Did I marry a family?

[KaPe]

Hi all,

I am new on here, I have contributed to other threads before, but not yet started my own. Can I get some SM input please (especially interested in SM/BM input) to help me find a solution for our dilemma.

Background: BF and I split nearly 3 years ago, after a very destructive 7-year relationship. SM was involved in our separation, though she was not the reason for the failure of our relationship. We initially had a surprisingly amicable separation: split of finances (majority went to him) and care for DD9 (50/50) was agreed without major discussion. There are no financial payments from either party to the other, equal share of all costs for DD?s upbringing was agreed. What sounds like an ideal case scenario for eternal happiness was the start of nearly three years of warfare, with two court cases and now a complete halt of any contact between DD and BF (his choice).

What went wrong? Well, many things (and certainly I am to blame for some of them), but to summarise it, the lack of boundaries, different views as to how involved who should get in what.

SM brought two kids into their marriage as well (DD7 and DD9), along with our DD9 they are now caring for three children. From an outside observer?s perspective I would say their expectations as to what a ?family? (no matter whether blended or not) should be like are unachievable ? kind of a cross between ?Brady Bunch? and ?The Waltons?. You are probably wondering why I make this my business?

Matter of fact is that I didn?t marry a family, but it certainly feels like it. Since their marriage, BF (despite the 50/50 we had agreed) has dumped more and more of the workload concerning DD on me (I work full-time). I now have to do all her dental and GP appointments and most of her school projects. Projects that span over several weeks (whilst being sent to their house) are returned as they were sent there, no work continued. According to the teachers, the standard of her homework at their house is way below the standard she manages at mine (got that in writing). After falling behind, she was given quite a bit of extra work over several school holidays (which are shared) ? I don?t think he managed even 10%.

When I brought the issue up, ex called me selfish because I have no idea what life is like with three kids, and that he didn?t have the time to do chores with DD, because he now has three children. I made it clear to him that him marrying a mother-of-2 was entirely his choice, and that I still expected him to do 50% of all things that concerned our DD.

Now, what bugs me most is that they have lovely family outings every single weekend she spends there, and then they return her to mine without anything done that required doing (note: it?s not ME saying she needs to do her school work, it?s school) ? he says that they want to enjoy quality time as a family. The following weekend (mine) I then spend time with her catching up on all the things they missed ? so no quality time for me. The same applies to my evenings when she is with them ? tracking school uniform items he lost, liaising with teachers re missed homework, buying school supplies, ordering books she requires ? no cosy nights for me then.

Financially, I take over more and more responsibility for DD. I don?t know their financial circumstances, but he seems to be either unable or unwilling to continue the contributions we had agreed (we are not talking maintenance, we are talking about his contribution to school fees, extracurricular activities, music lessons, mobile phone etc. ? all actual costs). All I do know that they have a very extravagant life style ? to me it seems that he is reducing his financial contributions to our daughter whilst maintaining hers.

Am I really selfish for saying that BF should only take on what he can actually manage as far as his SDs are concerned? Can I really be expected to take on more that I can afford (financially, emotionally and timewise) so that they can play Brady Bunch?

I am trying to find a way of reasoning with him, as I believe that at least some sort of contact will be re-established sooner rather than later, and I certainly don?t want to go back to how things were before.

Indeed long post, Mrs Jammi, though much appreciated.

A few explanations: There is a consent order in place restricting parents' partners from attending school. This consent order was based on an agreement which we had reached MUTUALLY during our separation (when we were amicable). Ex wants this changed, but insists SM should not have any obligations as regards to education ... just the right to attend as "a sign of respect". Access to GP is definitely not on, given the fact that a child's and parents' health records are automatically linked and therefore subject to data protection. You will find in your birth children's records references to the birth and your own conditions/medical history, which are definitely not a third party's business.

I am unable to answer your question whether SM is a sex worker or not ... based on evidence provided to a judge, the judge decided that the child is at risk when attending SM's place of work (according to the judge, he regretted not being able to extend the order to her own children as they were not part of the proceedings).

As for mediation ... this is usually a longer process, meaning that he can take any items that are under discussion back to SM and discuss the implications on their life and then take them back to the discussion table.

School was definitely not a misunderstanding, the non-payment of fees was an ongoing issue. School has now contacted him directly, and given the threat of DD losing her place and being enrolled in another school by me, arrangements for timely payments seem to have been made directly between school and ex. This has taken 2.5 years, and I can't tell you how relieved I am ... so definitely a positive outcome there.

My experience is that the longer courts and solicitors are involved the longer the animosity and fighting continues.

We found that by letting a lot of issues just drop, adopting a "whatever" attitude and just letting dsd's mum get on with things, the waters between us all calmed and we were able to start to build bridges.

Things that were once highly emotive subjects became non-issues. I went from being told I'd get arrested if I turned up at dsd's school (for what I'm not sure ) to being booked a ticket for one of her plays by her mum. We went from being told we'd never take dsd abroad on holiday (and her mum applying for a passport and refusing to let us have it) to her saying to us (on return from France) "you might as well keep it, I'll never be taking her anywhere".

