Did I marry a family?

[KaPe]

Hi all,

I am new on here, I have contributed to other threads before, but not yet started my own. Can I get some SM input please (especially interested in SM/BM input) to help me find a solution for our dilemma.

Background: BF and I split nearly 3 years ago, after a very destructive 7-year relationship. SM was involved in our separation, though she was not the reason for the failure of our relationship. We initially had a surprisingly amicable separation: split of finances (majority went to him) and care for DD9 (50/50) was agreed without major discussion. There are no financial payments from either party to the other, equal share of all costs for DD?s upbringing was agreed. What sounds like an ideal case scenario for eternal happiness was the start of nearly three years of warfare, with two court cases and now a complete halt of any contact between DD and BF (his choice).

What went wrong? Well, many things (and certainly I am to blame for some of them), but to summarise it, the lack of boundaries, different views as to how involved who should get in what.

SM brought two kids into their marriage as well (DD7 and DD9), along with our DD9 they are now caring for three children. From an outside observer?s perspective I would say their expectations as to what a ?family? (no matter whether blended or not) should be like are unachievable ? kind of a cross between ?Brady Bunch? and ?The Waltons?. You are probably wondering why I make this my business?

Matter of fact is that I didn?t marry a family, but it certainly feels like it. Since their marriage, BF (despite the 50/50 we had agreed) has dumped more and more of the workload concerning DD on me (I work full-time). I now have to do all her dental and GP appointments and most of her school projects. Projects that span over several weeks (whilst being sent to their house) are returned as they were sent there, no work continued. According to the teachers, the standard of her homework at their house is way below the standard she manages at mine (got that in writing). After falling behind, she was given quite a bit of extra work over several school holidays (which are shared) ? I don?t think he managed even 10%.

When I brought the issue up, ex called me selfish because I have no idea what life is like with three kids, and that he didn?t have the time to do chores with DD, because he now has three children. I made it clear to him that him marrying a mother-of-2 was entirely his choice, and that I still expected him to do 50% of all things that concerned our DD.

Now, what bugs me most is that they have lovely family outings every single weekend she spends there, and then they return her to mine without anything done that required doing (note: it?s not ME saying she needs to do her school work, it?s school) ? he says that they want to enjoy quality time as a family. The following weekend (mine) I then spend time with her catching up on all the things they missed ? so no quality time for me. The same applies to my evenings when she is with them ? tracking school uniform items he lost, liaising with teachers re missed homework, buying school supplies, ordering books she requires ? no cosy nights for me then.

Financially, I take over more and more responsibility for DD. I don?t know their financial circumstances, but he seems to be either unable or unwilling to continue the contributions we had agreed (we are not talking maintenance, we are talking about his contribution to school fees, extracurricular activities, music lessons, mobile phone etc. ? all actual costs). All I do know that they have a very extravagant life style ? to me it seems that he is reducing his financial contributions to our daughter whilst maintaining hers.

Am I really selfish for saying that BF should only take on what he can actually manage as far as his SDs are concerned? Can I really be expected to take on more that I can afford (financially, emotionally and timewise) so that they can play Brady Bunch?

I am trying to find a way of reasoning with him, as I believe that at least some sort of contact will be re-established sooner rather than later, and I certainly don?t want to go back to how things were before.

KaPe - I have known doctors get very shirty indeed about never seeing the same parent/carer twice for important appointments. It can be very wasteful of doctors' time.

While I have every sympathy with you and the immense difficulty of sharing childcare and responsibilities, I do really believe that you need to think through how to split them efficiently. It is difficult enough for a child to have separated parents without that child having an idea of which parent is responsible for which task.

Sorry if this has been answered before, how is the contact split between you? I'm just trying to get a picture in my mind of where your dd is on what days.

It WAS 50/50 on a weekly basis. She has now not seen her father at all for more than three months ... we (DD and I) are obviously hoping that this will go back to a 50/50.

But you cannot make him change if he doesn't want to.

So if he wont change, do you really want it to go back to 50/50 with all the same problems as before?

How have you been coping these past 3 months with doing everything? (that could sound accusatory but I mean how well have you been coping, OK? Struggling?)

With a jiggle about of things, could you work out a way to make it work where the split is different, more for you, less for him and then sort out child support?

