How are you all going?

[Holly02]

Hi Cha, janh, jac34, eulalia & any other sm's out there. Just wondering how you're all getting along.

Things have still been a bit tedious around here, it seems that dh & I have not been getting along properly since SS' arrival. It just feels like such an unnatural situation, if anyone else can understand that..? I just can't believe how utterly frustrating it can be, and it's awful to see your relationship going in a downward spiral because of it. Before it felt like we were a partnership/unit, now it feels as if we are in opposition to each other all the time. Haven't been intimate for a while and have no inclination to either!!

I finally succumbed to joining the anti-depressant club this morning... spoke to a wonderful female doctor who was very supportive and she prescribed Cypramil (sp?) for me, it's supposed to be very effective so I'm hoping to feel better soon. Can't remember the last time I got up in the morning and felt good! Just a prevailing sense of tiredness all the time. I've even brought my studies to a halt for the time being because I couldn't seem to concentrate on it.

Anyway sorry to sound all depressing but it helps to know that there are others in the same situation. Hope you're all going ok.

Hi, Holly - sorry to hear things are still slipping, I was hoping your DH might have begun to see what he was doing to everybody by now. I'm not surprised you're feeling so frustrated and tired.

Hope the anti-depressants work. Our neighbour gets a bad go of depression every few years (it's hereditary with him) and the constant tiredness is what makes him realise it's arrived - the pills gradually make him feel awake earlier in the day (IYSWIM). It sounds like a good idea for you to take a break from your studies - you won't do yourself justice feeling like this. I hope they start waking you up soon.

Will DH just not talk about the situation or have you given up trying to talk to him? Have you sat down and discussed it with SS? Could the 2 of you mayve corner him together and try to make him see?

(Have to mention that I'm not a SM - just a M but wirh teenagers - but v sympathetic to your situation! ) Good luck - thinking about you - hope the 2 of you can get out of your downward spiral.

I'm so annoyed on your behalf about this. That you have become so unhappy about the set up that you are now on anti-depressants. It's not that isn't a positive thing if it makes you feel better, but no one should end up on anti-depressants because of a situation they weren't really consulted about in the first place.

Is your husband still working ridiculous hours which has left you having to sort out his son? And is he blind to the affect this is having on you? Have you talked to him about how you feel? And if so why has it ended up with you being so unhappy that you are resorting to taking tablets? I think I remeber saying to you a while ago that I thought it was up to him to make the effort to spend time with his son - and that it wasn;t down to you to sort him out. I still stand by this. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER!!! You have your own child to worry about, and this can't have been a positive thing for him, having a deeply unhappy and stressed mother.
And what about the boy's mum? What is the deal with her? Is he not spending any time with her at the moment?

Poor you - keep talking, we all know it can excellent therapy in itself.

Sorry janh - thought you were an SM too. Thanks for responding anyway!

valleygirl dh and I have probably been through the worst stage in our relationship ever. I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that he's just gone and done what he wanted to do, despite how I felt about it. I think he feels that as long as SS is under our roof, he's done the right thing as the biological father. But there is so much more to it than that!! DH still travels although it hasn't been quite as much lately, and I've gotten him to make a few compromises with me but it's taken a lot to get him to budge. I am absolutely tired out from the situation.

With regards SS, he rebelled at first but seems to have resigned himself to the fact that things are like this for now, but he also seems to have lost some of the 'spirit' that he had before. Almost like he can't be bothered with much anymore and he spends a lot of time doing as little as possible.

And as you said, it can't have been good for my own ds - yes unfortunately he has been on the receiving end of a less-than-ideal atmosphere, but I am endeavouring not to let it affect him anymore because none of this is his fault and his happiness has to be my first priority.

Thanks a lot for your support...

Holly - so angry on your behalf! Why are so many men like this? Speaking from personal experience here...
Does he know that you have resorted to anti depressants because of this whole situation? Doesn't that make him feel guilty?? Not that I think what you are doing is wrong - anti depressants can help you stay afloat long enough for you to reach the side, and get out. It's just awful though that it has come to this, due to his selfishness and inability to empathise. I'd love to get hold of his phone number and give him a piece of my mind! But anyway, I am thinking of you so much and feeling so proud of you for everything you are going through and how you are still managing to cope with it all. Big internet hug xxx.

Hi Holly02,
Sorry for not answering, I've only just noticed your posting.
I don't think the anti-depressants are a bad thing, we all need a little help from time to time. They may give you the boost you need, to start feeling a bit happier.
As your DH is not paying alot of attention to you or your wishes, then start putting your own child and yourself first.
As the weather is getting better,could you not take a short break, just you and your DS, somewhere cheap and chearful, or to stay with family, just something to give you a break from the situation. It would give you a chance to think more clearly, let the anti-depressants start to work, and hopefully you and DS will have some fun !!
It would also give you DH, the chance to realise what a slob his son is being, and hopefully spur him into action.
It's just a thought, I know it always gives me a bit of a lift !!! Nothing TOO short mind, they need to realise what their missing !!!!

That's a great idea. It's something I have done from time to time too - when I feel dp is really taking the p* - I just pack our bags and go to a friends for a few days, leaving him a note. It takes about 24 hours at the most before I get a text message telling me he's sorry and that he loves and misses us. And things are always much better when we get home - he's had time to regret the way he's treated me, we've both had a rest from each other and put things in perspective and I've also caught up with a friend I haven't seen for a while. Why not try that? You must have a friend living a way away that you haven't seen for a while - just call them up and invite yourself over for a weekend. Don't tell your dh (well, I wouldn't), just let him come home to find you gone and just a note saying you've had enough and need to get away for a bit. Something to that effect. Believe me, it works wonders.

A real friend will not mind you inviting yourself to stay, especially if you say things aren't too good at home, or, even you and a friend take your kids to Butlins or something, have a laugh and some girlie chats.
I proberly would let him know your going though, but just make arrangements, then bu**er off and leave them to it !!! It will be a nice little eye opener for them !!!
If it's starting to effect your health,then you really do need to take a break from it all.

Oh,I'd also make it clear that you don't expect to come home and find the house a tip, otherwise there'll be trouble !!!