Feel left out :(

[guaranagal]

This is getting me down and I don't know what to do about it. It's making me feel like crying just thinking about it (but I am suffering from depression anyway - it's not helping).

My DOH of 4 years and his 6yo DS (my DSS) are very, very close. That's a great thing, of course.

DOHex has custody so we have him every other weekend, but for a while now I've been dreading the weekends.

DOH and DSS are like mates, they're so close, and they want to spend all day, every day, doing stuff together. Like watching DVDs of Spongebob they've seen HUNDREDS of times, or playing Xbox.

I don't like doing this stuff, and I feel really left out.

I suggest that we all do things together and they do come along, to the beach, or the pool, but I sense this is not what they'd rather be doing.

Whatever we are doing, when it is the 3 of us, I feel like the 3rd wheel. I feel like an interloper in their close relationship, and I feel un-needed, if not somewhat unwanted.

It's making me sad and withdrawn and I know that on occasion when we have DSS I do act up a bit to get attention from DOH.

Starting to feel jealous and resentful of DSS :-(

I know these feelings are not right and I don't want to get loads of grief from readers for feeling like this.

I'd like some constructive help in making things better or to hear from anyone who's been there themselves?

Thank you.

hi

Being a step parent can be hard I know. My step daughter was 6 when I met Dh and like you she stays with us every other weekend. I did feel pushed out at times but came to realise that sd only got to spend 4 precious days each month with her dad and accepted things as they were.

I now have a ds (4), and he and dh have the same realtionship as you describe, so I make the most of it and have a lovely lie in on a saturday morning whilst they watch tv, play games. And I look forward to step daughter coming (now 13), so we can spend time together.

Things will get better.

I agree things will get better. My advice is to enjoy time on your own when they are sharing time together. As his ds grows older he will spend more time with his friends. You should be proud your dh has such a loving friendly relationship with his son

Thank you, maybe I need to find something nice to immerse myself in and let them get on with it?

The only thing is that DOH told me today that he really wants to spend EVERY weekend with DSS and that got me really afraid.

I think I can cope with being sidelined every other weekend, but I don't think that can happen week in week out.

That's my big fear.

What pattern of dating did you and OH have when you first started seeing one another? Is it any different re weekends than it is now? I don't think that your OH would sit watching Spongebob on his own he's only doing it for his DS. What I'm saying is maybe you could force some more interest and enthusiasm in order to connect and join in a bit more while also keeping up fun trips to the seaside etc. As well as do your own thing too if you feel like it. Also - Given that your OH only gets to see his DS at the weekend maybe you should set one night in the week as your special 'date' night and so you and OH can spend quality one on one time.

I really feel for you and as someone who has been thru the ringer on here for expressing feelings and thoughts I hope that no-one does that to you. Sending you huge cyber hugs!

My situation is slightly different being that I have a DSS so being a girl she is starting to have more in common with me than her Daddy but in saying that I feel that creating and building on a bond with a step-child no matter the gender is probably one of the hardest things to do.

I still can't work out all the acronyms on here so please excuse my ignorance but I'll refer to your partner as husband.

Would he be open to the suggestion of you having some one on one time with your DSS in order that you can start to build your own bond with him? Its not set for me but there is always a period of time on our w/ends when we have DSS for me and her to be alone and do things together - even if it meant at the beginning me making something up for my husband to do to get him out of the scene for a while.

I don't know what 6year old boys are interested in but I'm sure you could find something that you and him could do together - it might even be something that your husband would like to do with you but if you explained you need it to be just you and DSS would he understand/allow that?

To start I had to do a little bit of spoiling with my DSS (i.e. going down the beach and getting her an ice-cream) but I made sure that she knew she was getting it as a treat or because she was being good and not that it was going to be a regular thing... didn't want her getting spoilt!

The biggest thing I think you need to do is help yourself first - I mean this in a nice way... you are just as important in this family as both your husband and DSS and don't let yourself fall by the wayside. If you need to maybe talk with someone - it may even mean medication if you are depressed but all I know is my experience and I found that if I was feeling better in myself then everything else didn't seem so bad and I found myself opening up to experiences or situations.

I don't know if any of that will help and even if it doesn't just know that there IS someone else out there who feels for you and sort of understands where you are coming from. Maybe after a while the tricycle will appear better than the bicycle?

