Ex wife of my dp makes me feel really uncomfortable....

[Shalotta]

Just swept over from "relationship" to here, so some of you will know me already.

When I first met the ex of my dp - it had to be, as they have a little boy together - my first gut reaction was "oh oh, this woman is trouble" and I was quite upset, to be honest, as my intuitions normally never let me down.

She pretty much obviously hated me when she saw me and did some quite strange things to me in the past, like bullying me on the phone, trying to provoke my jelaousy, etc. I also caught her with my own eyes trying to get my dp back behind my back... (who is absolutely not sensitive to her charms any longer...). I guess you could say she is a bit of an unstable person or a crazy maker...

I was very upset about this woman for a longtime, especially as she is quite manipulative and controling and uses her power over/through the child to get what she wants (although it doesn't work very well for her, as my dp knows her ways too well and is no longer manipulable). Things recently have calmed down a bit - I guess she has given up on her fantasy to win back my dp - and she now even tries to befriend me, but I feel still as uneasy with her as before...I do not want to be friends with her and I cannot help thinking her friendliness is a manipulation tool.

I don't have a lot of contact with her but still I feel drained or even kind of "vampirised" by this woman... and the little one brings home her bad vibes. I also feel controlled by this woman, as I normally would tell someone like her to take the highway, but in her case I can't as she is the mother of my dss. Sometimes I felt downright depressed that I have to put up with such a person for the - maybe - rest of my life... and I thought if I should not see a counsellor... but then I was thinking, hell, she has got the issues, not me...

Thing is she has now recently started to manipulate the little one against me. She makes him feel uncomfortable to be with me. I had a great relationship with him before, now it is contstantly " I want my Mamma and not you" and worse. My guess is as she cannot reproach me anything as a stepmother, she tries to convey me "you think you are the perfect stepmother, here you go - he'll nevertheless HATES you"... obviously this kind of attitude is quite sick.

Getting a bit worried now, b/c I feel I have not deserved that. It puts a strain on my relationship with dp and dss of course... and I am really fond of dss but sometimes think there is a danger here of me "investing" too much into him, as his mother might win and turn him away from me... although I deep down want to believe that one day it will backfire badly on her.

Would appreciate any kind advice.

Hi again,

I just wanted to say that in my experience what you describe is not at all uncommon unfortunately. Therefore I think you may well find lots of support here.

That said, you may also find a number of people who believe that first wives are somehow perfect and can do no wrong...that second wives should bow down and take their place as also second best, accepting that the first wife has a right to make moves on their DH, constantly call him to fix the washing machine, cry on his shoulder, demand ever larger sums of money, etc etc (although I hope not)

For my part, i think this is a very sensitive subject and that seeking advice/someone to talk to is really sensible, and that this is a great place to do that because it can be difficult to discuss these difficulties in rl.

And I say invest all the time you dare in him - because no matter what happens now, one day he will know whatever is the truth and will respect you for it. and maybe love you for it. I'm not saying it'll necessarily be easy, and you don't have to like her - it sounds like she has demonstrated that she is not a nice person - but you do have to accept that she'll be around in some form for the rest of your life. I'd say be glad that your DH sees her for what she is and that you have his support and loyalty

Hi Shalotta - Sounds to me like you have put up wiv a lot, and well done for staying sane!!
Have also had massive probs with my DH ex, to the point that she actually assaulted me when I was pg with my DS. Quite deliberate punch in tummy, so very upsetting at time. I try hard to remember that this is not my fault, whoever DH ended up with she would not have got on with them. My DH and I have been together for 6 yrs now, things have got better, I try to avoid any contact with he at all.
She has tried very hard to turn DSS's against me. I do find it very hard when they say things like 'we would be living with our daddy if it wasnt for you'.(This, despite ex being remarried and with 2 further kids of her own . They are now coming up for 8 & 9, and seem to have come to the conclusion that I am not so bad after all.(In fact eldest DSS made me cup of tea in bed on morning of mothers day,and both made me Happy Stepmums Day cards). However, they also told me that they would not be telling their mum they had done this as she would 'go mad'.Before any 1st wives jump on me, ex was offered kids back on Saturday of Mothers Day w'end but instead asked for them to go back later as she was going out 'for a family meal', with new hubby and her younger 2 kids.
Dont get me wrong,I'm sure my life would have been easier if I'd married DH and he not had baggage, but I would not be without my DSS's now.Hang in there, invest yourself in your DSS if you can, I think kids are pretty good judges of character for themselves in the end.The bigger he gets the more he will chat to friends and come to the conclusion that perhaps his is not the 'wicked stepmother' his mum would have him believe. Good luck x

