FITTING IN...

[sunshine13]

Just wondered how you all felt being a step-parent to begin with..

To keep my story as brief as poss.....

I met OH about 6months ago. Things moved on at quite a quick pace for both of us. We are moving in together properly in September. I was Ok with this. Met his son (who is nearly 2 1/2). We seem to get on OK. He is a lovely little boy.

OH is battling through the courts to see more of his little boy. That, in itself, has already tested the relationship (not least becuaue the MAD EX gets far too much air time for my liking!!!). Sometimes, there is nothing I can do or say that can help.

One of the things that I have found difficulty in is where I fit in.. On one hand the little un & I get on ok but I feel that i have really have no right to voice any kind of opinion when it comes to his son. OH has expressly asked for my opinion & I have given it. But my general rule as been so far: IM JUST YOUR GIRLFREIND AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR SON.

The relationship I have with his little boy & how I act with OH & little un (and, sometimes his family or seeing freinds with their own family)can become awkward...

I am a laid back kinda gal & do my best to not offend anyone, which usually involves saying nothing & keeping my opinions to myself.

I just wondered all of your stories, how you coped, how you felt & how you fitted in.. Was it difficult? are you close? Does the mad ex make an appearance.

Oh I just spent ten minutes typing out loads and have lost it all so i am going to try and remember some of what I was blabbering about

In brief...

DH and I met when DSS was 4 he is now nearly 13. We have a pretty good relationship, with him (and even his mum and step-dad).

At firsst it was hard as I had never been around kids and I didnt realise that it is normal to find them lovely and irratitng!

With your own dcs when they annoy you, you get cross and then make up really easily because you all love each other unconditionally.

With stepchildren that love can be there but not in the same way. I was always aware that his mum, is and always will be far more important than I ever will be, which when you are not getting on with their mum can be difficult.

So when he was annoying I would get annoyed and cross and then feel like a total and utter bitch where as with my DCs I get cross and then we make up and everyone forgets about it!

right I am going to post this and come back with some of my top tips on being a step parent as I'm paranoid of losing it all again!

So here are my tips:

1. Remember at all times that none of it his fault!
2. Whilst you are looking after him treat him as you and your DP agree together. parent him together, I know some people leave it all to their DP but I think it is good to agree on things as you would if your parent

3.It's fine to have different rules in different houses. Stick to what you both agree with and they soon adapt.

1. Never ever slag of his mum infront of him.(you or DH)

1. Try and make things as good between you, DP and his ex as possible. If she doesnt want to meet you fine, if she does good. If she is worried about things speak to her resonably even if she isnt being. It must be hard to have someone else look after your DC.

Make your Dh realise that it is in his childs best interest for you all to be civil and at the end of the day the DCs are more important than any of you.

1. Make your DSS your friend; play with him, enjoy him. Be the fun one. But don't be afraid to discpline him as you and your DH have agreed.

1. treat all of the DCs in your relationship with equal importance in any decision making yyou do.

1. Around his family, just show them that you are caring for him, play with him, be kind to him, as you would at home.

hope these make sense as I have had a glass of wine!

thank you Noonki.. that was great!! That really helped.

OH and I have talked about parenting little un together. We move in together in September and have agreed on setting ground rules etc together as a unit. I agree it's important.

As for not slagging off the ex in front of little un.. UM... that WILL have to take some work,I admit. I think OH & I are both equally responsible for saying negative thigs. I have become much more aware of it as he's at that age where he COPIES everything we say.

the ex wants to meet me (she hasnt actually come out & SAID that, she's been needling to get at me through court orders). Regretably OH wasnt invited to meet her new boyfreind (turns out that his ex was probably sleeping with him before she buggared off and took the little un with her)

I long for the day where we could all be adult and mature enught to meet & talk (just like your situation) but I dont think that will ever happen.

Around little one, I am very relaxed and laid back. He has come to me for cuddles, he sits on my lap & we play togehter, but I get the feeling that he still wary of me. I guess he would do as he only sees me (And OH) every fortnight. I have to admit to feeling very protective of him (which I guess is natural). You're right though... sometimes i think "i cant imagine having to deal with this ALL the time!" esp when he has the obligitory 2 year old tantrum!

sunshine,

it can happen (being civil) if you all take it slowly (took about 5 years in our case but for DSS means the world..and for all of us it is so much easier) don't rise to pettiness and only kick up a fuss if it is in the best interests of DSS.

