Is anybody else a step parent after marrying a widower?

[slightlyonedgemum]

I got married last year and got not only a husband but a 7 year old son-his mother died a few years ago and he was very happy to have a new Mummy and be a 'normal family' after living with his father and grandparents since his mothers death.

However, my MIL hasn't coped very well with losing 'her little boy' (she stopped my husband from being a parent in that she'd undermine what he said and did to his child) and it's affecting my son (and our marriage).

We spend a lot of the time trying to undo his grandparents influence (lots of bad behaviour, bad manners, thinking he is a prince etc) but unfortunately I think he feels still that Nanny is boss. My husband has spoken to her a few times in the last 6 months about our need to be a family unit and for our son to recognise our house is home and we are his parents but, she picks him up from school every day (we both need to work) and one night a week he stays there (in order to not upset things). This is obviously not working and I'm wondering if anyone can give me any advice of what might work or how to deal with my son and/or MIL?!

is it possiable that you can cut your hours one of you two pick him up at least few days a week and perhaps stop the over night thing for now and jst have odd vist while dust settles and he get used to whos er in charge

Unfortunately my husband is a student (will earn money from September) and we're hoping we can then get a mortgage. So the earliest I can cut down my hours from September (although that would depend on how things go in my office with the current recession etc) as I'm the only income really.

I'm up for stopping the over night visits (he always comes home tired, grumpy etc) but my husband thinks that if it was working, it'd be a good thing. I agree but at the moment it just seems to cause even more trouble than it's worth. We did it so there was a continuation and stopped them all being upset by them moving out but now it seems that it might be a way of making things easier all round. The only issue would be how to break that to my in laws which would cause even more issues.

Sorry I know the post is just a post, but when I read it (and I do have issues with step parents ) I felt that you came across as a new step parent who felt that your new role hasn't materialised, or acknowledged yet.

I personally would chill out a bit. The seven year old was happy to get a new mum: At least that's something. Now think for him his life has been where ? Dad and GPs.

You want him now to stop looking towards his GPs, to recognise WE are his parents, and OUR house is him home. I would imagine if you stopped trying to push this, you might find he will come round himself to the idea.

There really doesn't have to be a competition. GPs always spoil their kids - might have something to do with realising there is a lot more to life.

Does he like staying at GPs? If he does let him, if you feel he is grumpy etc change it to Friday or Sat (to protect school).

But really I am sorry if this is harsh but it does sound like you are desperate get your position established, rather than fix a problem (which really doesn't seem to exist)

Wildfish-I do in some ways see what you're saying about establishing positions, but he's always been sure I'm his Mum (he remembers his birth Mum and his first time round of a 'normal family' very well), even to the point that at his Aunts wedding he came running to me crying and not his father or either set of grandparents. Our issue is less with knowing ours is home and we are parents and more about him not getting confused. For the first few months he would be happy until he stayed at his grandparents and would then say 'I miss their open fire' and things like that (which is normal and fine), but would also get concerned and obviously more unstable. We even got to him asking why he has to go there! His Nanny is a negative person (doesn't mean to be but is often 'beaten' by the world) and when she is being negative my son then gets worried. I hadn't realised she's been bad for the last few weeks until last night. My son has been getting more unsure (struggling to do simple tasks he can normally do, crying more at little things that don't normally bother him) and also has taken to lying in bed in the morning instead of his normal lively jumping up and making lots of noise. We'd thought things had settled down since Christmas, otherwise I'd think it was him being torn between us but we honestly thought our troubles had ended.

I don't mind their spoiling him (as you say, this is normal) but once again, it gets down to simple things like him not understanding he shouldn't throw things around at home as at Nanny's she'll put everything away do everything for him. He was really proud when he learnt to tie his shoe laces and then we discovered she does it for him when he's there. She doesn't want him to grow up (partly understandable) but as a result his friends often think he's funny as he can be quite young. We also have the issue that they even bought him new school shoes (with velcro) because they didn't like the ones we had bought him then Nanny told him off for not wearing them-he ended up being upset as he was panicking he couldn't find them and I didn't even realise they exist!

I do think I will see if we can change his night to a weekend night although that makes me feel cheeky that it'll look like we want to go out!

mrsjammi -

Were you a single parent or like my husband, did your partner die? What made your Mum think she could behave like that?

Part of my concern is that my MIL might interfere when we have more children, but at the same time she wouldn't get the same chance to. I guess part of the problem is I feel she has brought up my son until now so I'm thankful to her and don't want to upset her.

The reason for putting up with it so far has been because I'm grateful for all that she does for us/our son but we're now getting to the stage where he's obviously bothered which is the last thing we want (and if she realised it was partly her doing she'd be mortified).

Unfortunately his school is a village school (90 pupils) with no after school club apart from one that finishes at 5pm (my husband tries to pick him up from that as he's finished by then). We asked around before getting married and there aren't any child minders for other pupils so in order to get him anywhere he could be looked after he'd have to be driven there a few miles by taxi which obviously we're not happy with.

I suspect things will only improve when he goes to secondary school or when we have further children and I stop work.

Last night our son was rude, as I told him off he walked away from me (and then pretended he hadn't heard when it was obvious he had). He would never normally behave like that but because we were at my in laws he thinks he doesn't have to listen to us. When I told him that he hadn't behaved very nicely and I knew he could do a lot better, I just got looked at like I was an evil mother by my in laws to the point when we'd got home and the phone rang, my husband thought it was his Mum phoning to have a go! I hate feeling negative as I'm normally a very optimistic person, but even my husband can't see how it'll improve and it's his family!

whoa that was a long post:

On the rude part : I guess you have to take a stand and you did. But if it was other minor behaviour over there, I'd let him do that there, and calmly and nicely (not saying you don't) let him know that he can't do that at home (when at home). My DS has multiple sets of rules at different place: Kids can handle it.

