my daughter doesn't get on with her step mum

[scattysarah]

My ex remarried a few years ago and his new wife for some reason made my life utter hell for a long time - I genuinely don't know why. I found out last week that my 12 year old doesn't get on at all with her, am totally gobsmacked as she's kept this to herself for a long time. It explains many issues we've had which I've been blaming myself for. She says step mum has given up trying now. I'm being careful what I say though have said she was a difficult woman towards me as I don't want child blaming herself, which is how they've made her feel. She's the sweetest child but not over confident and everyone loves her so I know it's the woman making things difficult. She has 4 children plus they have one togther so mine always feels an outsider there. My ex and I are civil with each other but he won't like this being brought up at all and has blamed daughter over years for being difficult etc (totally out of character). I've always encouraged her to see her dad but I;m now torn as I know she's not happy when his wife is around. He messes daughter around alot on excuse of work but I know its not only that. I've told him we need to talk but he doesn;t know why yet. Help!

How upsetting for you to hear this. What sort of issues have you been having with her? What sort of things has she said about her stepmum or being at her Dads up until now?

I think I'm reserving judgement at the moment purely based on my own experience of this. I have a fabulous step-daughter and we get on brilliantly. But we do argue just like any mother and daughter would I suppose (except we're not, obviously). There was one occasion in particular when I had told her off for something and she went home and told her mum I had hit her, and that she had never liked me.

It simply wasn't true and just wasn't a true reflection of our relationship whatsoever. Looking back, it was just her way of being angry with me and I think a reaction to dd's arrival, who was a few months' old at the time. She also knew at that time that her mum hated me and would love to hear that.

I only ask the questions I have because if this is out of the blue and you've never had any inkling of this before, is it possible there has just been a very normal falling out?

But good on you for asking to talk to her Dad and get it sorted. I think as it involves her stepmum as well it's important that she is involved as well.

There have been comments over the years, mainly earlier on, which my daughter would innocently repeat to me, not realising how selfish or thoughtless they were. She used to say she didn't understand stepmum's humour but I haven't had any comments for a couple of years I guess. Dad started taking her out, rather than to the house, some time ago, which I thought was great as it gives them real quality time together - little did I know! He has her every other weekend but regularly cancels or changes, totally disregarding any plans I have. He seems to be avoiding dealing with this and I suspect he's aware that his wife is the issue.

We had children at same school for a long time and it was hell - she's a big gossip and didn't go to work and the playground atmosphere was awful. She refused to talk or even look at me and lied to my ex about things I'd said and done. He even rang me to say she was complaining I was copying her clothes!! I couldn't win, he blamed me for it all. He even bulled me into sending my other child to a different school and refused to let our child sit private school exams as ex's children were at the school already, which he then told my daughter! I see her occasionally and she is able to be civil now but I don't want her in on any talks, at the moment anyway.

I'm dreading the conversation but can't leave a child to suffer like this.

So does she actually stay over when she goes to their house? How much is she there? How much time is she with her stepmum on her own or with all of the family?

How about, if she used to go to their house once a week, now her Dad sees her on her own once a fortnight? It is on paper seeing less of him but she'd have him to herself and wouldn't feel like the outsider, which must be horrible.

Over the years he's reduced it down to her going on a Saturday morning and back Sunday evening. Originally it was once during the week and also the Friday night. New wife has him running all over for her children and he can't fit any more in - they definitely come first. Have had hundreds of occasions where he says she can't stay over as there isn't enough room, no wonder she feels like an outsider. (4/5 bed house!) He used to say he wanted her to feel part of the family but that stopped a long time back. She has no clothes there any more, no toiletries, etc.

She goes on hols every year with them, but got very upset before going last year as she was hardly used to seeing them all. Once she was away I had some terribly sad texts from her missing home and feeling ill. Really difficult.

How do I make ex see that it's him who's going to miss out too if he doesnt sort this?

Scatty, I'm a step-daughter.

He cannot be allowed to mess with arrangements from this point forward.

As of now, his days with his daughter are fixed in stone and if he doesn't like it, you'll be saying "No" when he starts faffing around, offering alternative dates - end of.

It's vital that you take control of this now. At the moment, he and his wife are holding all the cards and pulling all the strings. He's jerking you and your daughter around.

His wife MUST fall into line as well. For your daughter's sake, continuity and thus, her feelings of security within her relationship with her father, are paramount.

Please listen to me - it doesn't happen offten on here but on this subject, I do know my stuff.

If your DD is secure in her relationship with her Dad, she'll handle the step-mother rubbish with confidence. As it is at the moment, her confidence is naturally low and being beaten further in to the ground because her Dad appears not to have any regard or respect for her special time with her. That's the crux to this one.

oh sorry, that has been tried.

