One parent too many

[Hels61]

Hi all - I'm new to this and am still trying to work out what all the acronyms mean!

My question to you all is this - has anyone else been in a situation where ex husband remarries and tries to allow new wife to have equal say/input in every minute detail of the children's lives. For the last five years I have been saying til I'm blue in the face, we are NOT three parents - we are two. But they don't listen. I have three children (15, 13, 11) and we share custody 50/50 but ex behaves like I should let his wife have an equal input. I'm angry and fed-up with fighting them both but believe very strongly that he is being unreasonable.

I too have a teenage son and my husband is his step father and we have had no end of issues in their relationship but they seem to have overcome them now, thank goodness. I see your point about stepping back and I "do" step back e.g. deliberately not going to the door to collect the children and discussing anything at all related to the stepchildren; I leave all that to DH. At the same time I do feel there is a lot of negativity towards step parents just because they are now involved with an ex partner. People seem quicker to get angry and make issues out of things involving step parents than they would if it was an auntie or uncle.

I don't think step parents win either way. It is just was well we love our partners so much as to put up with all the negativity we get heaped on us at times. One day they will all be grown up and it will be but a distant memory!

That's true, it does feel sometimes like we can't win either way. It sometimes feels like either we are over-stepping the mark or we are resentful of our step-childrens' existence and don't treat them the same.

It's hard though if you take over something a parent "should" do. And I don't really like using that phrase, who's to judge what a parent should and shouldn't do, on the whole it's our individual choice isn't it? What if it's that they don't do it or aren't doing it, do we fill that gap?

For example, I've organised every birthday party dsd has ever had. She wouldn't have had them if I hadn't.

I really have opened a can of worms, haven't I?! As I said before, I can't document all the facts here, it would take too long and test everyone's patience. I actually CAN see the step mum's point of view, probably because I am a mother myself - she is not, and I believe she has an idealised view of what a parent should be which allows no margin for compromise. If she had children of her own, I think she would understand. But instead she takes on every situation as a project at which she must excel, and she doesn't understand why, whilst I'm very polite and un-confrontational in her company, I do not want to be her friend. I organised a Mum's night out - she was dismayed that I didn't invite her. But why should I include her in my social life, if I wouldn't have chosen her as a friend if we didn't have the connection of my ex and my children? I am not a vindictive person, I have never punished my ex for choosing someone else, I have ALWAYS put my children's happiness and well being first, I have NEVER bad mouthed my ex or his wife to my kids (for god's sake - I gave them a wedding present!!) but I am regularly made to feel the baddie. I've got over the fact that he moved her in when I moved out, becuase he is weak. I just resent that he is still trying to control my life - and if I thought HE was controlling, she is 10x worse!

I wouldn't socialise with my DH's ex for a million pounds!!

The mere thought of it would bring me out in hives!!

In the nicest possible way, are you quite 'over' ExDH?

Because (sorry I don't want to make you cross or upset) it feels to me like maybe you see the DCs as one place where ExDH is still all yours and his DW has no place...like you could maybe hang onto that one piece of him, and his DW is muscling in on that last bit of relationship that you perceived you still had...

Sounds like she isn't sure of herself or her role, or really, really wants to get things right, so is trying a little too hard.

That's odd expecting to come out with you though. I have no problems being around dsd's mum if our paths cross, and we've had a meal out for dd's birthday that we've all been at. But I wouldn't expect to be invited out with her and her friends, nor vice versa.

But, on the other hand, 4kids, can you imagine wanting to move into a house that your DP / DH had shared with his Ex-DW and their kids together?

Haribosmummy, it wouldn't be my first choice! lol

but sometimes its financially sensible...it certainly gives stability for the DCs if one parent stays in the same house and with 50:50 residence it doesn't really matter who it is...and maybe it has gold taps...

As other have said with 50:50 care of the DCs surely it would be impossible for them not to be cared for by ExDH's DW sometimes??

And, as for other things, if the educational decisions regard private schooling, she does get a say in this because her family income is being spent (and if that's the case, then yes, she gets to go to parents' evening too!). If it regards distance from home and she has part responsibilty for getting the DCs to school, then she gets a say. In fact, if she cares for them, which it seems she does, she gets a say...

I would think if she looks after DCs 50% of the time, she does want to be involved in parties etc. She's their stepmum!

For clarification (in case of roasting...am v sensitive!) I am a mum, stepmum and my DCs have a stepmum...