Sorry, should have put some more spaces in this waffle, will blame my pg hormones!

luckily my dp gets also better with setting boundaries.... before we moved in together she used to regularly come to my dp's place to get clothes for her child or even to come and spend time with her child (back then -believe it - she lived in a flatshare where she could not have her child, so the boy lived fulltime with his father!). Obviously the little one was quite confused and thought his mommy still lived with his daddy.

Everytime she came to the flat she turned it upside down, leaving without tidying up, stealing things (well, in her eyes I guess taking things she thought "belonged" to her without alerting my dp), here it comes - washing and drying her knickers in my dp's flat!, leaving her jewellery everywhere (knowing of course that I'd come to the flat and see it) and putting her picture up on the wall for everyone.... when I finally spoke up and said I find her attitude inconsiderate and if she could be so kind to stop it, she was telling everyone I am jealous of her....

I think this woman is mad, but not mad enough for social sevices to take the child away from her. Like most of these people she "functions" and she is very good in making other people believe what a responsible and considerate mother she is. It is only if you start to know her better that you realise that she has a couple of lose screws in her head.

So keeping my own sanity has not always been very easy... I do realise that I have to keep my distance from her. But it has been a struggle along the way, especially with her crossing boundaries all the time (e.g. calling on Saturday morning 8 am telling us she had "forgotten" she needed to go to work and we need to pick up the little one RIGHT NOW... and then you have to stay calm for the sake of the little one...). It makes you want to scream out loud and feel so powerless.

I know, seen from a distance, her behaviour seems almost hilarious and it is astonishing to what length this woman was prepared to go and make a fool out of herself... but for me it wasn't funny and I don't think for her child it is very funny either... ;(

Shalotta it is clear that this woman is really needling you atm. Believe me I do understand, DP's ex has and does do my head in with how she treats DP and DSD sometimes.
I have and will continue to try to put emotional distance from what she does.
She does not have my mobile phone number. I do not speak to her on the phone. I do not do favours for her. DP deals with her.
I suggest you stop communicating with your DP's ex, let your DP deal with her.
Your DP needs to put her in her place too and stop all inappropriate boundary crossing behaviours like coming into your house. My DP's ex is not allowed in our house. Does not have favours done for her by DP. Does not have lifts from us etc etc.
Your DP's ex should not be allowed to blur those boundaries by either you or your DP.
With your DSS hold the moral high ground, empathise with him if he wants to see his mum, never bad mouth her in front of him.
It will be a long hard slog forsure but listening to some stepmums her like Surfermum, sometimes in the long run it does get better.

ElenorRigby I know, I know... the question is where are the boundaries, as everyone has different boundaries. Me, for instance, I am a very private person, my DP is not - he is very extraverted and relaxed about arrangements. Hence for the moment I spend a lot of time with him defining what the boundaries for us as a couple are. He accepts them when I tell him that for me this and that is the crossing of a line and then acts accordingly, but he does not have this "in-built" set of boundaries like I have them.... and she still takes advantage of it. Although I think we came a long way since we first dated.

The latest discussion was yesterday explaining my DP that it is NOT ok if she calls on a Sunday morning for something irrelevant that could have waited until Monday. She was obviously bored and wanted to bother someone....

She has my mobile though and I find it a bit tricky now to pull back on that. Although I did not give it deliberately to her... my DP used it once to call her b/c he was out of credit on his mobile and she straight away jumped on it... and used it to call me when DP is abroad....

Latest news is that DP has to go abroad for business for a few days and she refuses to talk to her employer to find an arrangement for her child. She made it very clear she would not re-arrange her working schedule and suggested that the little one should stay with me during these days... so yet another polemic. And although I don't have a problem with looking after DSS - as this will only help us to bond - it cannot be right that she dumps her child onto me, can it? DP told her that this is not a very responsible attitude towards her child, but if she doesn't move, what are we supposed to do... shall we send the little one to Social Services during this period....