Have you ever looked on it that you might be wasting your time and energy expecting them to behave any differently or trying to get them to behave differently? The way I looked at it was that we were all going to be around each other for a long, long time and it was better for dsd that we got on, so I was going to do everything in my power to achieve that.

I haven't read the whole thread in detail.

I am SM to DSS1 (14) and DSS2 (12) and mother to DD (nearly 5). The DSSs spend 45% of their time with us, and 55% at their mother's house but we are always here when they are at our house whereas their mother is frequently away overnight on business (the DSSs had a nanny until this summer and now have an au pair).

ExW expects DP to pay for the nanny/au pair and to pay her maintenance (she works almost full time and makes a lot of money and owns her large home outright). Yet exW doesn't seem to think that she has any responsibilities as a mother, only rights, and doesn't "do" school, homework, educational strategy and planning, doctors, dentists, clothes buying, haircuts, general conversations about where the children are heading in life etc etc etc. I just cannot agree with posters who say that it is inevitable that the more children there are in a family, the less attention they get: at our house there are three children, and we do all the upbringing for all three. Inevitably, and sadly, we probably have less fun sometimes that we would like because there are so many chores to pack into such a short time.

The one thing that I am absolutely adamant about is that I will not do flexible childcare for exW. I cannot (on top of all the other responsibilities I willingly shoulder for the DSSs) run an open door hotel policy for the convenience of the DSSs' mother's professional and personal agenda. If she has a long, pre-planned business trip, the boys can stay here if agreed in advance. But I cannot manage my life or that of my DD if they come and go on different nights every week of the year - I would go insane (and DD would not be able to do any activities or have any social life outside school, which is very unfair).

You have my sympathies. It is a difficult issue. But I would try to put your own DD's interests first rather than battling your exH's behaviour.

Thanks for that, Anna. Your story sounds like an exact mirror image of mine.

I have loads of friends with larger families (both step and bio), who have been following our story for ages ... all of them laugh when they hear the words "family time" or "adult time" ... they don't really remember what these are.

These are the people who have named this set up the "Brady Bunch", saying that it is entirely unrealistic to 'outsource' all the dirty work to a third party.

In principle, I am not violently opposed to SM getting involved, and I am aware that I can't entirely call the shots as regards to the amount of involvement and the boundaries. Equally, however, I don't think that they can demand unlimited involvement with the option to opt out of all unpleasant tasks or tasks that require a certain investment of time.

You seem to have a great deal of clarity about what is going on. Your story, and mine, where one of a child's two families doesn't want to take its fair share of responsibilities and childcare chores, is a very common one, but often one that parents have difficulties gaining clarity about.

IMO it is vital to ensure that a child is being properly brought up (and that may involve the more responsible family of the two shouldering a larger burden) but in full consciousness of what is going on, and you mustn't hesitate to put your foot down about really abusive behaviour.

What is it you're going to court for?

I would not expect a 9 year old to have a huge amount of homework. To me they should have a bit of writing and spelling but at primary school I really expect the school to be able to fit the stuff a kid is expected to learn into the school day. It should however be possible to fit homework into a weekend. I do stuff with my kids at the weekend and stepdaughter if she's here and still make sure homework is done. If your ex (BF makes him sound like your boyfriend to me)is to go to dental appointments etc then he should have control over the timing of them. My ex and I never arrange appointments/ parties/ any activity at all really when the other parent has the kids without discussing it with that parent. (without kids overhearing stuff in the background).
I would never agree to another adult having parental rights over my kids. It is unnecessary and creates huge complications if your exes second marriage fails. Your exes new wife is not your daughter's parent, she's a stepparent.

My ex and I still go to parents evenings together. We are their parents. Husband's exwife insists her new husband goes to parens evenings with her which led to my husband dropping out of parents evenings as secondary school teachers weren't keen to see 2 lots of parents for 1 child and he didn't want to go / wasn't invited to go with them as a threesome.
Your ex can tell his wife what happened at parents evening when he goes home.

The issue re. court has now been solved for the time being, as he has now come to a payment arrangement with school directly (well, so he says, I have to wait and check with the bursar). However, contrary to what another member said on here, there is something like a school fees order in this country. Obviously you cannot reach into a naked man's pockets, but when there is evidence that the parent who refuses payment still has a lifestyle that would allow for payments and just chooses not to or accepts other obligations that are considered to be of less importance than his previous one, then judgements have been passed to enforce these payments (obviously subject to several other conditions, ie. how long has child enjoyed this sort of education etc.).

DD has approximately 30-45 mins homework a day (including weekends). Whilst we can now discuss whether that's too much or not, her education was a joint decision made between my ex and I years and years ago (actually, ex was more keen than I was at that point in time). You obviously cannot simply tell the school that you have decided to decrease the time the child spends on homework when this is the time everyone else spends on it. If you think that what they ask is too much, then you would obviously have to choose a different route of eduction in line with your views.