LOL... Maybe for GOld taps

In my opinion, I think it's far better for everyone involved if the step-parents care enough to want to be involved in the kids lives. My DS has 3 parents: me, his dad and my partner. Because we now live hundreds of miles away from ExP, DS only sees his dad during the school holidays. My DP has an input in all of the decisions about DS, most of which directly concern him (because he is a parent). He comes to parents' nights with me, does DS's homework with him, makes rules, sets boundaries, etc, etc. Basically, he does all the things you'd expect of a parent. We're expecting a baby at the moment and DP is going to treat both kids the same (insofar as its possible to treat an infant and a 9 year old the same).

As far as I know, ExP is happy with the situation; the important thing is that DS is happy and has people who care for him. It would be awful for everyone involved if DP didn't want to be properly involved in DS's life, or if he felt he couldn't be. The only thing he seems to get a little upset about is when DS absent mindedly calls him by DP's name.

And when DS gets a step-mum (which seems unlikely in the near future) I'll just have to accept that there will be 4 parents involved. Of course, it's a bit different since DS is with me almost all the time but I think it would be unreasonable to complain about another woman having input into his life. That doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt a little emotionally but, in the end, I'd prefer that he had a step-mum who loved him and wanted input into his life than one who wasn't interested.

Your ex's wife can only control you if you let her. I only discuss arrangements for the kids with my ex, not his partner. We actually like each other well enough, she has her own kids. I'd happily talk to her in an emergency but day to day stuff I just deal with with ex. Why should you socialise with ex's wife if you don't want to? I'm surprised she expects you to.
Does this woman have her own kids? Maybe women without kids are keener to try and take over someone else's? My husband's partner has always been happy to be in the background as she has her own kids to mother. She's also not a controlling person but is quite laid back.
If you find this woman controlling just have very little to do with her and talk to the kids or their father.

Also I think it sometimes really IS a matter of perception, and perception is so often informed not by reality, but by emotion.

As I've said before, I have no children of my own and I really am a reluctant SM ... BUT if you're going to do it, do it well, so I do my very best to give SD all that she needs, on both a practical and emotional level, because she doesn't get any of this from her BM. I'd rather have my own life back TBH but there you go, you have to go with what you've got. BM has too many of her own problems right now to parent safely, so SD is with us on a full time basis. But this is not my fault ....

HOWEVER .... this is how BM sees it:

I am a childless pram-stealing mental case who wants to steal her daughter. I'm scary, evil and a control freak. I have no right to have anything to do with her child, or make any decisions regarding her child, despite the fact that we often don't hear from her for weeks at a time. And It's ALL MY FAULT

Also I think it sometimes really IS a matter of perception, and perception is so often informed not by reality, but by emotion.

As I've said before, I have no children of my own and I really am a reluctant SM ... BUT if you're going to do it, do it well, so I do my very best to give SD all that she needs, on both a practical and emotional level, because she doesn't get any of this from her BM. I'd rather have my own life back TBH but there you go, you have to go with what you've got. BM has too many of her own problems right now to parent safely, so SD is with us on a full time basis. But this is not my fault ....

HOWEVER .... this is how BM sees it:

I am a childless pram-stealing mental case who wants to steal her daughter. I'm scary, evil and a control freak. I have no right to have anything to do with her child, or make any decisions regarding her child, despite the fact that we often don't hear from her for weeks at a time. And It's ALL MY FAULT

just to throw another thought in there, i am full time step parent WITH parental responsibility. therefore i DO attend parents evenings, medical appts etc and make all the decisions for my dcs that i would my own dd. BM gave permission for this and i think is actually glad that she doesn't have to bother.

but it does affect my dcs in that they realise that their mum is not like everyone elses mum. on the whole it is fine but sometimes it is very difficult.

normally i do not post on step-parenting as my situation is very different from most but thought that others might be interested that you CAN get parental responsibilty as a step parent.

I also instictively agreed with the OP BUT my exH has a new wife and I also have a new DP. He treats my 2 DDs the same as our DSs. He is in fact at the moment at church watching my DD in a Brownie parade. None of the other three of us (ex H, new wife or me) are there. He also looked after the DDs when I went away for the weekend and is always here when I am not. Ex H new wife picks the DDs up and I know that sometimes he is not there. It is just the way of things for us. She goes to parents evenings (we have separate meetings) but I would consult ex H on anything serious or medical. I think though that all 4 of us would make any crucial decisions

I meant to add that all 4 of us would make the crucial decisions as I would not want to leave my new DP out as I value his opinion and he is as big a part of their lives as their Dad and SM (if not bigger!)

SKTTVADDICT I aggree with you.