As much as you don't like it, he does have a bigger family where he may not have as much time to do things as you wish. I'm not for one minute excusing his behaviour, his refusal to do homework/attend medical appointments etc is wrong, but the only option you have is to focus on the things that you can control and try and make things better for you and your daughter.

It must be really annoying that the decisions and promises you made when you split have been broken but you cannot control what he does and (I don't want to sound heartless or rude) with trying to make him change his ways, you could just be wasting your time. You don't want to look back in another few years and think nothing has changed, we're still disagreeing, what was the point?

Good point!

I have been coping well ... but then, the point is how DD copes, and she wants her 50/50. He wants his 50/50 minimum, when they went to court the first time, they wanted 100% with contact for me, because SM is more or less a stay-at-home mum (courtesy of my ex) whilst I have to work (my own stupidity, because I thought it would be just fair that both parents contribute financially).

I think what made it easy for me to cope during this time was the fact that there was zilch interference from him. I made decisions, I had to cope if they were wrong.

Silly example: Little one plays an instrument (his idea, I am about as musical as a block of wood), she doesn't practice at his (because, you guessed it, it interferes with their family time), I can't help her much at mine. Now, DD wants to play second instrument, I cannot cope with the practice or the exams. So I contact her main music teacher (who teaches first instrument and heads the music group AND the orchestra she plays in, so he should know best) and ask what does HE think .. he says second instrument is not a good idea at this point in time. Ex, copied on all the communication between the teacher and myself, then contacts independent teacher for second instrument and emails daughter, saying that he agreed lessons, and it is just that Mummy doesn't agree. You probably wonder whether I was copied on his correspondence with the teacher or daughter ... forget about it!

So yes, I am coping best without him ... if he just took her weekends and let me make the decisions (certainly with his input). This would happen when the devil ice-skates to work!

Even with a 50/50 (which would at least allow me to put in sufficient effort at work) and me offering to take over all the sh*t work relating to DD ... the king of the castle and his queen would obviously want to be consulted! I am a fairly patient person, but even I have my boundaries.

It's understandable your daughter wants to see her Dad more often, but surely 25% of the time is better than 0% at the moment.

It might be better for her in the long run to have a happier 25% with her Dad and a happier 75% with Mum. As it has been with the past situation and current one, she was/is losing out. Now she's not seeing him at all. Before, she was missing out on homework being done/appointments being met and a stressed out Mum.

And to me, the fact he's let it go 3 months without seeing his daughter, indicates he isn't particularly desperate for that 50/50 split.

I'm a little confused as to why she hasn't seen her Dad for 3 months. Has it just been he has refused to have her at his? You can't all be wanting that 50/50 contact if it isn't happening.

As for his interfering and double standards you've described, I've no idea, sorry.

Tough question, and I can only guess why he won't see her (based on knowing him for 10 years).

To summarize it briefly:

His 15% contribution to school fees hadn't been made (£2K), the school was therefore approaching me for payment (within their rights). Total refusal on his behalf to either communicate with me or the school.

A financial check (legitimate) turned out that he had a clean slate, she had a collection of CCJs and charging orders that made worrying reading (all acquired prior to their wedding) ... I actually don't think he knows about it, and I would certainly not be the one to tell him.

A simple google search for her business address lead to two prostitute-rating websites, with rather graphic details. Knowing that DD frequented this address I demanded an undertaking that she should not be taken there, this was refused outright, the matter ended up in court with a prohibitive steps order being granted (twice). Order had no restrictions on his residence or contact with SM, but only prevented DD to be taken to said address (not their home).

Personally, I think he had absolutely no idea what went on there. But obviously he now has no option but to either defend his wife or rip her head off.

Their condition is that I withdraw the order (which I can't, because it has obviously become a child protection matter, with social services involved) or he won't see the child. Simple blackmail to clear the wife's name.

I would make sure your daughter knows that it is her dad's decision not to see her and you aren't stopping him seeing her and continue as the main carer, getting the CSA involved to get payments sorted out.
Encourage her to write to and phone her dad to keep some contact. I think 50/50 splits rarely work and only do so if the parents trust each other and can discuss and agree on the parenting of a child and have some consistency. This isn't happening here. If your ex doesn't have time for his daughter then him wanting her most of the time is a nonsense. 7 is too young to have time to practice a second instrument, especially if he won't supervise her practicing the first one. She's still too young to play alot of instruments properly. My kids play an instrument each and my stepkids play 2 or 3 but didn't start on second instrument until at secondary school.
Some of the stuff you post is conflicting though, on the one hand you say he won't see his daughter and on the other you say he wants to be the main carer.
Is he going to court for more access at the moment? If you've made it clear you aren't stopping him having access I'm surprised he's bothering.
It sounds as though being an every other weekend dad would suit his minimal hassle style of parenting.
You definitely shouldn't give him more than 50% access and I'd refuse that much until he's willing to do proper parenting and not just family outings on his time with her. Most nuclear families don't spend their weekends going on outings. the kids are individuals as are the adults with individual hobbies and needs.