As for any appointments (parties, dental, GP, optician etc.) ... I have never once made an appointment or accepted a party invitation. Party invitations for his time and appointment reminders (every other one) do get scanned and emailed to ex for him to confirm/decline or make an appointment himself.

I can see your point over the homework - we have had issues over dsd's education and where she goes to school and it's not easy when there's a difference of opinion. But I'm really not sure what you can do about it if he's not willing to put the hours in that you do. I think all you can do is do your best to do what you feel is right when your dd is with you, otherwise this will never end and you will just go on being stressed and anxious about it.

But with the appointments and parties thing, I think I'd probably take the path of least resistance. To be honest, I'd want be at any doctor's or dentist's appointments with dd anyway, so it wouldn't be an issue for me. But even so, I think if I were in your shoes I'd just accept that I was going to have to do all that myself, rather that constantly have aggravation about it. I guess it's a choose your battles thing and I wouldn't consider that one worth having.

It depends which country "this country" is I suppose. Here in Scotland school fees don't come into childcare financial law. The CSA deals with child finance issues parents can't sort out themselves and doesn't mention what the money is spent on once it's sorted. We don't have alimony or maintainance payments to independant adults either though. If my ex or I decided we didn't want to pay for private education any longer the courts wouldn't be interested.

If it's only 30-45 min a day then that should be doable, although I do think over 2 hours homework over a weekend (fri-Sun) is alot for a primary school age child. Our kids went to state primaries though. I do think private primary school education is a waste of money although our kids are at a private secondary.

I do wonder whether he's just being difficult over it because it's you asking. Maybe all the court proceedings and orders etc have just polarised the two of you so much that he just has a barrier up to anything you might say, no matter how reasonable it is.

There is a lot of history to this. Part of it certainly is that SM was an affair ... or rather, one of his affairs (simultaneously). Other issues involve that his career hasn't really been oing he way he intended it to. Now, when you meet a new person you obviously want to present yourself as an ideal partner ... hence you need someone to blame for everything that went wrong in your life. Which is where I come in handy. Because he HAD to cheat to escape reality etc. etc.

He did the same with his ex-wife (the one before me) ... money-grabbing, emotionally abusive, controlling etc. etc. After our separation I found out that none of it was true, quite the contrary. But she had a purposes ... whenever he screwed up in his life our in our relationship, she was the scapegoat!

Maybe you just have to accept that there are some things that you can't change, no matter what you do. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable, but you can change your own reactions to them.

Re school fees - that was what my solicitor told me only recently, and it is NOT linked to CSA at all. School fees are not in lieu of maintenance.

So what do big families like yours do then when one of the children has to go to the GP or the dentist or the optician? Do you tell this child it cannot go because it's not what you can do as a family (which is what my ex is telling me)?

We do all doctors, dentists etc. DSS1 needed to go to the orthodontist this evening, so DP took him after work (leaving early to do so). If there are two parents in a family, one parent does the appointment and the other parent looks after the other children.

Your exes stepkids will need to go to doctor/ dentist etc though. I would never arrange an appointment for something like this in the middle of the weekend though so it stops you doing anything else for the day. Appointments are usually after school things. It sounds as though he isn't happy with having appointments on weekends, which I think is reasonable.

Rebecca, I AM NOT arranging any appointments for him ... neither weekends nor weekdays ... NONE! When it is his turn to take her for check-ups, then he will get the GP's/dentist's/optician's reminder by email (scan). He is then supposed to make an appointment which suits him. Him saying "I don't have time" doesn't mean "I can't make this specific day", it means "I have now a big family and I can therefore not take DD on ANY appointments because this interferes with my family life".

The same applies to most of the homework or projects (like collecting things for art lessons or similar). He says that this interferes with his family life, because he now has to look after more children. Children have different educational needs, don't tell me that any child in any large family set-up (bio or step)is prevented from studying because the other siblings don't have anything to study at this specific point in time.

KaPe - why don't you split the childcare responsibilities differently?

IMVHO it is not remotely productive to have different parents/carers going to doctors' and dentists' appointments at different times. You need continuity in order to know what is going on - children cannot be expected to remember everything a doctor tells them.

How about you do all medical stuff and exH does hairdressers and clothes?

Taking it in turns to go to doctors etc seems odd. Agree with Bonsoir Annie. Basically I feel if he isn't prepared to do appointments, homework etc which I regard as normal parenting tasks then he shouldn't be doing as much parenting. There are 2 adults in his houisehold so he could easily supervise his daughter doing homework whilst his wife looked after her kids/ took them to the park. When his stepkids are older they'll have homework. I presume he doesn't want them all on the dole as no qualifications. Suggest he either does his share of parenting including the boring stuff or you renegotiate the 50/50 split. Doing just the fun bit isn't reasonable. If you have 3 children you have to ensure the 3 kids are parented appropriately, not just do everything to suit the youngest one.

I would find it rather odd that parents would not split these appointments (and obviously communicate the outcome afterwards). Both parents should be known to doctors, dentists, teachers etc, and no parent should be excluded from a certain part of a child's life.

Any exclusion from any part leads to "weekend dads". That's what he is now, a weekend dad with 50% residence.