Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Is This Acceptable Behaviour??

29 replies

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 11:35

Hi,

I've posted on this thread before, but under a different name. I'll try and keep this short, but am really confused, and would value your opinions, or maybe just some perspective...

My DP has two young DC's and I am 25weeks pregnant. Things are tricky with his ExP, so I don't really get to see his children (who live 200miles away) but he goes away every weekend to see them.

Things have been really tough with DP and I at the moment. It doesn't help that we have no real quality time together etc. But the thing that's really upsetting me is the amount of time he spends at his ExP's when he goes up to see the children.

He will often go and spend whole days there, while she is there too. He even slept there once when she went out for the night. I just phoned him, and he told me he's spending the morning there (His Mum lives about a minute's walk away, so it's not as though he has no where else to go). When her sister had a baby recently, he told he'd become "an Uncle".

I have to be honest...this makes me feel really uncomfortable. He tells me he "has to" maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children. Is this acceptable? Can he have an emotional relationship with both of us? I have tried to be understanding, but it seems he is always searching for excuses to be there, and she always rings "for a chat" when he's here in the week. I know he rings 2/3times a day to speak to hs kids, but I also know that she rings when the kids aren't with her/are in bed.

Am I totally irrational to feel uncomfortable by this behaviour? I have no family experience of step-children, and no friends who are steps, so really don't know what is normal/acceptable? He also recently told me that he is scared o love out baby because of his other 2 children, which totally broke my heart.

Thanks in advance for any response? I REALLY need to hear what others have to say on the matter. At the moment I just feel so dispondent. I feel as though I just want to take my baby and run

OP posts:
EllieG · 18/05/2009 11:40

I'm sorry you're in this position.
I am a step parent but not in the way you are, as DSD's mother is dead, so I cannot give you advice from my perspective. However, I think he is being inappropriate. And as for saying he is scared to love your baby together, well that is just insensitive and hurtful in the extreme.
Have you discussed it with him in the way you've just set it down here?

EllieG · 18/05/2009 11:41

IMO - this is not a step-parenting issue, but a relationship one, maybe also post there.

HuffwardlyRudge · 18/05/2009 11:44

It doesn't matter if it is acceptable to anyone else, it is obviously not acceptable to you and that's all that metters.

Re the scared to love your baby comment - maybe cut him some slack about this. I felt the same way about dc2 being born - when you already have children and love them fiercly it is hard to imagine being able to love someone you don't yet know just as much. Most people do though. He is obviously a caring father to his children and this is good.

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 11:44

Well, I can understand how you are feeling but tbh it is a very good thing that he gets on well with his children's mother, from the perspective of the children's happiness and development anyway.

Please don't start making it difficult for him just because you are jealous. If you trust your DP to be completewly faithful to you and not cross any boundaries with his ex then you need to just try to accept it. As his children get older they will probably be able to come to you at weekends so this arrangement won't be forever.

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 11:50

Huffeard I have to disagree with you re that point, for a relationship to work it is not just about what is acceptable to one partner or not. Just because someone finds something unacceptable doesn't mean it's wrong or the other person has to stop doing it. The op needs to talk about her feelings to her DP and together they need to work through it.

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 11:50

I really don't want to make it difficult for them. I just want to know if it is normal for them to spend so much time at her place? Like I say I have no experience of this, and I know it's different to a relationship with a "normal" ex.

Thanks for the opinions so far.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 18/05/2009 12:18

Hi I blame - I have posted on your other thread. I dont think asking that he sleeps at his mothers, not at his ex wifes would be unreasonable and I would also suggest you have a chat about what will happen when the new baby comes as you cant be left every weekend all alone whilst he goes away - he needs to broach the subject with the ex and start to put some more mutually acceptable boundaries in place - and yes for this or any relationship ever to work it is vital that you are both comfortable with the arrangements. You arent being jealous - you are naturally threatened by a situation I think most of us would feel a bit iffy about. That said over makes a great point about making sure he still sees and relates to his existing kids. I am sure once your baby is born, things will be fine - lots of men feel like that. Do the kids know that they are soon to get a little brother or sister.