I think you are right, he should be pulling his weight and act as her parent in the same way you do regarding homework, appointments and other responsibilities BUT...

I'm surprised you continue to fight for this. My ex shows the same responsibility and, for the sake of DS, I can not just give him the responsibility because simply, he just wouldn't care.

Doctor appointments I take care of, just to have some continuity and know how DS is. I agreed for ex to take DS to the doctor the other day and he managed to "convince" the doctor DS didn't have asthma and didn't need his inhalers totally oblivious to the fact that DS' asthma is under control because I am using the inhalers. If I leave it for a week we would be back to square one.

Homeworks are my pet hate, ex just pops them back in the school bag undone thinking they could be returned at leisure. I guess that if this becomes a real problem in the future, I would try to get him to pick up DS from home rather than school a bit later so he can do the homework here. I am not doing it to help his dad, I'm doing it so DS doesn't have to have a bad time thanks for his dad's lack of interest.

I have finally realised that raising my child properly and providing with opportunities for him is my sole responsibility, I simply can not keep him living as he was with the money I get as child maintenance. So my advise is:
Put the needs of your child and yourself first, if that means moving to a place where you have more support, and that support means that your child will be better cared for, go for it. I have waited for a long time for DS' father to become more responsible but so far, my pleas are only answered with his favourite phrase: "I have a life to live"

If the place with more support is overseas though then that will not be possible as your ex won't allow it. I also think it's cruel to the child to move them a long way from 1 parent unless really necessary. As op has a job then I see no reason to move. I would never move away from my ex with my kids to be near my sibs and dad. My kids need their dad more than they need their grandad.
It's my job to sort out my own support network. I'm an adult not a teenager.

I can see totally where you're coming from with your concerns, but am also trying to put myself in their shoes to see if I can give you any insight.

It just seems to me that whatever you ask he is doing to do the exact opposite just to be bloody minded. He seems really angry with you, and to be honest, if dsd's mum had investigated our financial circumstances, and especially mine I'd be bloody furious.

Why did you feel the need to do that? Was it because you had concerns about her or was what you found out about her businesses a shock?

I don't intend to move, for several reasons. A move would be an absolute last resort. However, with a 50/50 care arrangement, it is certainly only my job to sort out my network as far as my 50% are concerned, and not to sort out his life as well. After all, he is an adult as well and no teenager.

Fact is that he used to be an extremely involved father, so this is not a case of not being able to take over his share or not knowing how to, but a case of re-distributing his time/financial ressources etc. to a third party (who is an adult as well and who has an adult ex-partner who fathered her two children).

They are leading a fairly comfortable life (housekeeper etc.) and have no financial obligations towards me or DD (apart from the share of actual costs, which are without exception agreed prior to the expenditure made). As a matter of fact, in some cases I take over more than half of the costs due to my employer's contributions.

So he (or they, however you wanna see it) have to take some action now as regards to how they are going to contribute his share (in every way). Alternatively I would need to organise my own support network. If there is no contribution from him, then it should be up to me to organise it how I see fit.

As I said, I do not intend to leave the country unless absolutely necessary. However, depending on how things turn out, I might move closer to my work in order to cut down the commute (currently 3 hours per day round trip), which would most definitely not allow for a 50/50 or even close to that being reinstated should he change his mind at any point in the future.

If you are doing all the caring at the moment then a 3 hour commute doesn't seem fair on your child. Cutting it down to 1 h commute seems more sensible, you may find a good state primary nearer your work that then saves on school fees. People with enough money to pay housekeeper etc are usually well educated and take an interest in their kids' education so I'm surprised he's so unbothered about the homework and more into being a good time dad.
He isn't currently doing a 50% share though so I'd look at moving nearer your work and getting him to pay through csa with you as main carer and him alternate weekends unless he is willing to pay half the expenses and do half the proper parenting. As your child gets older she won't want to me moving house every week.

