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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step Daughter Troubles

14 replies

djsmummy · 21/04/2005 10:49

Hello

I am new to mumsnet but I hope someone can offer me some advice.

I have a 16 year old step daughter who after 8 years has decided that she doesn't like me anymore. She is friends with my best friends sister and has been telling people we have never got on, which of course is news to me. She doesn't live with us and seems to have got worse since her baby brother arrived last May. At the moment she is demanding to have time with her Dad alone and is trying to get him to choose between us. He has been very supportive towards me and is just as upset and confused as me.

He has asked her to come round tonight to try and get things sorted and I have said I still want an apology for the things she has been saying which apart from hating me are that I make her sick and she wants her mum to beat me up!!!

Her reason for saying these things are that I have caught her out recently on a few different things she has done wrong and have told her Dad.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

tarantula · 21/04/2005 11:40

Hi djsmummy and welcome to Mumsnets. Not sure what advise to offer really. Im also a stepmum and have a dd of 15 mnths. I think your sd may be having problems with the arrival of your ds. I know that my dss was quite jealous of dd and it caused quite a few problems with him not wanting to come over and getting angry with his dad and me nad also caused problems at home with his mum. He was old enough (13) not to take it out on dd as a younger child might. We all recogniced this and did our best to help him adjust but luckily hes much younger than your sdwhich made things easier. 16 is a very tricky age and I think your sd is reverting back to being a child here by saying that she hates you etc. I think what she may be trying to say is 'I feel really jealous cos there is a new baby who si taking up my dads time and its not fair' but she doesnt want to come out and say that.

HTH

Caligula · 21/04/2005 11:50

Sounds very much like a case of jealousy and insecurity that her Dad will now love new baby and not her anymore.

Can't offer any advice as I don't have a teenager yet (thank God! ) except that insisting on an apology may set up a stand-off situation where one of you has to back down and lose face, so I'd avoid that scenario if possible.

squirrel3 · 21/04/2005 11:58

DAjsmummy, I feel for you, teenagers are so difficult.

Being a step mum is very hard and you have done it for 8 years and to have her 'turn' on you must hurt so much.

It does sound (in my opinion) that it is teenage problems coupled with a bit of sibling rivalry. I don't think it would be much different if you were her 'natural mother'.

My daughter hated me when she was a teenager, but now she has grown up we are really close again and she has apologised again and again for her behaviour. Told her not to worry, it was all part of growing up (although it was hell at the time!!)

I haven't really got any advice but I do think that she should have some time alone with her Dad, she maybe feeling a little threatened that her baby brother is going to 'take her Dads affections away from her'. Even if she loves her little brother to bits she still may feel jealous.

I know and you know that her feelings may be unreasonable, but who said teenage girls were reasonable, exactly the opposite in my experience.

She does owe you an apology though, and I hope that the talk goes well for all of you. {hug}

Stay on here and I am sure that someone will come along with some really good advice, they usually do, they are a great bunch.

Original poster

djsmummy · 21/04/2005 12:04

Thanks for your replys

I don't think I will get an apology so I suppose I will have to back down and hope she realises when she gets older the problems she has caused

OP posts:

squirrel3 · 21/04/2005 12:09

Oh yes, hang on to the fact that they DO grow up eventually...

squirrel3 · 22/04/2005 04:02

Hello Djsmummy, I hope everything went well. Its hard enough being a step-mum with out having to deal with an unreasonable teenager.

You know you can always post on here for support and who knows maybe some good advice, you may also want to try the teenagers section there are loads of mums (step or otherwise) that are dealing with stroppy teenage girls that may have good advice for you.

LooptheLoop · 23/04/2005 19:47

What a combination - sibling jealousy, teenage hormones and a stepparent-daughter relationship! Blimey I'd go and pour yourself a strong G&T now . Seriously I can understand that you'd be gutted and angry. The only thing I can add is that you often lash at those you love. So maybe she's using you as the easy target but doesn't really mean it. Or its as you suggest - you've caught her out and she's being petty. Teenagers - who'd have them. Most bio parents don't want them for most of the time, so what chance do we have! Whatever the reason, hope it isn't still hurting you. xxx

Surfermum · 24/04/2005 20:04

Hi Djsmummy. It sounds to me like she's jealous of her little brother. I had exactly the same thing with my step-d. We get on really well and always have done. She got jealous not long afer dd was born, as much as we tried to make sure things didn't change for her. She started telling her mum and dh that she didn't like me. It just didn't make sense as that wasn't the impression that I or anyone else got. More recently she has started to say that dh pays dd more attention than her, so we just make sure that when she's with us she gets equal attention and that both dh and I each spend some one to one time with her. It must be hard for her because she's one of 4 at home (none of the others are dh's) and she was used to having us both all to herself until dd arrived.

wendihouse22 · 02/12/2010 16:59

She's a teenager, her position of "baby of the family" in her dad's eyes, has been usurped and you have become the whipping post.

I disagree on the apology front. It sends our the wrong message...... She does need to learn that her behaviour is not acceptable and moreover is unkind. If she cannot apologise for this it's setting a precedent....ie. be as cruel as you like; you don't have to take responsibility for hurting others; everything will just blow-over. She is not a child, she's a teen, yes but on the way to being a young adult. Be firm.

notremotelyintofootie · 02/12/2010 19:05

Wow a five year old thread resurrected!

scurryfunge · 02/12/2010 19:07

And the child is now 21 -fantastic.

prettyfly1 · 02/12/2010 21:22

I was just about to reply to this - wow how did that happen

notremotelyintofootie · 02/12/2010 21:57

It would be good to get an update!!

wendihouse22 · 14/12/2010 21:06

Ah....I kicked this off again. Didn't look at the date!!

Would love to know how it all worked out, though!

Anyone know?

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