In your I situation, agree to meet, be very civil and say that all you want is the best for DSS and that you hope you can all get along.

Your OH needs to stop worrying that she messed him about in the long run she has done him a favour as now you two are together!

I think that feeling of protection you mention is the real begining of caring for a child above and beyond them being a friends kid.

It sounds like you will be a fabulous step mum. If he is coming to you for cuddles that is brilliant.

I will bang on about the not slagging his mum off again. The reasons are:

1. No one likes to hear someone they love being slated (if you have a sibling I bet you remember moaning about them to someone then defending them like anything if someone else should slag them off!)

1. It makes them feel they cant talk openly about their mum when they get older (and you want them to be as open as possible, especially if anything bad happens)

3, They know that they are half their mum so if you don't like her they take that to mean you don't like them. (very sad for them thiknkging their dad doesnt like them)

1. They will feel resentment to you and your OH more than their mum

1. If she really is a bitch they will work it out when they are good and ready, but will not thank you for pointing it out!

It is very hard to step parent but you might as well make it as enjoyable and easy.

Best go as my DSS is currently playing with his two little brothers (see they have other uses too!)

Hello sunshine,

stepparenting is a tough experience. It depends on so many different factors... but it is especially difficult if you do not have children on your own.

Expect the following problems:

• your step child might reject you at some point

• step child might play up with you, depending on how much he wants Mum and Dad getting back together

• expect a lot of work and effort and little thanks in return, or even hostility in return

• you might become jealous of your partner's affection for his kids, or the step child will get jealous of your relationhip with his parent

• the biological mother is an important factor: if she's over her relation with your DP, if she is secure in her role as a mother, if she does not need your DP for money or other stuff, and if she likes you, then all is fine. In all other cases be prepared for a rocky ride! Some BMs are prepared to go the extra length to drive you out of your relationship and away from their kids!

• you might not get any recognition from your DP's family or friends or from the teachers of your step child

• setting up your own family might be complicated...

-you might get resenful of not having been the first one giving children to your DP, or about the unconditional love the kids have for their mother, or her getting all the time all the credit and you very little or none (especially if the BM is a bitch)

• you might resent sharing your time with OH with the kids

• you might lose yourself and your identity in this complex setting and in your role as a stepmum, etc.

The list is long.... a lot of women say they would have never dated a man with kids had they known before what it would involve...on the other hand - if you love your partner and he loves you - there is not really a choice, you need to ride it out. And it can also be a very rewarding situation, especially when you'll finally get some recognition from your step child. There are many stepkids out there who actually prefer their stepmums to their real mothers ( it is simply not true that Mum always comes first!) or who give you an egalitarian status to their BMs and call you their other Mum... so maybe you'll become one of these lucky step mums. And in time - I've been told - things will get better and in the end you might even reach normality! ;)

Keep us posted x

thanks for keeping it real.

1. you're right, its really hard when you havent got kids. You have NO idea what other people are talking about & going into MOTHERCARE is a very scary place- full of smug mothers looking at you in that way as if to say "one day you'll understand what it's like to be a mother". Im a pretty laid back person but sometimes find it difficult to know what to say/do

2. i hereby promise not to say anything negative about mother again in front of child. It's hard when she activily stops OH from seeing son0 she even moved 300 miles to cut him out of son's life.

3. Setting up own famly dificult? how so? more complicated and stressful than going through custody battles and court appearances at the moment for OH to see more of his son?? I think I know what you mean though. I had wondered if having our own kids would upset the apple cart- especially with the mad ex.

4. I have freinds tell me that they wouldnt be in my position & they wouldnt date a man who already had kids, let alone go through custody battles.. I was quite shocked but I understand why they say that. It's hard.. I dont deny that!!

Having said all of that though, I wonder if Im being a little hard on myself. He does come to me for cuddles (not bad for someone who has NO kids) and am getting to know what a nappy bag looks like (the changing part is left to OH, although through the smell of it I am sure passive nappy changing is a new term!)

I am also very loyal so wont give up easily. ....

There are positives!

my DSS spent 4 days with us and just left, his two little brothers had so much fun with him (2&3)

I love my DSS and he brings so much good into my life, just expect a different relationship with him than anyone else 9and that can be a good thing)

My DSS step-dad is probably the world's best step-parent (he doesn't actually live with DSS but has been his mum's boyfriend for 8 years and sees him most days).

