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Original poster

How are you supposed to feel?

12 replies

islandlassie · 15/05/2009 15:31

Hiya

i am 19 and my oldest step son is 10.
How am i supposed to feel about that?

I have a 7 month old son so know what you feel for your own child but this I dont know how to feel about.

I am under 9 years older than this boy and at first cared for him almost like i would my own son but then i started to think, 'hang on but when he turns 16, i will be 24' But at the same time he is my husbands son, the son of the man i care most about in the world and share everything with and this is his son, so i kinda cant help but love him.

or does that sound odd.

I really need to chat to other step mums about this because i dont know how to feel and i'm confusing myself.

The other thing is i am desperate not to make the boys own mum feel upset at any of this because i know how difficult this must be for her.

P.s yes i know it is a little odd to be married at 19 and a step mum (my husband is 29)

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fourkids · 15/05/2009 20:41

I can't really advise you on this. i just didn't want you to feel ignored
All I would say probably is do what you are doing. I also feel that I can't help loving DH's DC for exactly the same reason. Not everyone feels like that though...so maybe you are lucky and don't need advice at all

mummynumber2 · 15/05/2009 23:09

I think you it's possible to drive yourself mad worrying about whether what you're feeling and doing is the right thing in a situation like this(I know this from experience!). I think you really just have to go with how you feel and if you love and feel maternal towards your DSS that can only be a good thing for everyone.

The age gap between my DP and I is almost exactly the same as the age gap between DSD1 and I. And I must admit I found this all a bit overwhelming at first.

I think you should just take the relationship with yous DSS as it comes and relax about it.

I also think that while it's great that you're considerate of his mothers feelings I really wouldn't let that interfere with your relationship with your DSS.

mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/05/2009 10:46

Thank you all.

I've decided to just relax and see where everything goes and how it happens.

He MAY come to live with us and if this is the case i guess i will have to be who I am, younger than his dad and therefore can relate a bit more but still his dad's wife who he should have respect for.

I don't know what else to do apart from that. I cant really help how i feel. I'm sure our relationship will change appropriately as he gets older. Or at least i hope this is how it will happen.

How are you meant to feel about their actual mum?
I feel guilty in a sence because she is clearly trying to deal with all of this and has not said a word against me so far but i don't think if it was the other way around i could cope like she is and i feel guilty about that. If she was coming into my sons life i would be furious. I know it's not like I've stolen her man or anything as they were finished years ago but i feel like i am intruding in her sons life.

I'm sorry to witter on.

Thanks for your patience!

OP posts:
sunshine13 · 24/05/2009 21:32

I think you're right. Im sure time will probably answer a lot of your questions. I dont think you should feel like his mum... maybe a kind of role model though. 19 is young enough to be "cool" and know what you're talking about withing soundling like you're "over the hill" -

I do understand when you feel that you're intruding in her son's life. I can relate to that feeling. You're not trying to replace anyone here dont forget.

I think it's good that you're on here airing some of your views. It means that if he does come & live with you, you're mentally prepared on how you're going to deal with things..

I actually think that age is on your side here.. I would see it as a positive

Original poster
islandlassie · 24/05/2009 22:59

Thankyou sunshine, I have really been needing a bit of encouragement.

My emotions are still a bit all over the place from having my son. I just need to release a bit.

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Hassled · 24/05/2009 23:04

You sound lovely and your DSS's mum sounds like a nice woman as well - would it help to talk to her? Make it clear you don't want to step on any toes and only want the best for the DSS? Then you might relax a bit - you already seem to be doing everything right.

gigglinggoblin · 24/05/2009 23:08

I am not a step mum but my dh is step dad to my kids and they also have a step mum. I thought maybe my perspective might help?

From my dh I expect that he is nice to them, that he loves them and supports them and doesnt make them feel unwelcome in their own home or that he is pushing them away from me. He has chosen to be a dad to them and I expect that to continue, purely because it was his choice whether or not to do that and I dont want them messing around. He dopes ll that btw, itsnot an issue for us but we did have a serious talk before we decided to get togehter. I am always really pleased when they are sharing an interest or doing stuff together, I want them to like each other and be friends aswell as having the parent / child relationship

They do not like their step mum and dont get on with her. This I find very upsetting as they see her when they see their dad and I would much rather think they enjoyed being around her. I am not angry she is in their lives but I am angry she treats them with no respect.

If I were in your shoes I would just try to be a friend to him. He has a mum so doesnt need another but he will look to you as an adult and if you have chosen to take that role in his life you should continue with it. Just be friendly, make sure he knows he can trust you and you are not taking his dad away and I am sure every thing wil be fine. If I thought my kids step mum was even a bit worried about how they felt I would be very happy indeed. You sound like a very nice person

gigglinggoblin · 24/05/2009 23:09

Umm, he does all that, not he dopes all that. That could be very different

apologies for stupid laptop keyboard

Original poster
islandlassie · 25/05/2009 23:51

Thanks to you both as well.

Maybe I'm not telling everything though.

At the moment the boy lives in a childrens home. Both parnets have had issues and finally both are sorting their issues out. It is not an option for him to go to his mum unfortunatly (this i find totally heartbreaking because she clearly is trying and this is half the reason i am so scared of upsetting her)

So there is this extra element for me emotioninally in the fact that the boys situation is crazy to me. I grew up in a world were kids lived with mum and dad and didnt know much better til my teens. I have a totally different background to hubby and am proud of where he has got to now and am desperate that things not only work out for the boy but for him too as i know the loss he has had with his sons in the past has left a huge gap in his heart that needs mending and i cant bear to think what the child is going through waiting to find out if finally he can be with one of mum or dad.

Basically i'm so scared to get in the midddle of this or to step on every ones toes.

I'm sorry to off load but its kinda nice to share with strangers that have nothing to do with the whole situation that i can really be honest with.

OP posts:
gigglinggoblin · 26/05/2009 09:01

That does sound hard! It doesnt change anything I said though, just try to be a friend, be there for him and his dad and theres not much else you can do! I do think you are amazing for getting so involved and being so caring

Original poster
islandlassie · 27/05/2009 21:10

Thank you I'm trying my hardest!!:S

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