"Not my son"?

[nusch]

Hello step-parents - interested in other people's views on something dh and I just had a big row about!

I have a 13 year old stepson who I've known since he was 2 but only lived with us for about 18 months. I also have a 2yo daughter.

Since s/son moved in have done a lot of "mother" stuff for him - cooking, tidying, doctor + dentist, arranging trips to his mum, etc. Also share responsibility with dh for discipline, etc as we are all living in same house and I feel it's to my benefit as well as his if I do. I also most domestic stuff for dd, although dh shares cooking/shopping.

To get to point s/son has been doing not so good at school and dh has decided we should have a homework strategy. I said that I was happy to support it, but I thought it was mostly dh's responsibility (espcially as I'm putting dd to bed every evening). Dh got really angry and said he would never put a blanket ban on anything. (No - just the list of things it would never occur to him to do!)

I ended up saying - what I really feel - that he's not my son and although I'll do my best for him I'll never feel as I do with dd (eg if he doesn't do well at school I'll be sorry but it won't upset me). Dh seemed shocked but surely that's the natural way to feel? Isn't it???

I think the feelings you have towards a stepchild depend greatly on when you get them, and how much of a parent you are allowed to be towards them.
My stepmum is my mum. I know that our problems have been no greater or lesser because she didn't give birth to me. And she doesn't love me any more or less than her other kids. When dd was born my MIL asked if she could be phoned first as she was the "closest blood relative" My (step) mum went ballistic. As it happened MIL was the first person we phoned - my mum and dad were waiting in the hospital whilst I was in theatre
But in a way it was easy for her to love me. She "got" me when I was four, my bio mum was dead so there was no competition over the role, and my Dad made it very clear that I was part of the package. He gave up all parental rights to me so that they could jointly adopt me and have equal rights - she didn't want to lose me if something happened between them. We often joke that she only married my Dad because she wanted me.

But I can imagine it's a lot more difficult to love a child when you havn't had full responsibility for them from an early age. Why should nusch or griffy love there step children as much as they love their own children. I bet the kids don't love nusch or griffy as much as they love their "real" mothers.

I agree with you Prufrock. I suspect it would be much easier to develop stronger feelings for a young toddler or baby than a stroppy hormonally-challenged bruiser.

On the other hand, perhaps you'd have to feel a whole lot more to start with to be prepared to take on such a large commitment as a child in their infancy.

I think that as long as you act as though you love the child that may well be enough. Does it really, really matter if the step-parent doesn't love the child? Don't they just need to understand that the parent and child come as a package and not be seen to treat the child any differently from their own - assuming you all live together? I would find it very difficult to love someone else's child but I would certainly act as though I did if the child lived with me.

As long as the child doesn't detect a diffence in treatment I'm not sure that there is a huge problem. Children brought up by step-parents would, as adults, not expect that the step-parent should have loved them but that they were treated lovingly. I've not expressed that clearly but...

The whole "treating them the same" thing (which I agree with) is much more difficult with the age difference. My dd is little, adoring, uncritical, makes her needs known very clearly, difficult to ignore - my ss is nearly six foot, deliberately annoying, moving towards independence and spends hours shut in his room with computer games. If they were both mine I'd still be treating them very differently. I know he felt unloved when he moved in - especially by dd who said "no" to him all the time - what's made it much better is that she absolutely adores him now and he thinks it's funny when she hangs out with him and his friends.

One thing about being a step parent is you always attribute problems to that rather than just the normal ups and downs of teenagerhood. It's reassuring to talk to other mothers of 13 year old boys (I have NO previous experience of this species!) and find out that they behave as or more appallingly.

Thanks for your lovely comment, WWW. My mum is actually very good at being a PITA - but at least she's a PITA to us all equally!!

Isn't this a facinating subject? What do people think about adopted children? Obviously, to adopt a child has been a positive choice by his/her parents but what if a biological child arrives on the scene? Is the love felt for the adopted child then kind of 'demoted' to a second class version of love? I can think right now of four such families but I don't believe any of them love their adopted child any less or differently to their natural children.