He is a confidant and someone DSS can talk to for hours when the rest of us have given up the ghost, as he doesnt have his own kids he is really patient.

DSS gets lots from us all in different ways and as he has 4 'parents' he gets lots of positive attention, and in return he is very lovable and enjoyable to be around

ps I'm missing him as he's gone home (one of the downsides)

Hey Sunshine

I think Noonki has given loads of great advice. My dsc are 14 and 13 and I met their dad when they were 10 and 9.

It isn't always easy and I nearly didnt' go on my first date with DH because he had 'baggage' I soon realised though that whilst it is certainly not easy being a step parent Dh's previous experiences had made him who he was when we met and I wouldn't want to change that.

IME the exW is far harder to deal with than the children. It is very difficult not to resent this woman (who has shared something special with the man you love) and who is still (despite best efforts) a big influence on his life going forward (through his ds). Much harder if she is a bitch. Trust me I sometimes have to bite my tongue so hard I think I'll explode but the dcs don't want to hear their mum being slagged off even if they know she's being unreasonable.

In terms of dealing with the children then you will find your way. I have a good relationship with my dsc now. my dsd said i'm a cross between a friend and a parent

Sounds like you and your dss have got off to a good start. His dad must being going through hell trying to see him. Good luck for the future

thanks..
I have to admit I did have 2nd thoughts in the beginning when I knew what the deal was with "the baggage"

1. mad & bitchy ex
2. fitting in with child- step parenting
3. cutsody battle through court
4. potential trust issues??
5. was he really ready for a relationship?

i did a lot of asking in the beginning. He was probably sick of my asking all the time about the situation. I had to be sure though. It was a lot to take on and I knew that there was worse to come.

But I fell for him and we communicate all the time. there are things that have been easier than I thought and other things that have been harder.

we are a strong couple (just as well really ) and we do talk a lot.

Meeting his little one softens me. He kinda brings out my maternal instincts. I hope that I will be a good step mum...

I think it does make you a strong couple - well it has done for us. Communication is vital as it's so easy to brood on things or misunderstand.

I was also surprised at how I coped with children when I had literally no experience whatsoever. I think it helped that they are good kids. Well ok they were good until the teenage behaviour started

I'm sure you'll make a good step mum - you sound like you really care

I agree with silkcushion. Communication (as always!) is key.

I think the fact that you are thinking so much about it all shows that you will be a good step-parent.

it was only when i became a mum that I realised that I probably wasn't such a bad step-parent after all!

I was thinking about what makes it harder when you do have your own family (if!)
and one of the things I remember is irrationally being jealous that DH had already been through a pregnancy/baby and thought it took away from it being special.

After having my second I realised in fact every pregnancy is so special it makes no difference and that you forget most things between babies (and ours where only 19 months apart)

the best thing though is how much calmer my dh was compared to all of my friends dp when with DS1 as a newborn, and as a result I was much calmer and confident!

There will be hard times ahead but just try and enjoy him as much as possible, and just ask on here or with friends with kids, honestly all parents make it up as they go along!

that's very comforting to hear silkcusion - that this has made you a very strong couple.
I think it could be the same for us.. well it certainly is heading that way.

lol- I know what you mean about feeling a little awkward with kid, when you dont have any yourself. What makes it worse sometimes is if I have this conversation with mothers who just give me a vague.."well, you will just know what to do" and Im thinking "no actually, I have nooo clue".

Noonki - you have articulated perfectly how I felt about having our own children. I thought it would be ruined because he'd done it before (with a crazy bag)

But he seems much more supportive than most of my friends dhs. I'm about to have no 2 (19 month gap as well) and agree each baby is special.

Sunshine - you'll work it out with yr dss. If you have children then you'll realise that mothers haven't a bloody clue either - we all just muddle along the best we can. Giving birth certainly doens't make you an expert

Ain't that the truth silkcushion?

Seems it's the dirty little secret that no parents (mothers or fathers) muddle along, making it up as you go along.

I've met more than my fair share of smug parents who may as well as wear a badge that says `Born to be a parent' as their maternal/paternal waves flow from their every pore.

Kids are individuals and what works for some, doesn't work for others. Parents are individuals too and anyone who says they always have an answer are telling porkies.