Take care and keep your chin up.
X

Hi, I'm a step mum who sometimes feels left out but, I'd have to admit, only when tired or when other things have got me down already.

DSS is 8 and his Mum died when he was 3. DH has been an amazing Dad (moved back with his parents to enable DSS to have a 'normal family') and sometimes it feels like I will never have the relationship with DSS that DH does. I also worry that DH won't have the same relationship with our DC when we have them. So I live with them all the time and still you can feel like that. I know that DH doesn't like me feeling like that (and telling him was important) but I also know it's often due to me not wanting to get involved. Not in an 'I'd rather be on my own' type way, more that I'm just not interested in cars/trains etc and I work full time whereas DH is a teacher so they get all the holidays together.

Having told DH, he's made an effort to 'balance' things out. So, we do things as a family but also, sometimes I take DSS out on our own or do something 'Mummy and DSS' with him. He enjoys cooking with me and gardening whereas he wouldn't do that with DH.

To DH and DSS their relationship is normal and as far as they're concerned, I'm an equal and involved. It sometimes annoys me that DSS will ask Daddy things and not me but, I know I'm in line after Daddy.

It's taken time, it's taken a lot of discussions with DH (who is wonderful and makes everything easier) but it's also taken me making the effort more to have fun and to talk to DSS.

Our adoption social worker asked what we do together and DSS told her his favourite thing was the way I smile when I tell him off for coming down to the toilet for the third time after bedtime. Did I realise this was important? Not at all. Talk to your DOH and explain your concerns. Explain you'd like to be involved but you also recognise their need to have their relationship. He may also feel he could talk to your DSS about it in a child type way so you're more aware of how DSS feels.

Good luck-it's not an easy job and feeling down makes it a hell of a lot worse. It can get better though and will!!

I really feel for you - and you'll definitely get through it because you can be so honest about your feelings.

I would - relax and not feel you have to be a part of everything. Go out shopping, meet friends, have some me-time.

Also, have some bonding time for you and the little man. Make Dad go and do something else and find a common interest. I cook with my DSS, and the library is also an activity that is mine and his (and DS's)

One of the things that drove me mad was that 'normal' life stopped when DSS was with us. That meant that all other stuff (food shopping, DIY, gardening, housework etc etc) had to be crammed into 'our' time. I didn't think this was fair on anyone. Your DSS has a very fake view of life at Daddy's, all fun and games, and his mum has to do all the grown-up parenting. What about homework and chores and normal life?

Now we have a balance of one 'working' day and one 'fun' day in a weekend. And we make sure we have special time for us, even if it is during the week.

I want to say thanks to everyone here for all the support and nice encouragement. I really hope it will get better!!

I've spoken to DP about it and he's agreed that every other weekend at the moment is fine, until we live together.

You see, at the moment it's a nightmare, cos DP and I work miles away so I have to spend 3 nights a week away at work cos it's just too far to go!

That means we see each other on weekends and one night midweek. We've been together 5 years and we've never really had any different.

So it's a big deal to feel excluded every other weekend - that's half of my weekends!!

But the good news is that DP has been made redundant (yes, funny that it seems good news!) and when his company closes in November he will be moving in with me near my work and we will be seeing MUCH more of each other.

The bad news for him is that he will see less of his son (who he currently lives near and sees after school most days).

So to make up for it, he wants to have DSS to stay 3 weekends a month instead of 2.

I am fine with this in principle but i definitely want to get my feelings sorted before we do it.

We have him this weekend so I've planned swimming and a trip to the library (which is 'our' activity).

Fingers crossed!!

Best of luck! If it helps, the more contact we had, the less pressured and more natural it became. DH didn't feel he had to cram two weeks of parenting into a 20-hour period, and we could all be a bit more normal. Planning together beforehand is definitely a good idea.

its hard. i had a number of years (7...in fact) not seeing my OH every other weekend (he also became dh in this time and we also had a child together)
Dh spent every other weekend with his other 3 children and until very recently i was totally excluded as was our son. (thats another long story tho..)
at the end of the day....the kids have to come first. if your stepson only sees his dad every other weekend then their time is precious too....cant you do something for yourself while they "bondng" go to gym, shopping see friends. then when hes gone to bed you have nice meal together? remember you get him to youself also every other weekend unlike dss.
its hard i know tho....i can remember feeling very low and upset in the early years but i just got on with it and kept myself busy in other ways.
now the kids are older and have saturday jobs and one has gone to uni i get more of DH weekends.

