What do you do when your partner has a different perspective on parenting according to who is the parent of the child?

[OrangeFish]

I'm in a relationship with an adorable man (lets call him NM), we are not living together but it is a possibility in the future, I'm not going to enter into details of how wonderful he is and how he seems to be just right for me because I want to focus on a particular issue that may be a deal breaker for me.

This may be a bit confusing as each of us have a boy so I will separate he things in two parts (below) to avoid confusion.

PART 1: NM, I and... my DS (A)
NM is a very intuitive person and notice things that could be done to make DS(A) feel better about things. He likes to do things for him, plans things that may interest him, and takes him to places he thinks he would like. DS(A) absolutely adores him (so much that when DS(A) is around it is difficult to act as a group as DS(A) won't stop talking to him).

So far so good but for one thing: NM was raised by his grandmother and it is easy to see that the phrase "children should be seen but not heard" sits well with him, he spends a lot of time pointing out how DS(A)'s behaviour is unacceptable: He doesn't say thank you enough, or please, he is loud and rowdy. He has gone into suggesting meditation classes for DS(A) (seriously) to help him calm down. DS is 6 years old, and no different to any other child his age.

I was raised in a house where children were seen but not heard and... that is exactly what I would like to avoid with DS. I want him to grow up thinking that he is an important part of the family not a second class citizen of it. Obviously, that doesn't mean he does or gets to do whatever he wants, he is just a child that is allowed to join in the conversations (provided they are child friendly), who is used to a very affectionate setting and who see adults and children alike as potential friends.

I want a family where children grow up being part of the equation, to a point that when they are old we can all sit around a table, laugh, and discuss things as friends. I don't want the distance I have with my parents where the family is split in two different teams, where I am made to feel they are the parents and we are the children even when my sisters and I are reaching our 40s.

My DS is very careful with NM's DS (a 3.5 yr old), he helps him with things, try to get him involved and plays with him. However he doesn't have the tact or intuition to figure out when or how the other child may find the things too much (like walking ahead of him or pushing the lift's button first)

CASE 2: NM, I and his DS (B)

The day I met NM's DS(B) I thought that it was great to have another child coming into the equation. I thought that once DS(A) and DS(B) were a bit older they would be able to play easily together. I'm very affectionate and love to have children around, as I mentioned above I like them to feel an important part of the team. I like activity, running with them, playing, joking with them and doing plenty of silly things. And some way I was expecting I could be/do all of the above with NM's child.

NM"s child is a very polite little boy who says thank you, sorry, and good morning when you meet him. He never ever raises his voice unless... you don't do exactly as he wants, and when you don't he just gets into a full blown tantrum, screams as if he were 2 years younger, throws himself on the floor and I have even see him throwing his food at his father just because he was not allowed to eat the pudding first (subsequently, NM obliged)

NM would agree to do absolutely whatever the child fancies rather than risking a tantrum, so the few days we spend together with both children are like a few hours long game of Simon Says where NM's son dictates what and how we should do at ALL times. NM gives him all the options and freedom to choose what comes next, from where we are going to go, or do, to what and where we are going to eat even if that comes into detriment of the other persons in the group.

I feel scared to approach DS(B) as he is so sensitive that even an affectionate "hi" can dissolve him in tears, I feel I have to be tiptoeeing around him at the risk of upsetting him. And when both children are together I feel so stressed up at having to take so much care of DS(A) behaviour to avoid upsetting the other child. I think that DS(A) can not act or play as a normal child because that upsets DS(B) and therefore, also NM

When we are all together NM tries to split the constant demand of attention by both children fairly. Which I really appreciate. However he gets annoyed at DS(A) behaviour as he thinks that that would upset the other kid, and this may range from touching one of the toys belonging to the other child, to passing in front of a museum display the other child was looking at.

I feel so stressed and fed up at having to walk on eggshells when the child/children are around that I have started to dread the days we spend together. Naturally... I am not seeing much future in staying with NM, at the moment....

So the question is, have any of you succeeded in sorting up a similar situation to the one above? if so, how? I know that I would not allow a child to dictate the day, and I would have certainly have a word with the child if... he was not a potential DSS (I suspect that in the case of step children, the way rules are applied may vary)

Is there any future? We have only been together for a few months.

