Is This Acceptable Behaviour??

[IBlameThePenguins]

Hi,

I've posted on this thread before, but under a different name. I'll try and keep this short, but am really confused, and would value your opinions, or maybe just some perspective...

My DP has two young DC's and I am 25weeks pregnant. Things are tricky with his ExP, so I don't really get to see his children (who live 200miles away) but he goes away every weekend to see them.

Things have been really tough with DP and I at the moment. It doesn't help that we have no real quality time together etc. But the thing that's really upsetting me is the amount of time he spends at his ExP's when he goes up to see the children.

He will often go and spend whole days there, while she is there too. He even slept there once when she went out for the night. I just phoned him, and he told me he's spending the morning there (His Mum lives about a minute's walk away, so it's not as though he has no where else to go). When her sister had a baby recently, he told he'd become "an Uncle".

I have to be honest...this makes me feel really uncomfortable. He tells me he "has to" maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children. Is this acceptable? Can he have an emotional relationship with both of us? I have tried to be understanding, but it seems he is always searching for excuses to be there, and she always rings "for a chat" when he's here in the week. I know he rings 2/3times a day to speak to hs kids, but I also know that she rings when the kids aren't with her/are in bed.

Am I totally irrational to feel uncomfortable by this behaviour? I have no family experience of step-children, and no friends who are steps, so really don't know what is normal/acceptable? He also recently told me that he is scared o love out baby because of his other 2 children, which totally broke my heart.

Thanks in advance for any response? I REALLY need to hear what others have to say on the matter. At the moment I just feel so dispondent. I feel as though I just want to take my baby and run

OP (waves) just wanted to add that my DP said something along similar lines about out baby-to-be. His impending arrival is amplifying the feelings of guilt and sadness DP has for not being a full-time father any more to his other two. I can understand it, but it was very difficult to deal with.

But I'm lucky in that all the emotion between him and his ex is utterly gone... except for a healthy dose of contempt. But, they do manage to sit down and do co-parenting on important things from time to time... but that's only in small sessions over a cup of tea. He won't stay any length of time at the house because it's unsettling for the kids, didn't even stay for his DD's birthday party because it's still at the stage where clear lines need to be drawn.

That DD recently started acting up towards me when her mum became single again... it's going to be a long journey, but I guess that's par for the course when it comes to step-parenting.

Good luck, and agree with him putting his foot down. DP didn't, out of fear of not seeing them... and that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, DP letting another woman walk all over him (well that's how I saw it anyway!).

I think it's possible that her/their behaviour is innapropriate, but obviously wouldn't dream of catagorically saying so as I can't be sure - only you can.

However...if she calls him for 'a chat' is it because they are truly friends, or is it because she wishes they were more. Does he call her for similar chats?

He has definitely not become an uncle in these circumstances imo. He is related to his DCs (obviously! ). He is not related to his ex or her sister or her sister's DC.

Of course he does not have to 'maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children.' He should maintain a civil, considerate relationship with her - but it would seem that he wants to maintain an emotional one, wouldn't it?

He does not have to spend the day at his Ex's house playing happy families. IME this is potentially confusing for the DCs in the long term. They do not need their parents to pretend they are still having a relationship - they need their parents to demonstrate that they can act like kind, considerate grown-ups who know how to co-parent. And to be allowed to understand that each parent may well have other significant others, and that this will not detract from their role as mother/father. I think it can be confusing for the DCs if they are for all intents and purposes led to believe that their parents are still a unit when there are other DPs also involved.

and fwiw I think that this is potentially a better place for it than relationships because you might be more likely to get responses from people with similar experiences? And, while I want to reassure you and give you a big hug, I think you should proceed with caution if it feels like he is choosing his ExP over you and your baby - because it sure looks like that from where I'm sitting and with the limited information we have here

OP< I just peeked in relationships where you say 'His ExP regularly refers to me as the person she hates'.

If she has no reason to hate you, other than the fact you are with DP (has she actually met you?) I would suggest that there is absolutely no doubt at all that at least one of them is having an innapropriate relationship with the other. whether it is reciprocated or not is unproven, but this is not a healthy way to raise children...Hawkmoth says some really sensible stuff about clear lines needing to be drawn. For the good of everyone. And before the 'first wives are all saints and second wives are all wicked step-mothers' brigade arrives and flames me, I'm not suggesting anything other than kindness, politeness, courtesy, consideration, and good co-parenting. There is grey between being together and hating each other - I'm not suggesting for a moment that anyone should fall out or cause conflict, just that the OP shouldn't have to 'share' her DH with his ex if the relationship they have is any more than true friends and co-parents. And from the Exp's hatred of the OP it would certainly seem that that is the case...

Thanks for your honesty everyone. I'm not really sure where to go from here, but do appreciate the perspective .

x