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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I really want a child of our own...he doesnt. Not sure if this is even where I should put this

19 replies

birchykel · 12/08/2009 09:35

Ok so I'm new on here and in need of advice.
I have a daughter of 6 and a step son of 9. I love them both and we are lucky to have a fab relationship all of us. I get on with my partners ex too which people find weird but it works for us.

I really would like a child of our own though, my partner doesnt want more children and I keep trying to tell myself he is right, it wouldnt work and could destroy what we have. We are so happy, content and have such a good understanding of each other but even though I know this I get this ache feeling.
I thought again I was ok but last night I dreamt I was pregnant, I could actually feel the babys foot digging in my sides,I went in labour but it was false alarm and then I woke up. It was so real and now I feel like I usually do and really want a baby with him.

I have spoke to my partner, been in tears. He rightly says that he doesnt want to lie to me, he worries about money, the practical side of things and I think he also worries about his boy, how he would feel too.

I have the implant, last month I missed my period and knowing this is normal for some people i didnt worry. My partner said ''im really scared your pregnant, it will be a nightmare if u are'' I laughed it off saying theres no chance. but inside I felt saddned that he would say that.

Well it feels good to rant and vent it all.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:

MamaKaty · 12/08/2009 13:43

This is a really difficult thing to compromise on...many of us on here know that craving to be pregnant and create a new life and it's a difficult call to ignore!!

Is your OH completely set against this or is there any way he would discuss it? If he has legitimate concerns then you can look at them together and see if there are ways around them - would the practical side of things really be a problem? Would you be giving up an income if you were to have another child?

You can try to assuage his concerns about his son's reaction by reassuring him that sharing his parents with another little person can be a positive thing and could bring you all together as more of a family unit.

Try to be honest and keep the lines of communication as open as possible - he may come round with a little bit of persuastion...

Good luck...

motherbeyond · 12/08/2009 13:54

i think you have to face things and be realistic..it seems as if your dp really doesn't want anymore children.did you discuss this when you first got together?maybe you were hoping he'd change his mind,which is understandable and i'm sure many women are in the same predicament.

i feel sorry for you,but i don't see how it will change. you might wear him down after a few years but ther is then the chance that he would resent the pressure.

your only hope is that maybe one day he will reach the conclusion himself and feel he would like to add to your family.
cherish what you have,so many step families don't get on,it's nice to hear that some do!
good luck

Original poster

birchykel · 12/08/2009 18:09

Thanks for the replies, I would never pressure him at all. We have discussed things and even wrote down our concerns to each other. He is defo worried about money more than anything else. I wouldnt give up work but would have to cut hours so there would be a income loss to some degree.

We never discussed more children at first but when we did we had already fallen in love and it seemed too harsh to say ok well im leaving you because of this, I kinda thought I would deal with it and having my girl and step son is enough for me. I love them dearly, they really are my life and will always come first. Its just I would love to have anyone with the man I love and adore and add to our happy family.

I guess I will face it as I could never 'wear him down' I would feel awful doing it and like you said motherbeyond he could resent it and id hate that.

I appreciate the advice, thanx.
K.x

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mrsjammi · 15/08/2009 18:20

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MaggieBeauLeo · 15/08/2009 18:30

Tell him "nobody ever lies on their death bed and wishes they'd had fewer children".

That's what my x said to me to talk me into having another.

Original poster

birchykel · 15/08/2009 18:43

Thanx guys.
MaggieBeauLeo - a very good saying i guess, knowing my other half though cant see even that working.
Mrsjammie - congrates on making it all work out, sounds like ur really happy and both have what you truly wanted. I cant see it working for me though, my partner would be offended if I gave him a choice, he has said to me in the past I should leave him and find someone who wants another child so I cant really see that working.

Maybe I have to face facts.

OP posts:

ninah · 15/08/2009 18:46

hm are you quite sure maggie?

mrsjammi · 15/08/2009 19:28

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MaggieBeauLeo · 15/08/2009 20:21

MrsJammi, what happened? did he blame you/? his wife that he had sex with for being pregnant?! or was it just a few days of boyish omg,gonna be a dad, and then he came 'round??

mrsjammi · 15/08/2009 20:30

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mrsjammi · 15/08/2009 20:31

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MaggieBeauLeo · 15/08/2009 20:35

I think that's very common. the first one is much scarier for a man. Then they talk you into the second when you're a frazzled wreck surviving on 5 hours sleep every two days!

mrsjammi · 15/08/2009 20:39

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

birchykel · 15/08/2009 21:07

lol no its all good, its helping seeing what other people go through.
My partner has a boy and they are real close, like I said I think he worries his boy would also feel pushed away even though neither of us would allow it. That aswell as money and size of house, car etc its not looking good. He also seems to have an idea in his head that when the kids are grown up we can travel where we like, do what we like and that to me says he has it all worked out, his life planned out.

