How do I tell her off now?

[Hawkmoth]

DSD aged 5 wrote a letter today just before going home: "Dear Mummy, Hawkmoth has been nasty to me this weekend". Of course we saw it and her dad got hold of it and all sorts of tears and tantrums. I'm waiting for him to come back from drop off

Anyway, I haven't been nasty. Thought we were doing well. Been to a dancing competition in the town centre, some sweeties, stories, playing games. Although, the manners of two DSDs and my DD have been terrible. Last night they all got their fruit taken off them for chewing with their moths open after being told countless times (they KNOW, they're just daft). Plus had to tell her off for scribbling on another one's picture... it's just mean but all normal stuff!

So both DP and I have, I think, handled this pretty badly. I'm cross, and worried about what exactly she tells her psycho mother when she goes home every week. This is a woman who will sever contact at any opportunity, and does, not "what's best for the children" but, "what the children want.". To DP "So when ARE they going to be old enough to get what they want", she seriously thinks that at 5 and 2 they have valid opinions and should be allowed to choose everything from their clothes and TV to food and whether they see their father or not.

DP went a bit overboard I think... told her that if her mum had seen the letter she would have stopped them ever coming here again (yes, this is probably true, but I really wouldn't have said it). Mind you, if she'd told us that her mum's new partner was horrible to the kids I don't know what we'd have done.

I'm hoping this is just a blip and down to the different styles of parenting. But part of me wonders how I will deal with any bad behaviour in the future. I can't afford it to be one rule for DSDs and one for DD, but it feels like I've already got my head on the chopping block. DSD is quite manipulative, realistically all little girls are, but her mother is so blind to it that I feel any telling off, witholding treats or time out will lead to escalating levels of hassle.

And on a selfish personal level, I'm about as cross as I'd be if my own DD wrote something like that to say, her grandma. She'd get a VERY stern lecture about lying, accepting being wrong etc... but with DSD that's just not my job.

What a bloody mess.

I think you have to be very laid back and don't even notice the letter.Once your DP has told her that if she showed her mother the letter she would stop her coming, the DSD can manipulate you.
I would run your house the way you want to, DSD gets treated the same as the rest. Tell her she isn't a visitor, she is part of the family. Perhaps keep your own diary of visits in case there is any comeback.

I found a scrap of paper in our house where my dsd had written "my dad married the wrong person - I hate her!" - I was deeply upset until I found another scrap of paper where she had written a list of her bes friends - I was top of her list! (her dad was further down and her mum was LAST) - children are so fickle!

The problem lies not in her behaviour- perfectly normal for her age, I'd say (and not just girls either!)- but in its possible repercussions given your situation.

I do know what it's like to be fearful of BM reactions but I do think you need to try not to over react (in front of DSD) as she will pick up this and it will give her far to much (confusing) power aged 5. I don't say this lightly cos I know how hard it is to do when you are angry/aggrieved/worried but next time something like this happens could you pick her up/tickle her/blow a raspberry on her tummy and say, "So I've been horribl have I?" and make her laugh and try to defuse ths situation this way? I know my SOH is often the first thing to go as a stepmum BUT I do know (in rare moments of sanity - mine live with us FT ) that humour is often 100% the best way to go...

spring blossom is very wise ... far more wise than me most of the time! I had to deal with a tantrum-after-strop-after-flounce-after-slam-after-sulk 8 yr old SD on Sunday (forced to come with me and her dad to a car boot sale on a lovely sunny morning with spending money in her pocket ... oh what a terrible life).

After pulling her up on really bad behaviour a few times, including disappearing and hiding from us on purpose TWICE at the car boot to get us worried, and a whole host of other naughtiness and bad back chat, the final straw came when she slapped her Dad hard when he told her to be good (she is old enough to know better and has been told about not hurting others many times...) and when I pulled up about it she turned round and without flinching, looked me and her Dad right in the eye, and accused ME of HITTING HER and REFUSED to back down about it and admit it wasn't true. At that point I had SOH failure BIG TIME and she got sent up to her room immediately and I had nothing else to do with her for the rest of the afternoon.

The worst thing is, we have a family court case next week (another long story), and if SD were to repeat this lie to her BM she would make NO END of stink and nastiness for us...