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 16:21

I'm on the other side of the fence... ExH and I managed to split in a very friendly way,neither of us had any romantic feelings whatsoever by the time. No dramas, no violence, no jealousy. DS took it remarkably well. ExH and I managed a very good friendship for a long time (I used to joke I was his older sister)

Then comes into the scene this new woman, she is lovely, sensible, beautiful and has great style. But that is not enough to convince her she can trust DH, unaware of the long standing friendship, she decides exH's contact with me is unnacceptable... which means DS doesn't get to see us together with family or friends anymore (a treat he really seemed to enjoy), we can not meet with our groups of friends without being scared that the woman may be upset, friends are walking over eggshells and are feeling forced to choose between me and x which was a situation that had not presented before. DS has been very upset at it and his behaviour is now a disgrace. I have just moved out of the picture respecting the need for space this woman has.

I resent this on behalf of my DS, my friends, our families, and even my ex. It is as if the world has turned upside down to calm down this woman's personal insecurities.

Sorry if I am blunt, but pull yourself together, if he is with you now is because he wants to, you are providing something his ex couldn't/didn't want to provide. He is with you now.

It is my impression that he is a very responsible father and looking at what he is doing for his other children you can rest assured that your child will get the same treatment.

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 16:24

if you see the thread the same as this posted elsewhere,i think you'll change your mind!!

he's not quite the responsible father,unfortuately.

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 16:24

However, I agree that as a token of respect to your relationship he should be staying overnight with his mum, not at her house.

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 16:26

sorry,its posted in relationships section!

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 16:26

I see... then, I retract from what I said (about being responsible)

Surfermum · 18/05/2009 16:29

But would you allow your children to meet or know about their new sibling MeMySonandI? Would you think it's acceptable that your ex isn't at the birth of his 3rd child? Read the other thread it's more enlightening!

Surfermum · 18/05/2009 16:39

Oh sorry, cross posts .

piscesmoon · 18/05/2009 16:45

I think he needs to sort out the access. 200 miles is too difficult every weekend. I think he needs them at your house and they need to be a big part of their life. You are getting shut out as if you (and the soon to be born baby)are extras. This new baby will be a half sibling. I would make it less often but have them at your house for part of the school holidays etc. If he goes down there insist on going with him and staying at his mother's. If you and the baby aren't allowed to have a relationship with his other children I would seriously consider whether you want to carry on the relaionship.

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 16:53

Ok, I have read the other thread now, and I still think that he is a responsible father, However, he should allocate for more time with IBTP particularly around the time the baby is born.

piscesmoon · 18/05/2009 16:55

I haven't read the other thread but he needs to get his two families together as one family and you need to have your own relationship with your step children.

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 17:03

And yes, I will allow, promote and do whatever for DS to bond with his father's new family (actually, I am considering volunteering to babysit ExH's girlfriend's son s as I can see DS so happy of having this new child in his life).

Having said that, it seems that IBTP's partner and his wife split relatively recently, and sometimes, as a parent you really don't know how to tell the children about your new life as you are afraid of upsetting them. It took us ages to let DS and exP's children know we were together, even when they seemed to be enjoying each other's company very much. You never know how they will react and sometimes it's easy to leave it for a better moment not aware that the perfect moment may never come. (you have to make it)

ONe question IBTP... have you met your DP's mum? Does his family knows of you and baby?

DarAmi · 18/05/2009 17:03

I am sorry but he SHOULD NOT be staying there,i also dont understand the calling when kids not available.
I am a stepparent and we get on very well with dh ex,i also trust him implicitly but still would feel very uncomfortable in your position.
I agree it is a difficult situation but as you say his dm stays near at hand.
Feel you need to speak about this properly.Maybe you should go see his dc too,after all they are going to be related to your dc.

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 20:08

Hi, Yes I have met his Mum, and his family and Exp all know about me & the baby. His Mum is very supportive, often texting to see how bump & I are getting on etc.