I agree with SKYTVADDICT too. And what I was trying to say, Hels61, is: how sure are you that your own emotions and possessiveness aren't colouring your perception and interpretation of your ex's new partner's actions?

I know you've said you don't want to go into facts, but maybe it would help if you could just list a couple of examples of where you think your ex's new partner is being an 'interloper' ?

I think you should try to work with it and go with the flow, she doesn't sound like such a bad person. Of all the situations you could have, this is far from the worst, surely?

Yes, there are only one biological 'mum' and 'dad' - but there can be many different kinds of parents and, beyond that, an even wider circle positive adult influence on any child.

It's all good, isn't it?

Interesting posts.. It seems to back up the theory step -parenting seems to be very grey & your "role" differs on whose opinion you ask. It appears that if you speak to BM you're nothing to the child and just the baby-sitter- but you seem to do be & do far more than that!!

As far as the kids are concerned, they dont define your role and will see you as some kind of parental influence. It's the adults that seem to muddy the waters.

As for overstepping the mark? Well, this is something I feel particularly strongly about but feel torn at the same time. In an attempt to not tread on anyone's toes I sometims wish I were invisible. I have to remember that that my OH's little one is the most precious thing in his life. I dont want to(or should be) the one that offers an opinion on the upbringing of his child- as quite frankly, it's none of my business.

Then you have little one's grandparents to consider..... I doubt they would take kindly to me having an opinion or doing anything either with little one. That ol phrase "too many cooks spoil the broth" springs to mind.

I think time plays a role in defining your role. I also think that step children are lucky if they another "parent" to love them, care for them & look out for them.

This must very difficult for you, especially with the other woman now living in what was your family home. Have you tried talking directly to the step mum about boundries?

I am a step mum of a three year old who lives with us 50% of the time and while she only has one mum and one dad we believe she has 4 parents who all take an active role in her ubringing. Big decisions such as which school she will go to are absolutely down to mum and dad, however her step dad and i look after her without the birth present(much cheaper than nursery!) etc and while at my house i do more than dp such as bathing, cooking, playing etc. I would always repect birth mother'd views and would never let dsd do something i know her mum doesnt allow etc

Just noticed later posts, i get on well with DP ex and we socialise at dsd birthday etc but would never never socialise without good reason (and DP in tow!)

Hels61, you say the stepmother has "equal say/input in every minute detail of the children's lives".... can you give some examples. And also - how do you know what is going on at home at your ex husband's place, did your children tell you or did your ex husband?

I'm a stepmother myself and I would never get involved in every minute detail of my stepson's life. We have him 50% and I do the school runs, I cook him dinner, I wash his clothes, I help him with his homework, yes... all these things. But on the other hand I would not get involved when it comes to choosing his school, the courses he should attend, medical deicisons, how he spends his holidays, etc... as I consider that not my duty or responsibility.

I think a stepmother can only be the third parent when both parents authorise her to do so. So when my husband cannot look after SS he asks his mother first if she wants to take him. If she says she cannot or does not want to and I have to look after him - in that case I'll assume that she gives me third parent status and during this time I expect her to leave me alone and not hassle either me or SS with phone calls about "how we are doing". In her absense and my husband's absence I am authorised to take any decision for SS I find is right. But only then.

To parents evenings I would only go if neither she nor my husband can go. Same for school birthdays, doctor visits, etc. ... my husband sometimes asks me for advice re SS and in this case I'll give it to him. Or if I have the feeling something is wrong or could be done better... but apart from that, the responsibility is for me with the biological parents.

Having said that, my home is my home and I decide what rules my stepson follows. And if he transgresses rules, my husband disciplines him. I would never discipline him, but I will make sure my husband does on my behalf if there is some misbehaviour (which is rarely the case).

Apart from that I am his stepmother, I feel for him as if he were my own child, I spent the same amount of time with him than his mother does, through my presence, my opinions, my lifestyle I obviously have a huge influence on him. But from there making major decisions about my stepson's life - no.

My ex husbands wife (who he had affair with and was why we divorced) comes along to events such as sports days etc, parties etc. However, she does not get a say in anything that relates to my son's health matters, finances or schooling in terms of big decisions, that is for myself and my ex to decide.

Whatever I may feel towards her personally she does really care for my ds when he is in their house and there is a lot of love between them. This i think is the most important thing. You would not want your child in the care of someone that is not interested.

Initially I felt threatened by her but your children aren't your property, you are there to guide them the best way you can and if they have 4 good people guiding them then this has only got to be a positive thing.