Thanks though everyone.xx

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veraison · 17/08/2009 04:13

I had the same issue with my partner. He has a 10 year old daughter and I have a 4 year old daughter. I would very much have liked another child but my partner didn't. He is 45 and I'm 41. When we first met 2 1/2 years ago, he indicated he wasn't decided on whether he wanted another child or not. I thought that given time, he would come around but in fact the opposite has occurred. After couples counselling, I have finally decided that I would prefer to be with him than not....'a bird in the hand...' If I were to leave, I couldn't guarantee meeting someone else soon enough for me to be able to have another child nor. It is very hard to come to terms with and every now and again resentment flairs up, but mostly I'm very thankful to be in a very loving relationship. The pluses are that it's fewer years until we have some real quality time together when both children are off our hands! Don't spend your life wishing for what you haven't got. Sometimes it's important to appreciate what we already have. :-)

Harimosmummy · 17/08/2009 09:17

my DH was also of this opinion...

We now have a 14MO boy and a 2 week old girl . Yes, life is very different, but it's def. better and he wouldn't change things either!

I do agree that you can't pressure someone into doing what you want, but I do think it's worth pointing out that he is a parent etc., and you aren't..

It's also worth pointing out (MrsJammi style) that him pressuring you not to have kids could mean you end up resentful.

Hope you come to a compromise.

skyblu · 17/08/2009 09:46

Birchykel - not sure it helps, but all I can say is that you are NOT alone! If you do have to make an ultimate sacfrice then you deserve respect, compassion and understanding!

I could have written your post (with slightly different family numbers - He already has 2, and 'we' have 1 - I was completely happy with this for 6 years - then something changed for me completely and I feel that longing that you describe every.single.day!)

He's 40 and "wouldn't want to go back to all that"..(which, incidently he mentioned after we had a false alarm too!)
I'm 32 and wondering when the ticking clock in my ear and yearning feelings inside are going to SHUT UP! (I'm trying very hard to beat it, but I actually fear that I'm going to be that person laying on my deathbed with a huge, huge regret!)

I don't know what the answer is. For me, making a choice isn't even a choice because how crazy would it be to split up DS's life because I want another child.

My DH's reasonings are much the same as yours - and I do agree!! - but it's so, so hard!
I do think if one of you feels this way though, it really can't be a 'one conversation' subject. I think it's one that you have to agree that you will keep discussing/checking how you feel -otherwise it just seems so unfair on one of you.

Good luck & lots of support and understanding from me!! xx

SussexGirl8 · 17/08/2009 11:28

I just felt I had to post here.

I know exactly how you are feeling as I have been there done that. DH has three children (21, 13 and 11) and I dont have any :-(. After complications from an operation, I have been told that in all probability I will not conceive as my tubes are messed up. There have been lots of accidents over the years and in theory, I should have got pregnant if I could, so I have no reason to doubt that.

However, despite DH saying when he met me that he would have another kid, he recently has changed his mind completely and says that we wouldn't be able to afford another child and that he feels that part in his life is over and he wants to now do things he couldn't do with a young child. I know that if I did get pregnant, he would (eventually) be over the moon, we wouldn't get rid of it and he would never leave me, but it is still a hard pill to swallow as that probably will never happen.

Often, I find this very hard to accept and feel quite resentful at times, especially as I have done so much for my stepchildren and him over the years. However, I have decided that I love DH to death and feel grateful for having him and his children in my life, which is more than a lot of people have.

Birchykel, I know it is hard for you and I know what that "yearning" feels like as I have it every single day and although its probably no consolation to you, at least you have a child of your own (albeit not with your DP), I (and others in my situation) would love to experience real motherhood, because as much as I love my stepchildren, it really never is quite the same as bearing your own child.

Original poster

birchykel · 18/08/2009 21:20

Hey all, cheers for all the replies it has really helped to put things into perspective. I love my partner very much and appreciate my gorgeous daugher and step son and I am def grateful to have them both. I have decided to get my daughter through this hard time shes going through at her dads (another story)and lose some weight too and then maybe approach the subject again another time. to be honest im not sure if i want as bad as some women, i long for a baby i really do but after reading everyones replies it has helped me realise things so thanx guys.

OP posts:

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