Suedonim - I think a lot depends on what kind of a person the step parent / adopter / fosterer etc is - my own mother 'fostered' her best friend's youngest daughter after she died of cancer. This was not a positive experience for anyone. My mother is not very maternal (had a terribly abused childhood at the hands of a very, very wicked stepmother) and although she loves us 3 very much, she didn't show it in the same way other mums did. She is not a 'mumsie' kind of mum. I know she found the whole experience of taking on her friend's daughter (then aged 12, the same age as my youngest sister) very hard. She did not love the child, she hit puberty and was quite difficult (wanted to be with her dad and siblings, understandably) and I think they both really suffered psychologically from it.
I, on the other hand, was born maternal - I loved to play with dolls and teddies from dot and have 'looked after' things (pets, friends, boyfriends) since as long as I can remember. Although I wouldn't say I've grown up to be a natural with small children, I have taken on 3 step children, have 1 of my own and another on the way. What I am trying to say, I suppose, is that some people find it easier than others and / or will put up with more than others.
On another thread to this most fascinating of threads - the issue of parenting workloads and what friction this causes with step children is one very close to my heart. I feel a lot of resentment when I find myself doing the vast majority of the care for the step kids - cooking, cleaning up, washing, making beds etc, more so than when I do it just for my own.
And as for exes - well, we could start a whole new thread on that delicate subject alone!

Reading this thread has reminded me of Liamsmum - her DH's ex-wife died suddenly and she was going to have stepchild/ren to live?

Does anyone know where she went? I just did a search for her but there's nothing since December - did she change her name or has she gone?

Fascinating thread anyway. I've often wondered how I would cope with someone else's child and feel that with me it would depend as much as anything on the nature of the child...is this the same for everybody or can some people just take on loving family responsibility for another person regardless of what they're like?

Janh, Liamsmum, that was it, I was trying to think of her name too! I wonder how she is.

I think- just a guess- that Liamsmum may have changed names, Janh. Very interesting thread this.

Nusch I think your point in your last paragraph is very accurate. I think you are possibly attributing too much of the problem with your s/son to the step-parenting thing. It seems to me that the original issue was that your DH was expecting you to monitor a teenager's homework and bath a toddler at the same time. I suppose your resentment is heightened by the fact that he is not your son but thats not the original problem IYSWIM.

nusch - seems very normal to me. When I first met my step-children they weren't really children. dh's daughter was 15 and then she came to live with us for 18 months when she was 18. During that time I found it very hard to even like her never mind approach any feelings of love.

I think its because you don't bond with them, see them being born and go through that closeness. Obviously it was a lot harder for me becuase of the age.

I would say that I am fond of my step-children but I can't say that I love them. It sounds awful but I am being honest. I only see my step-daughter maybe 3 times a year and the other two less often. Its hard to maintain a relationship like that. They just seem like distant cousins.

I certainly wouldn't let your feelings bother you nusch.

Hi I'm new to Mumsnet.
I have experienced difficulty with being a step-mum and natural mum from a different angle. I have been a step-mum to three boys for 7 years they are now 11 & twins of 9. They live with their mum and with us. I now have a 5 month old son and I can honestly say that I love all four boys equally.
People don't believe me however and are always saying it must be so lovely for you to have a proper son now!! This upsets me as it de-values my relationship with dsss.
I do agree that it has been easier to form such a strong bond because the boys were so young when I met them. I have always been very "hands-on" as well, (my choice) which means that we act as a family.
This all sounds idillic but it has been very hard over the years and the family courts and a nutty ex-wife have played a big part. We are pretty settled now though.

This is an interesting thread. I have a stepfather, but have never had a sense of kinship with him from the word go. I also had a relationship, years ago, with a man who had a child with someone else, and I truly loved that child. However, a couple of friends have step children and I cringe at the way they talk about them - there is certainly no love lost. Their natural children are the tops and the step-children get it wrong in every way. It's quite frightening to hear.
I do think that those of you who have admitted that you don't love your step-children are right and honest to do so. We love our own children unconditionally, but can't really always love someone elses. I think that if DH and I split and I got involved with someone with children, there is no reason for me to love those children unless I naturally took to them - I love some of my best friends children, but can't stand others.
In Cold Feet, Karen's boyfriend was openly hostile towards her children and disliked children in general - he wasn't a father. I think it was this dislike of children that made her see what sort of person he was - someone who dislikes children, urgh - rather than his inability to 'love' hers.

Regarding the child of my former boyfriend, whom I loved - many people poo-pooed my ability to love this tot - they thought I was putting it on, as I wasn't a mother back then. But I really did, truly love him and would get quite moony about him when he wasn't around. I think this was just one of those chance things - he was a really sweet little boy and I would have felt the same about him whoever his dad was.

How shocked i was to read this posting. I have a 7 yr old DS and i also have a DH who is step dad to my ds... DS asked him to be his new daddy as his other one is useless. DH jumped with joy and is every bit a daddy that he could be. He does everything i used to do with him and more. Not to say i don't still do it. We have only been married 2 years on the 13th september but for the first time i see my DS with a man he adores and classes as his daddy and my DH with his son, he may not be his sperm donor but any man or woman can be a father or mother BUT it takes a real man /woman to be a mummy or daddy.
In an argument once i turned to DH and said DS is MY responsibilty he isn't your son and DH cried he was heartbroken. Not all step parents are evil lol my DH is a wonderful daddy

Er.. not sure who you're calling "evil" here Vaunda. It seems to me that some birth parents are just as capable of being evil too, if you wish to put it that way.