As you say, it can only get better in time....

mrsjammi

my dp will need to go on business travel for a few days. He needs to do that every now and then. Every two months or so he needs to go abroad for 2 or 3 days in a row... she stays.... but says she does not want to re-arrange her working schedule to take the little one while dp is away. They have a one week father - one week mother custody arrangement and this time my dp's business travel falls into the week the little one is with us.

I don't know what to think about that. Is she right to maintain that - as dp's absence falls into week he has custody - that it is HIS problem to find a child carer. Or isn't it a way of dumping her responsibilities on to someone else... the one week rota has not been established by a lawyer, it is based on a voluntary agreement between the parents.

I'm not a step-parent but have been a step-child and my god - hats off to any step-parents out there - its such a hard job.

I guess it is really up to DP to sort out child care cover if its 'his week' but of course in reality you'd think the mother would be a bit flexible.

If i were you and its practical (not sure of age of child or if you work) - then i'd offer to care for the child. As you say it'll help your relationship.

Also as the others say - just keep as much distance from her as possible.

Children are generally pretty bright and DSS will pick up on what his mothers up to. Also if she doesn't get a reaction from you - she's more likely to stop with the games.

Good luck!

also, sorry to continue waffling... it is a bit gross from her, isn't it, being rigid about her schedules, after we (I )having accepted her calling on Saturday 8am telling us she "forgot" to go to work and needing a child carer asap...and I went there and took the little one. OK, it was not a working day... and I did not have to call my employer.

Gut feeling says oh, you expect us to be flexible but you do not want to be flexible when we need your help... bad bad bad...but how childish would it be to retaliate with the same means? And what about the little one here - dp does not want him to feel like an object that is passed on from one parent to the other nobody wanting to make a sacrifice for him....

traceybath

my gut feeling is it is best to get as independent from her as possible... so even if she could care a bit more about her child, we actually prefer not to involve her at all if possible...

Last time when dp went on travel, I just took the little one - but from now on it seems I'll just do the co - parenting when it is needed. We mainly offered her the chance to take the little one as she was so concerned about my relationship with him... but when it doesn't fit her schedule, these concerns then seem to vanish suddenly. Good to know! ;)

I do work, yes, but have a more flexible working schedule... little one just has started school.

Sorry don't have any experience here, but my advice is to not get involved in any of her games and offer to look after your DSS while your DH is away.

Plan a really nice week for the two of you and tell your DSS how much you are looking forward to spending the week just the two of you (which you are)which will hopefully get back to her.

Shalotta if you give in and look after DSS she will see you as a source of ad hoc childcare forever.
I strongly recommend you draw a line right there.

ElenorRigby, I hear what you are saying. Will talk about it with dp.

I only think that not long ago we had this shocking incident when she called saying she was very worried about her child not wanting to come and see his father any longer b/c of DSS hating me...

Now she is suggesting I take him into care... so he really must hate me, doesnt' he, if she suggests that. I'd prefer to be "taken advantage of" as child carer than being the target of false and hurtful allegations...

Hi there.
If your partner's ex wants to call upon you as a 3rd parent to her son, she needs to treat you accordingly. Just my opinion! ...

Also, just because you're partner has a child doesn't mean you're automatically another parent to their child, unless this is what everyone's happy with (which they don't seem to agree on). You've no Parental Responsibility (PR), no legal rights, you can't make any decisions on any key aspect of his life (health, school, etc). In your case, you've also been told your stepson doesn't want to stay with you some of the time, and you've been told he hates you, etc.

My suggestion is until these big kids (the parents)can decide and accept what your position is in their son's life (ad-hoc childminder, parent, supportive parent, etc.) and support you in that role, make it clear to their son, and so on, then I'd stay out of any arrangements. When you know what your partner and his ex think your position in their son's life is, and you agree and accept it, then you can focus on that role. Ad-hoc childminder for the your partner and his ex's convenience is what you seem to be right now though, and then at other times you're pushed aside. I'd get that sorted (if you can!). Just make it clear to the parents that if they want to treat you as a parent to their child it can't just be when it's convenient for them (mainly referring to your partner's ex here!).

