My DP just had a huge row with his ex on my doorstep when she came to pick up their 2dss

[lizaminelli]

I am feeling a bit shell shocked.

My DP has 2 sons 8&12, we have been together 6 years and they spend half their time and most school holidays here. We also have a DD who is 2.

I have a really positive relationship with the boys, to the extent I potty trained the youngest who calls me his second mum.

Dp and his ex have an argumentative relationship and he sometimes deliberately winds her up.

Today they argued about who would pick up/drop off and both claimed to have had a bank holiday drink. Eventually she backed down and arrived to pick them up (she lives 5 mins away)

A horrendous argument followed at the door involving a face punch from her, witnessed by the boys. I was attempting to distract DD at the tim in another room.

I just don't know what to do about this for all three kids.

I find it very shocking that both of the parents here are apparantly so selfish that they need to have an argument about who is picking up the kids because both of them rather prefer going to the pub... did they have any reasonable explanation for why they NEEDED to go to the pub? I can't really see any reason why anyone HAS to go to the pub.

It is wrong of the dp to provoke his ex - he should know by now that she takes these things very badly, so what's the use in doing it then... on the other hand there is no excuse for punching someone into the face. If she does that, she is not fit to be a mother in my opinion. Not trying to excuse the dp here. But it is one thing to be argumentative and another one to use physical violence.

If someone you have no relationship with punched you into your face, would you go and report this person to the police? Yes you would. Why would you not do that re your ex or any other relative? To protect the children?...

How exactly was he supposed to stop his ex driving over to the house? She was drunk, she hit him, and some of you think the OP should have delivered the children to her? Unbelieveable.

liza this incident needs reporting to the police just so it is logged officially. Assualt and possible drunk driving needs to be recorded even if you have no intention of proseuting her.
From your post the kids are with their dad most of the time, is that right?
Did the kids actually leave with thir mother or did they stay with you guys?

No excuse for her violence.

I'd be wary of getting dragged into their arguments about arrangements. You could easily end up piggy in the middle.

Can't they just recognise that they are cr*p at this and make all arrangements in advance. i.e. it would have already been arranged who was picking up/dropping off in advance?

You sound in a lousy position.

PS just reread my post and maybe I am overhopeful about their mutual organisational skills!

Do either of the parents realise that yesterday's display in front of their children was wrong?

Yes, OP, how is your DP behaving about it today? is he prepared to be more sensible and mature in future? (You see, if his XW is a violent horrible drunk, then that really puts the onus on him to behave like a sensible human being and put the DCs interests first - if he is sulking and blaming everything on her then TBH as Dittany says, he is probably a bit of a misogynist and sadly will turn on the OP at some point - no, I don;t mean he will start hitting you, Liza, more that you will 'disappoint' him in some way, he will move on to some more compliant woman and start badmouthing you to her).

I'm really flumoxed by this situation.

Quite frankly it seems like both mother and father are behaving ridiculously in this. Both are equally culpable and both need to sort this out for the long-term benefit of the children and everyone else concerned.

1. Mum was completely wrong to resort to physical violence no matter how provoked - this matter should be at least reported to the police so it is logged. If the sexes were reversed then I'm sure all the people on this forum would be baying for blood? There is no need to go for a prosecution, but it should be logged.

1. Communication. This is completely lacking in this situation. Dad likes to wind up the ex a bit? Grow up man! The ex probably would love to do the same too and will muck around with parenting arrangements and I'm sure she is capable of winding up ypur partner too.

The DP and the ex need to have clear lines of communication about child arrangements.

Is there a defined routine in place? There needs to be a defined routine for bank holidays/holidays and an agreement that arrangements can be made at least 7 days (say) in advance and any short-term changes CANNOT be accommodated unless by prior agreement with sufficient notice.

Then everyone knows where they stand and there isn't too much scope for misunderstandings and stupid situations like this to occur. For gods sake how will the children learn by example to see their parents behaving like this? They will also learn to play the pair of you against each other.

liza are you ok?

Thanks for the input.

Believe me words have been said this end. The boys have gone away with their mother for a few days (prearranged).

They sneaked away a phone to talk to DP and say they are but we will have a good chat when they get back.

For clarity... when did the boys leave with their mother?

Your DP and his EX should think about their children ffs. What do they think all this arguing,fighting and anomosity is doing to them. They should both grow up!!!

What dreadful parents.

Poor kids.