My husband can be like this when I have my kids. His kids are older now so don't come as often and he is a bit lax about arranging stuff with them. I really value my weekends with the kids and we do have sporting hobbies in common my husband doesn't share. His hobbies are all very adult. He's also not into the science fiction/ fantasy stuff that the kids and I are.
I don't want to stop doing all the things that the kids and I enjoy just because DH doesn't want to join in, and do wish he'd just get on with his own stuff at the weekends if he's not going to join us instead of grumping around as he tends to. He seems to have a personality change on the weekends when the kids are here and seems more like a 3rd kid I have to fuss over than an independant adult.

Hoping I can get some advice on this....so, this is my first time being a stepparent. I am 29 years old and have no kids of my own, however, I have been in a two year relationship with a female that has a five year old son (was 3 when I met him). His father is not involved so that makes things easier, but it doesn't take away the feelings I have of being left out and not viewed by my ss as a parent. For example, whenever my ss draws pictures at school of his family it is a picture of him and his mom..I am not included. I feel like I spend time with him and have tried to develop a bond with him, but for some reason he just doesn't view me the same way. It's frustrating because I don't know what else I can do to feel like he sees me as an equal parent. I am getting to the point of just wanting to give up. Any suggestions?

I'm a step mum and my SKs live with us (see their Mum one night in fourteen). I would say to Confused29 recognise you're not 'an equal parent' but you can have a special, unique place in your step child's life. I've always tried to tell mine that I am their 'special friend' (yukky phrase but kids can understand it) but I can never take the place of their M&D. Three and a half years on they occasionally make a joke out of calling me 'stepmummy' but it's rare and usually they are taking the mick!

With regard to the issue of whether or not your step son sees you as family, maybe this is something your partner could address with him - perhaps talking to him about the picture of the family (or whatever comes up as relevant in the future) asking where he thinks you are in that picture etc. No one can make SS regard you as part of the family but maybe he needs some help understanding it - he is still v young and may not understand how a step family stacks up.

I would say just relax; if you and your partner are committed to each other long term then try and focus on doing nice things with SS, be the responsible adult and pick him up on things when he's naughty but don't think too much about whether he regards you as Dad or not... take the pressure off SS to make you feel any particular way. I am sure, even though he's got no way of saying it to you, you are already very important to him! My partner (now husband) kept saying this to me through some pretty awful times, and sometimes it was all that kept me going. It is all worth it (although, if I'm honest, about 60% of the time it can feel the reverse!). I think one of the most important things is that you and your partner communicate well on this subject, you can say how you feel and she can reassure you.

How I wish this thread had been around a few years back when I was embarking on the whole step-mum bit, even from the reasonably safe distance of my own house. All I can say is that it does sort itself out in the end, if you stand back, give it time and space and allow everyone, specially the kids, to work out who is where in their lives. It's like the plate balancing act for most of the time, but eventually the plates start to balance themselves once everyone knows where the boundaries are and what is expected of them. I sometimes used to feel like the biggest kid of all of us with my stupid resentment at being 2nd, 3rd, 4th or sometimes 5th in the pecking order - but now realise that I have gained sooooo much from joining in with this new family. Yes, I will always be a bit of an outsider, but I feel privileged that I have been allowed in for the nice bits. Kids soon learn that you give a bit and then you can take a bit - it's a good learneing experience for everyone.

Guarangal - you mentioned your partner isn't planning on having his son every weekend until you live together? But even if you and him were living together, you'd find having the son every weekend too much. We have my husband's son every other weekend, which is just bearable, but every weekend would completely paralyse our lives as a couple. My husband likes to make the most of his time with his son, which is quite understandable, but this means I get sidelined on 50% of weekends - he likes to create a 'Disney' environment for his son, ie no chores, real life, discpline or routine (which I think is slightly unwise) and if this was happening every weekend, it would be unworkable.

I think you should stick to every other weekend.

Great thread, very helpful