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 20:14

PS... MMSAI, you sound like the dream ExP...That's the sort of relationship i secretly dream of with DP's Ex...Mind if i swap ??

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ElenorRigby · 19/05/2009 12:02

Penguin's I am a step mum too and having read all your posts on this subject, I would simply not tolerate how your P is treating you.
He need's to stand up to his ex and involve you when he see's his kids.
He really should not be spending time with the kids in the ex's house. This alone would be confusing to the children. Do they actually know mum and dad are no longer together? IMO hee need's to pick the children up from the ex's and bring them to his mothers.
Do the children ever stay overnight at your P's mothers or does the ex not allow that?
IMO post separation boundary's need putting in place. The relationship is over and things have to change. Sure it's absolutely brilliant he is committed to his children but he need's have balance that with his committment and care of you and your baby.
Yes he need's to be on good terms with the ex but there has to line's drawn.
Would he and you consider moving to within a few miles of the ex? This would make a whole lot of sense to me. Indeed when I was about 20 weeks pregnant, DP and I moved into together to family friendly home within a mile of his ex.
One thing I read which is worrying is him actually saying he was scared to love your baby. Our DD was unplanned and DP has taken a long time to bond with her. She is now 21 months old and it's been a real struggle to hold everything together. Its really taken a toll on me. As I write I have just returned from the doctors who have put me back on anti depressants. Things are getting better now as DP has grown to love DD. He has even just started parenting classes off his on bat bless him. Things are getting better but it has been tough.
I think its emotional protection to detach from a future child once you have had the threat of having your children taken away. Maybe he cannot bear the thought of allowing himself to love this baby in case this one was taken away too.
Im afraid you have a very fine line to walk between nudging your DP into treating you and baby with care and respect whilst not pushing him too far.
I think a start would be for him to insist on having the children at his mothers. Once that becomes routine then you going with him and staying at his mothers. Things really need to change for this to work IMO.

mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Shalotta · 22/05/2009 16:25

Quoting MemysonandI : "I'm on the other side of the fence... ExH and I managed to split in a very friendly way,neither of us had any romantic feelings whatsoever by the time. No dramas, no violence, no jealousy. DS took it remarkably well. ExH and I managed a very good friendship for a long time (I used to joke I was his older sister)

Then comes into the scene this new woman, she is lovely, sensible, beautiful and has great style. But that is not enough to convince her she can trust DH, unaware of the long standing friendship, she decides exH's contact with me is unnacceptable... which means DS doesn't get to see us together with family or friends anymore (a treat he really seemed to enjoy), we can not meet with our groups of friends without being scared that the woman may be upset, friends are walking over eggshells and are feeling forced to choose between me and x which was a situation that had not presented before. DS has been very upset at it and his behaviour is now a disgrace. I have just moved out of the picture respecting the need for space this woman has."

For a moment I thought you were my BM and you were talking about me! But I can see now that this cannot be the case as I do not have sons of my own. This is exactly what the mother of my DSS would tell all the people and would even tell me!

However, in reality, her "no more romantic feelings on both sides" that she presented to the outer world wasn't exactly representative of the truth. Her constant boundary transgressions, intrusions into my couple and attempts of getting my DP and "her family" back then made me decide it was best for us to get involved as little as possible with this woman. She would say like you "it is my insecurities", and I'd say "it's her double standards and she is not to be trusted".

MemysonandI, by no means do I imply this is your case. You sound a really nice and responsible person, especially the fact that you can step back and give this woman space. And the fact that you can even describe her in a nice light (which my BM would be unable to do about me).

I guess the point I am trying to make is if something does not FEEL right to you and it upsets you, there is good reason to think it ISN'T right... personally, it would make me very uncomfortable to have my DP staying overnight at his exes place when she is there...so he should respect your feelings, no matter if they are justified or not. And his argument that he needs an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children is just absolute nonsense...getting on with the ex in a polite manner, yes. Having an emotional relationship?? No...