Have you talked to your NM about it? He might not be aware that he is being like it.

His relationship with your ds is still very new, you might need to give it a bit more time for things to settle.

He sounds like he may be able to reflect on his behaviour if he is into things like meditation, so that I think is a good sign.

Hand on heart, I love my dsd (13) dearly, she's lovely and funny and a brilliant sister to dd - love her to bits. But I do feel differently towards her and towards dd. It's hard to explain. I'd never see any harm come to her, I always want what's best for her, treat her the same etc ... but I can be less tolerant of her than dd. Whether that's because she can be a lippy, irritating teenager I'm not sure - time will tell. The thing is I know I am like that so always try to take a step back, deep breath and try to have a think before I react to anything (or apologise if I don't and just react and feel I'm in the wrong). With dd, I guess being my biological child, it is different. I find that if I get cross it doesn't last long. Outwardly, of course, dsd has no idea about all that (I hope). We certainly do have a close relationship with no problems.

Surfermum, I understand where are you coming from. This is not the first time I am with someone who had children from another relationship.

With previous relationship, all the children where more or less the same age, they had a great time and also fighted as siblings do. But it was very relaxed, I think that having children of similar ages gave exp and I a better understanding of what sort of behaviour could be reasonably expected from the 3 boys. I really enjoyed doing things together.

Perhaps that is something that is also getting to me. The mechanics of the relationship this time are completely different. In the other occassion we were a team of two adults and 3 children. In this one I feel as if it were, us the adults, your child, and mine. It doesn't seem very cohesive does it?

I think the decision maker is how well you communicate with NM. I think it will take a lot of honest talking between you to get this to work. Good luck.

I have a 6yo DSD and a 21 month old DD. To younger children you do I think give more concessions to them because they simply don't have the sense or control. DSD loves DD but is frustrated sometimes with her because DD doesnt tidy up (well only a little) throws things, hits etc. We keep saying she is a walking baby and she needs to be gently taught but it will take sometime. In short step family or not you do treat younger children differently than older ones imo because younger children dont know the score whereas older ones do. I was doubting myself on this one when I saw a mum in a doctors reception with a DD of about 5/6 and DS of say 2. When the DS had a tussle with his sister and started screaming mum took the toy of her DD and gave it back to her DS.
Another thing tell me about the living arrangements for NM's DS. How often is he with dad? How long ago was the spilt? How amicable was it?

In my previous relationship DS was the younger of the three and was allowed certain privileges for it, like being able to start a race slightly earlier so he could have a chance, and things of the sort, which is the same thing I would do with any younger child, including this one.

However, I agree with you that you need to make concessions for younger children but I don't remember DS to be allowed to rule the day at that age, in the way this little boy is.

NM and his ex wife split almost a year ago, ammicably, I have been told. Mum's happy now living with new boyfriend, his dad claims to be very happy with me. SO I think things are OK between them. I insisted A LOT in not getting the children involved until we knew this relationship was serious enough, mostly to protect the children, and yes also to protect myself, as I got very attached to the children of my ex and it was really hard to see them go. NM asked ex about her thoughts on introducing another person (me) and she said she didn't have any concerns.

I think you just have to talk and talk and talk and use trial and error in order to ensure that everyone in your new blended family is getting a fair deal and that similar (age-appropriate) behaviour is expected of everyone (adults included). If you try hard you might have resolved your parenting differences in - at a guess - a year or two?

Thank you Anna, it helps to have an estimated time to resolve our parenting differences.... (Aaaaarghhh!!! 2 years!!!! actually I'm joking, I would have thought that it was going to be a life long learning process, so... Is it really possible to sort them?)

I posted this thread in chat so all the updates to the situation are there, just in case you want to have a look

The 1-2 years is based on my own experience of blending a family - we consciously worked very hard at it, and we didn't try to impose our own family's POV or even our own, but tried to look at all the ways of making things work for everyone concerned.

Good advice, concentrating in what works for everyone rather than trying to impose on the others what works for one.

I suppose that's the way "unblended" families operate, so... yes... Why not to apply it to blended ones, leaving behind the old structures and concentrating on finding what suits the present family rather than the old ones.
Thank you