Why did I investigate their financial circumstances?

The school was on my doorstep wanting an immediate payment of in excess of £2,000, which he had defaulted on. Over a period of one week, I had several emails and calls from them.

It was also pointed out to me that I would have to either give up her place at school straight away or would be liable to cover his contribution for the first term in 2009/2010 as well. In addition to that, he had signed her up for a coach service at an extra cost of approx. £350 per term, for which they would hold me liable too. All arrangements are subject to a one-term notice.

So to summarize, in addition to being potentially about £3,500 out of pocket (for two terms), in case of his inability to pay I would have had only a few weeks to find an acceptable school prior to the summer break.

So forgive me for not having £3,500 plus under my mattress!

The discovery of the nature of her business was a stupid coincidence in the course of my checks.

I'm still confused by that course of action, I'm not sure what it achieved.

I honestly think you are banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to do what you think he should be doing. He clearly won't!

It sounds like your dd is going to be living full-time with you for the foreseeable future - and that's a blessing in disguise isn't it? (her upset about her wanting to spend time with her Dad aside). You'd not have the hassle of him not making appointments or doing her homework, and you'd have a lot more time with your dd which would be lovely.

Rebecca, there would be a lot involved in moving ... selling my house (not a good market), finding a new one ... lots of costs involved.

Also don't forget that I have to involve him in the choice of her new school ... after all, we still have a 50/50 residence order on paper. Do you really think he would happily agree to making my life more easy by enrolling her into a school on the other side of town?

As things stand (and I think I have posted this before), the school was incredibly supportive and managed to get him to agree to a direct debit for his share. So unless he cancels that at least her school fees should be ensured. Everything else I could in theory pay for (grudgingly, but what's the point).

Surfermum, given my commute I obviously have to organise my workload. Previously I worked long hours during the weeks she was with ex and shorter hours during the weeks she was with me. That's obviously no longer possible.

So instead of achieving a fair split of quality time between both parents, she will have no quality time with one and little with the other.

This is not a case of physical possession of a child. As much as I love to watch my child sleep at night, being raised by an au-pair and a rushed parent is not exactly my idea of a happy childhood.

I obviously have to sit down now and reassess my options.

Exactly, that what I meant when I mentioned about moving.

If moving means that your child can get at least the attention of her mother, rather than being practically raised by the after school club and other staff. Well, the decision is clear, by staying she hardly see any of you two, by moving, at least she has some time with her mum. And it is not as if you are moving to the other side of the planet, if he doesn't have her so often he can drive a little further to pick her up.

I have also found that letting go of private school was a blessing, although I was earning less than 1/5 of exH's salary, very often I had to pick up the bills as he simply didn't care, and that was a expense I could not afford on my salary.

Oh I see. He's got you between a rock and hard place hasn't he? What a difficult situation for you and your dd.

I'm normally not that in favour of children being moved away from one of their parents, but I can see that in your case it may be the best thing.

Sounds like you have some thinking to do, good luck with it.

Well, whilst inconvenient and extremely hard for me, he has only really got his very own flesh and blood between a rock and a hard place. She misses out on more than I do ... I had a lovely childhood (with two sets of parents, by the way ... my parents are divorced and I have a stepmum and a stepdad as well ... in fact, my stepmum has been my daughter's main carer over the entire holiday period).

Good news is that whilst her father doesn't have b*lls, DD9 seems to have grown some. She sent him today by email her schedule for when she returns and told him in no unclear terms that she intends to see him on the Monday after her return, she expects to see her dog (which was a present to her and subsequently turned into a "family dog" once the new family arrived) plus a list of things she wants to do in bad weather and good weather. HE ACTUALLY AGREED TO MEETING HER AFTER THREE MONTHS!

That's great. I think sometimes in divorces the adults get so caught up battling each other that the kids get forgotten about. Her emailing him may have made him realise that him mucking about isn't just upsetting you and that having a good relationship with his daughter is more important than scoring points against you.
The dog thing sounds sad. maybe she needs to assert the my dog thing more, although I can't see many households wanting to get 1 dog per child. The others should realise she's sharing her dog though.

Oh, she is fantastic when it comes to sharing "her" cat at my house ... I get to do all the cleaning and feeding! She seems to have inherited quite a few of her dad's genes when it comes to shared responsibility.