It is more likely as things settle and as he grows he will have conflicts in his own mind. He will push the boundaries everywhere. I don't pretend to know the answers, I am only learning with one DS, but I find that sometimes he is pushing the boundaries to find out how much he is loved. Neither ignoring or shouting produces good results. I find that a hug (yeah he is only 5) with a gentle telling off gets the best results.

What I mean to say is that I don't think he is getting confused about rules, but is perhaps realising you are "permanent" and things are changing and he is getting confused about what it means for him and so he is pushing things. How you deal with it is going to make the difference. And I don't think trying to take away the parts he is used to will help.

I'm babbling.

Wildfish-I tend to let most of his behaviour go when they're about as I know he doesn't mean it in a bad way and that's just what he's used to. Last night was just one of those things where if he was a teenager he'd have been sticking his fingers up so I decided it'd have to be mentioned then. It's the first time my in laws have seen me tell him off, normally if anything happens at home where he's naughty/rude I just tend to say 'pardon' and if he can't see where he was in the wrong I explain why (usually with a hug, kiss or tickle at the end so he knows he's loved). Learnt in the first month that I'd have to explain why his behaviour wasn't good as it's normally things his grandparents encourage. I've often wondered if I'm a prude or just no fun but a lot of people (including his maternal grandparents) have commented on his lack of manners and how his grandparents are a bad influence so I hope it's not just me.

I'm quite happy for him to have different rules at their house (all grandparents are more lenient with grandchildren than they were with their own) but at the moment he seems to be living by their rules everywhere.

I don't want to take away what he's used to but it's frustrating that that's what's causing the problems (although they have got worse since he hasn't been living there).

mrsjammi - I have a friend who's a single parent and has the same thing. Very frustrating for her and I sympathise. My MIL hasn't openly undermined me yet but regularly used to tell my son to ignore Daddy he's just being silly when my husband told him off. I suspect (from little things my son says) she still does it but not in front of us.

My MIL is a lovely woman who I just wish was happy. She has never really experienced having to worry about other people's feelings (spoilt child followed by placid spoiling husband) and seems to think my son is there to make her feel better about herself. She spends so much time trying to be a mum to my son she forgets she's actually my husband's mum but he seems to be constantly worrying about her feelings.

My husband and I are going to talk about changing his staying over night to a weekend one and hope that'll help. Only problem will be getting him back-he often goes there for a couple of hours to practice piano and gets delivered home nearly four hours later....

I wonder if I will change it but I don't want to feel like my son is struggling because of adults treating him differently or having a tug of war over him. I also don't want it to happen with any future children we may have. My husband will (yet again) talk to him Mum and we'll see where we get to. I suspect we're gonna have lots of talks with cuddles this weekend but these good spells only last as long as Nanny's good moods.

I haven't adopted him yet. Paperwork is waiting for the 6 month mark (a couple of weeks) then we can send it off. On the other hand, if anything happens to my husband, I'll be his legal guardian. His grandparents didn't want to be...

I'll say again - from your posts you seem worried - but reading them again and again, it really seems you are more worried about not being the mum or not getting the mum role or even losing the role. But you seem reasonable, loving and kind. You just seem worried about MIL.

I'd not worry about the boy or future kids. You (parents) provide the love and support. He sees he is loved both sides, he feels comfortable at home, and he feels no competition and you'll find there was no problem. He'll settle into GPs are GPs with GPs rules. Parents are parents. He'll push you both, kids do. My nieces have stricter rules at home than family houses, while my son has stricter rules at family than home.

Now excuse me if I am out of line, but as MrsJammi alluded to - I don't think its a direct step parenting issue, or a widow issue. You are going to have parenting (normal) issues. You have in the back of your mind, competing with 1st wife and MIL. I don't think you are going to be able to overcome that, just to learn to live with it. Do your best through positive actions, and let the dice roll.

PS I think all parents have the anxiety when kids appear to treat other people with more love or respect or honour or whatever than their parents.

slightlyonedgemum, I am a step mum to my DP's 2 DSs, and mum to my own two DSs as well. It is a hard job to do, and I often feel as though I haven't done one aspect or another of one role or another very well. And that's in addition of course to being a partner to DP! However, none of us are perfect, and I am doing my best.

I found one book really helpful - the Step Parents' Parachute. It tells it how it is, and has a whole chapter on "keeping rejection at arm's length". I have found this helpful with my stepsons - I am not their mum, and am not trying to be, but it does hurt when you feel rejected at times. I have learnt to understand that this situation is difficult and a steep learning curve for them too.

Another think I have learnt through divorce and taking on someone else's children as my own - you have to let go of things you can't control. So in your case, you can't control what Nanny says to your DSS when he is with her, but by reassurance and love, you CAN make sure that your DSS feels secure in his home with you and your DH. However, by stopping him having access to his nanny, I fear you may be creating issues for the future - resentment that this relationship was not allowed.

Step parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever taken on in my life. The first 3 months were dreadful, the next 3 pretty dire, but after 6 months it started to improve. It needs time. Time for everyone to settle. Time and patience. Don't rush this little boy, just make sure he knows he is loved and accepted - but that there are boundaries, and yours may be different to his nan's.

Good luck