If you search this board I'm sure you'll find there are step-parents here who've had a terrible time with their partners, step-children and their partner's ex-wives. Some of them have been treated pretty woefully too so I can assure you that it's not always just the step-parent who's at fault. It's also pretty unrealistic if you ask me, to expect that a step-parent is automatically going to love a step-child as much as their own - while it would be nice, it rarely happens that way. It's good that your dh feels the way he does but perhaps both you & your dh haven't experienced some of the hardships that other blended families have. It's very hard to judge when you haven't been through someone else's circumstances.

This is a very old thread by the way...

I think you are jumping down Vaunda's throat a bit. She's entitled to revive a thread if she finds it interesting. And 'evil' is a word that is commonly associated with step-parents - it's big in our mythology.

I'm sure being a step-parent is difficult. Being a step-child is difficult too. Posts about step-parents who don't realise that they are the grown-ups and have to take responsibility for their feelings and the way they express them to their step-children are very worrying. Fine, let it all out here if it's stressful. But don't forget none of the children involved chose this situation.

I know step-parents who are as caring and loving as biological parents - in fact much more so than the non-resident parent in some cases. Reading posts by people who think it's OK to treat their step-children as second-best is distressing. I hope to God if anything ever happened to me, dh would only marry someone who would care for ds as if he was her own.

Nobody has ever said that Edam - it's OK to treat their step-children as second-best. Where has anyone said that on this board? It's not ok to treat them second best. Stepparents who come here are most likely expressing their private feelings that they wouldn't/couldn't express anywhere else and seemingly get judged for it. Are you a step-parent?

What I said to Vaunda may've sounded rough, but I'm on the other side of the coin and am SO tired of hearing the "evil" step-parent spiel. I've been through it myself, and found it extremely difficult. A close friend of mine has tried her damndest to get on with her teenage step-son and he's treated her atriciously. Her marriage is struggling as we speak because the husband won't recognise that his son ever does anything wrong and lets him do as he wishes - he won't back my friend up in any way at all and the son plays on this. Obviously the children don't ask to be in this position and they are the first priority, but step-parents are getting a vicious rap in most cases if you ask me. It's the hardest job in the world and I took exception to the word 'evil' when there are parents out there who have treated their own children like rubbish. I think they are the ones who should be labelled as evil, not stepparents who are trying to make the best of a hard situation.

Nic04,
calm down fgs i wasn't calling anyone evil, if you care to read the entire thread again you will see i have used the term evil in the same way others have.
I am however entitled to my opinion and that is
if you take on a child who belongs to your partner then you are accepting responsibility for that child and the emotional ties that go with parenthood.
I do feel it is evil of a step parent to have a stand offish attitude to a child , afterall they did not ask for the marriage/relationship their parent has embarked on.
just remember children are the innocent party in all this. Yes they may play up have tantrums etc but maybe just maybe they are reacting to the step parent that is being stand offish remember kids pick up on these things quicker and easier than many give them credit for.

I would not have married my DH if my DS hadn't had liked him.

Here here, Vaunda.

YAWN

Hi everyone, haven't posted for a while but just wanted to say after reading this complex thread that obviously as we all know the whole subject is very hard, but I think that all the step parents I have come across on this site have always strived to do their best for everyone involved in the situation, just by posting on here shows that. Being a step parent is the hardest thing I have ever done, and there are times when I still struggle to deal with the mixture of feelings it all churns up, and I know when you meet and decide to embark on life with someone who has children you are then agreeing to take on those children but it doesn't mean you you know how you are going to feel and react to certain situations along the way or how upsetting things might be as you move through life together. Ofcourse these feeling should be kept out of sight of the child but I think all the stepparents I have met are doing a great job and deserve a pat on the back and a bit of credit for doing the best they can to provide a happy and health enviroment for their stepchildren. There is no way you can know how you are going to feel untill you are in a situation , you can't second guess yourself and your feeling which is why it does annoy me when people (and I'm talking about certain people in my life and not anyone on MN) say to me 'well you knew what you were taking on' the fact is you don't, yes i knew my dh had a child , but the thing is quite often and again in my case its soooo much more than that. You also take on the ex (loopy or not still there in the background) the ex family to an extent, the new family ie new brothers/sisters etc the responsibilties with school, the financial side, emotional side, and soo much more, not that I mind at all if I had my way sd would come and live with us perminantley, she is a lovely little girl and our relationship couldn't be better. I would just like to be appreciated a little more because its certainly not something you do unless you are 100% sure, and 100% in love. Sorry to rant , thanks for listening!!