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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Impossible situation

11 replies

Alannah · 23/04/2005 15:11

Hi there,
This is my first post. I am really frustrated with a situation and need to talk to people who may actually understand.

I live with my partner and our 14 month old daughter and his 16 year old son. I get on really well with his son, he's great with the baby and a very nice young fellow all round.

The problem is is that the other day I overheard him on the phone talking to one of his friends planning to go to a party in a girls house (we knew about this and he was allowed to go)but I heard him say that her parents weren't going to be there and that he was going to stay the night.

I quickly interjected that there was no way he was going to be allowed stay over if her parents weren't there. I presumed that my partner would back me up on this. He didn't, he let him stay in the girls house.

I feel that this was essentially a wrong decision for obvious reasons. I now feel foolish for making a stand and feel marginalised and that my opinion was just ignored. I do a lot for my step son, particularly as his mother has rejected him and I'm angry with his dad because I feel that it's ok for me to cook and clean up after him but when it comes to a decision like the one above, I'm ignored.
Can somebody here please advise me how to handle this situation?

OP posts:
colditz · 23/04/2005 15:15

To vbe honest, he is old enough to get married, and if he doesn't want to do what you want, there is nothing you can do about it. Sorry

fuzzywuzzy · 23/04/2005 15:28

I think you should sit down and discuss this with your dh. It sounds to me like you are more upset that your authority was undermined infront of your Dss.
Perhaps you and dh need to sort out what boundaries you need to set for your Dss, and also to make it clear that should one of you make a decision the other should not undermine you in front of the children. In private is OK, in public you need to show a united front...

LooptheLoop · 23/04/2005 16:30

I agree with fuzzywuzzy. The key is presenting a united front and not feeling undermined by your partner. Did your partner realised that you had already said no? If he did, perhaps you can sit down with him and explain how it made you feel.

Its a difficult area for stepparents. But basically if you're sharing a house with the children and helping look after them, it only seems fair that you contribute towards discipline IMHO. Otherwise it's all give and no take. Good luck. I can understand why you're upset.

Caligula · 23/04/2005 16:48

Difficult one. As Colditz says, he's old enough to get married, but I think this is not so much about whether he should have stayed, it's about your DH not backing you up.

You can't do parenting effectively if everything you're telling your children is undermined by someone else just as important to them, with just as much authority over them, tells them something different. That's a basic of effective parenting, imo.

chipmonkey · 23/04/2005 17:12

He's not old enough to get married without parental permission though! Your dh should have backed you up. You are in effect this boy's mother in that you look after him full time and do all the mum stuff for him. You need to sit down with your dh and explain all this to him.

Original poster
Alannah · 24/04/2005 00:25

Thanks everyone for all the responses. I think you are right Caligula, it was about not being backed up, I did talk to my partner and I think he did understand to a certain extent. The problem is between us and not me and my stepson, he's just being a normal teenager.

I do sometimes feel like it is all give and no take as loop the loop said, in future I will think before I speak because even though I still feel my instinct was right I really don't want to be in this position in the future. Lets just put it this way, if he was my son he would not be allowed stay overnight in a girls house at a party when her parents aren't there!
Thanks for the support, it certainly does help to let off steam,

OP posts:
tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 00:31

Alannah, I too agree with Cali, I know how you feel, My DP has 3 children, but DP would ever undermine anything I had said even if he didn't agree with it, but he would wait & discuss it with me when the kids wern't around, I'd tell him how you feel & See what sort of response you get, then perhaps try and discuss how you would prefer certain things to be, maybe let this go as long as he doesn't bring girls into your home or anything like that, & just make sure he isn't afraid to talk to you about things & that what he is doing he is doing safely, thats the main thing.

workingmumnhs · 07/05/2005 23:40

Something similar happened to me. I recently found out my eleven year old step daughter has been snogging in the park. Her mother doesn't seem to care. In fact she thinks it is funny. When I was eleven I was still playing with dolls.
I can't say anything to her dad or he'll hit the roof. We are united in our values but my step daughter lives with her mum so how can I undermine her. I don't want her to be pregnant at sixteen. (No offence to any young mums. She jsut wouldn't be able to handle it) Am I panicking over nothing.

jampots · 07/05/2005 23:47

i think you need to discuss this with your dh workingmum - you shouldnt shoulder this alone

Original poster
Alannah · 10/05/2005 17:34

I agree with jampots, maybe it would be good for your dh to hit the roof. In my opinion kids need parameters and if her mum doesn't see it as a problem, it might be good for her to know that her dad doesn't approve, after all if she was living with him, he would probably know.

In another similar situation my 13yr old sd was partaking of an organised fist fight in a park (yes really), and she really hurt another girl. And get this, her mother (who isn't entirely trailer trash) thought it was funny! When my dp tried to call her to ask her about it she avoided his calls for ages. Eventually he just left her a message to tell her how dissapointed he was in her, that she would purposely hurt someone etc. I thought this was really important because, if her mum thought her behaviour was acceptable how is she to learn otherwise. God, they (kids) just go on and on surprising you don't they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alannah · 10/05/2005 17:36

Oh and by the way, relating to my first post, he stayed in the girls house but had to share a bed with another boy and there wasn't enough bed clothes so he was cold, serves him right

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