I suppose because I resent the woman so much, I want to make her deal with this and also if daughter stops going there, she won't see her brother. She gets on well with the children and they are nice kids - its the mum! Have thought about talking to ex MIL but not sure how she'd take it - she's more similar to the new wife than to me.

Yep, you're right Doodle2you. He's always been in control of when he sees her. But if I refuse to have her on his weekends, he doesn't budge and that leaves daughter with no where to go and feeling unwanted by everyone which I wont do. I've argued for years over this with him but it makes no difference. Don;t worry I'm not letting this go away now I know what's up though.

It's not a bad idea, taking her to the xmil. It doesn't really MATTER what the xmil thinks of the situation, what her take on it all is.

If meeting up at her house is easier for your daughter then that's the only bit that matters. Let your xmil think whatever she wants to think!

Oh, Ok - this doesn't sound anything like my situation or the sort of relationship I or dh have with my dsd. She is very much part of our family and we have pushed and pushed to increase the amount of time she is with us, not the other way round.

I have to say though, I think the whole situation sounds a mess. And as much as the stepmum may have had a say and a sway in things, your ex is the one to blame her for allowing it to happen. I think it would be wrong to purely point the finger at his wife as being in the wrong.

Maybe your dd feels really disloyal to her Dad if she criticises him, so all her feelings are coming out and aimed at the stepmum, who she perceives as the one to be at "fault". I'm not defending the stepmum by any means, she shoudn't be allowing this to happen either - and I certainly wouldn't be with dh and have had a child with him if this were how he had treated dsd.

You are quite right to raise this with him, but make sure that you stick to facts and how your dd is feeling, rather than using it as a rant about his wife. If you get personal about her then you might miss the chance to get through to him exactly how this is affecting your dd because he will get defensive.

Does he pay regular child support SS?

sorry you and DD are going through this

Does he pay regular child support SS?

sorry you and DD are going through this

Yes, you're completely right. If I rant on about her he'll shut down, I learnt that a long time ago. And yes, dd definitely feels disloyal if she criticises him, she adores him. Maybe that's the issue with the wife? I've always felt she wants to play happy families and not include dd. 2 of her own children refuse to see their dad, which I would never have allowed to happen. We're totally different people.

Yes, he pays, no problems there. He's just not the dad he was when I knew him, never problems in that respect. Its so disappointing.

I think the main issue here is your ex's relationship with his daughter, not the stepmum's. And I feel a little like you too are focussing on her and everything she has and is doing wrong and not on your ex.

He is the one letting all this go on. He is the one cancelling weekends and saying she can't come. He is the one not ensuring she feels part of the family. He should be making sure she is as happy as she can be when she is with him and he isn't.

Like I said, I'm not saying she's blameless but I think his relationship with your dd is the one to focus on, not hers.

That's a good point jammi, about the stepmum giving up. I wonder whether she is taking the blame when she is with them for all the messing around that her Dad is doing. You've said she adores her Dad. Perhaps it's a bit of a vicious circle - she's upset with her Dad but takes it out on her stepmum, who feels frustrated and upset at that hence their relationship isn't that good, your dd feels like she isn't wanted there, her Dad reinforces that with his behaviour and she gets upset and acts out with her stepmum because it's all the stepmum's fault, IYSWIM.

To say she's given up does imply she was actually trying in the first place, rather than she was always like it.

thanks sufermum

can i add my tep daughter has been a total cow to ME over the years, treating me and speaking to me in ways she would never ever speak to her mother or father

this is because she can, she does not feel the same emotional ties to me as she does her parents and so i have been the whippoing post for her frustrations with the relationship between her parents, in the main this is resolved now, but i am posting to say that it does not necessarily follow that the stepmum is at fault if your daughter plays her up, it is a common complaint of step mums that they are treated very differently and with a lot less respect than "real parents"

I think that actually forcing this situation and having a chat with your ex could well do more damage for your dd - sorry.

By chatting to your ex - he will then go home and chat to sm and then on the next visit things could be ok but stillted and akward for your dd and make her more of an outsider due to things being difficuly.

I would say at chat to your ex about rather than keep cancelling visits to instead mark up some weekend or Saturday afternoons (it is quality meetings with dad not quantity) that he is really def free to see his dd and mark about two dates in the calendar.

If he still doesn't make those metting then think about him drifting away, as it may be better for your dd to spend time doing things that will build her confidence with people/friends that do actually want to be with her. By this I mean perhpas a drams club or sports club that will build her up (as her sm and dad are knocking away silently at her confidence, byt hte sounds of it)