DP sticking his head in the sand at the expense of everyone else

[SunBurntandAble]

We had an incident at the weekend.

Basically DSD doesn't get on with her mother and tries to see her as little as possible. She's 12.

Anyway, last week, her mother contacted DP and asked if she could take their DD out on Saturday. DP said no as we had plans. She said she would take her on the sunday then as she needed to see her. To be fair, the woman see's her DD very little indeed so IMO any contact should be encouraged. DP agreed on the Sunday.

However, he neglected to tell DSD this, afraid of the fallout.

So late last week, DSD asks if she can go to a swimming thing on Sunday. DP agrees. I assumed of course that her mother's visit had been cancelled but I stayed out of it.

Friday came = DSD fully arranged the sunday swimming event, arranging for friends etc to go too ... everyone was all excited, as far as she knew, it was all sorted.

So imagine her horror when Saturday night, her mother texts her to ask what time she should pick her up on Sunday!

DSD asks DP what is going on, DP reluctantly tells her that she's supposed to be going out with her mother on Sunday.

This annoyed me because he saw her arranging this swimming thing, even agreed that she could go and knew all along it would have to be cancelled.

DSD understandably starts kicking off, crying, very upset ... DP says "well phone your mum and tell her you want to go swimming instead".

So she does.

5 minutes later, DSD comes downstairs crying and shouting how he she HATED her mother. Apparantly her mother had shouted at her, asked her why she didn't love her "I'm your mother, I should come first" etc etc before slamming the phone down on DSD.

DP sits down to watch the rugby.

DSD says "what should I do? I really don't want to go"

DP carries on watching rugby, ignoring her.

DSD cries "Dad, I don't want to go, please phone her"

DP carries on watching rugby

I snap at this point and say "she is upset! can you help her sort this out??" and he sighs and says "just phone her again".

DSD understandably doesn't want to phone her again. DP darn't phone her either ... it all gets a bit ridiculous ... DP carries on watching rugby ...

Eventually I say "why on earth did you let her sort the swimming thing out when you knew her mother was taking her out??" and he replied "I know, it's my fault, I should have organised things a bit better"

no shit sherlock.

I was so angry but this is so typical of him. He sticks his head in the sand instead of sorting stuff out and when it all blows up, he sits there watching TV.

Tell him to strap on a pair.....

No I'm sorry that isnt like me normally but you need to talk to him properly.

Tis isnt fair on your DSD or her mother (or you for that matter)

Worried about fallout? He is the dad! A relationship with a mother of some sort is surely important so as her dad surely he should be able to tell her what has been arranged.

Obviously the situation is more delicate than i am writing about it but just trying to get my generalised opinion across but worried about offending

I'm not sure that came across as i meant it to

What a total arse.

Why would an adult behave like that?

Shocking

Your DH is being a complete idiot.

Can you bring up a discussion between the 3 of you at a meal time suggesting that your dsd committs to seeing her Mum once a fortnight/per month (whatever is reasonable in the circumstances) and then getting your dsd to state when it suits her best for the next 2/3 visits and then your dh arranges that with his ex?

You really shouldn't have to be involved but I think you're going to have to be to an extent.

I'd have given him such a b*llocking if he were my dh

Your husband's behaviour is cruel to both his daughter and her mother. He should be supporting his daughters relationship with her mother and encouraging contact.
This just sounds selfish and irresponsible. Who benefitted from him arranging a swimming trip? no-one. If I was a judge I'd give residency to the mum if he regularly manipulated situations like that. The whole thing was designed to upset his daughter and her mum and not want his daughter to go to her mums.
I would be very angry with him and although you should keep out of arrangements between your husband and his ex I would not want to be in a relationship with a selfish manipulator so would tell him to play fair by his ex, allow his daughter to have a relationship with her mum and grow up if he wanted me in his life. I hope the mum got to see her daughter. Couldn't the mum have taken them all swimming as the way of saving a disaterous situation?

2rebecca it sounds to me like the daugher arranged the swimming event (not dad) and that he allows contact (but the daughter doesn't want to see her). I don't know what went on before which made the daughter not want to see her mother; do any of you before you judge? It's always the mother that seems to come out on top no matter what when sometimes it just isn't deserved.

Your dp should have stopped watching the bloody tv and dealt with the situation. Firstly, her should be involving his daughter in arrangements to see her mother, not just arrange something and not tell her at all. That's selfish as he's trying to absolve himself from the resonsibilty of it. He should never have allowed the whole situation to arise.

The mother is also very selfish here imo. who would say to their own child, "Don't you love me" etc etc, THAT is manipulative and designed to make the child feel very guilty. I can't stand people that use children in such a way. Sounds like they both need to grow up a lot.

What a silly man.

I think you are right to get involved OP. The poor child obviously needs a responsible adult in her corner.

Have you shown your dh this thread?

The daughter asked the dad if she could go to a swimming event before arranging things with friends. The dad really should have discussed the daughter going to her mums when her mum wanted to see her I agree, and at 12 you need the child's co-operation. I think it's hard to build a good relationship with a parent if you rarely see them though so if it was my 12 year old I would encourage them to go. The dad should definitely have told the daughter that her mum wanted to spend time with her when the daughter first asked about the swimming event though.
We had similar problems from my husband's ex who when his daughter was due to come here would say "you don't have to go, wouldn't you rather have a friend round for a sleepover?" and then tell my husband his daughter didn't want to see him. It is very hurtfulk for a nonresident parent if a child doesn't want to see you and I think the resident parent should generally encourage children to see the other parent unless they are being abusive as children can be very short term and selfish in their thinking.

I am backing up 2rebecca - to be honest with you it sounded like a very cruel manipulation. He knew it would all kick off and that both girls (ex and daughter) would be heartbroken and by allowing this he obviously wanted it to happen - then did NOTHING to even settle his daughter down ALLOWING her to talk about the other parent like that ENCOURAGING the situation to get worse. I am a step parent and if my dp behaved like that I would have very strong reservations about being with him. What other passive aggressive techniques to encourage his daughter to hate her mother has he used. Grrrr.

p.s something I should have said earlier is thank goodness this girl has you to support her - it sounds like she needs it.