About your partner's ex's poor behaviour towards you - just ignore it and in time it'll go away. Good luck with things.

DP is really a responsible father. He would prefer me to stay with DSS instead of her. However, he respects the fact that I should not be in charge of DSS as I am not the parent here... that's why he asked her to take care of her child when he is away.

Of course the woman's attitude towards me is totally illogical, not much we can do about it I think. I intuition tells me I should take DSS. The more time he spends with me and feels good about being with me, the lesser her chances to f* with his mind.

But I agree, if I take him this time, that means that from now on in future I will be the supportive parent when DP is away and she won't be informed any longer if DSS is alone with me.

Just to add, ime setting rigid boundaries is also the best way forward. And your DP needs to agree to put his foot down every time the boundaries are crossed - that is only loyal and respectful to you - even if it causes short term upset. Hopefully in time his ex will get the message, and when she does she may well start to behave better towards you, and hopefully DSC. At this stage you can kindle or rekindle a less strict regime, where she is not taking the p out of you/being allowed to take the p out of you.

In reality, she as well as the two of you and DSC, will probably be happier then

I need to add that also ime ignoring it may well not make it go away...this behaviour may well continue for as long as it is allowed to, possibly for years (or forever!). Sometimes it does have to be dealt with.

The question about where are the boundaries is very straightforward - the answer is wherever you and DP decide they are! And your situation where he does not see the manipulation is very common - as long as he is open to having it pointed out he will get better and better at it (possibly the crosser he gets at being treated like a mug!!).

Finally...keep your chin up. It does NOT sound hilarious, it sounds hellish to anyone who has been in or around such a situation. Focus on your relationship, not on her - she is irrelevent. She is DSC's mother, but nothing to you or DP except someone who has to be around on the fringe of things

I'm a dad and have shared residence of my daughter. My ex-wife sounds exactly the same as the OP, although not as bad IFYSWIM.

As others have said there need to be clear boundaries and the OP would be advised to keep in the background. The ex knows how your partner works and it sounds to me like he is being a bit lazy to be frank and needs to be pro-active about setting these boundaries. By your partner letting you do things he is not only causing stress in your relationship but he is abrogating his responsibility as the child's father.

Dad needs to sort out arrangements or come to some sort of agreement with the ex or you.
If the ex is not going to be flexible on anything then you need to put a line in the sand and say no more (my ex is like this - co-operation is a 1 way street and after me doing numerous favours which were never returned I don't do it now as it's just taken advantage of).

So if the ex phones up at the last minute with childcare demands - then that's HER responsibility and you and the partner need to agree on this and stick to it.

If your partner is away due to work commitments when the child is with you guys then HE needs to sort something out - either get it agreed with you in advance that you will help out / negotiate with the ex / sort out childminder.

I think also to keep you out of the firing line of the ex it's better to stay in the background. This is not admitting defeat, far from it - people like this don't change, this is the agreement I have with my partner, my ex is my ex and I wouldn't expect her to deal with the ex. I don't let my ex make unreasonable demands (although I was guilty of going along with them in the past, but no more after the favours were not returned). I am responsible for my daughter - my partner helps out and that I am eternally grateful, but I won't put her in the position of being responsible, because it's not fair to put her in that position and also why give the ex more sticks to try and beat you with. It looks like she can't break you guys up so she's going to try and work on the child, all you can do is provide a warm loving and welcoming environment for the child, they aren't stupid and in time they will observe the contradictions between what they are told by mum and what they experience.

Shalotta, when I was trying week-on, week-off shared care with my ex, the way I tried to work it with her was that responsibility for child care rested with the parent that the child was supposed to be with that week. Additionally, the other parent was to be offered first refusal albeit with no expectation that they would necessarily say "yes".

So if I needed to go away during a week when I had the kids, I'd ask my ex first to see if she could cover but if she couldn't (or wouldn't), it'd be down to me to either find alternative cover or to tell my boss I couldn't go.

You're right in saying that you don't have Parental Rsponsibility for your stepchild but, then, neither does a childminder or holiday club. It's not an insurmountable issue. Nevertheless, if you're not comfortable looking after stepson for that time, don't do it.