Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

"Step-P's"-background. What was your life before?

38 replies

ElenorRigby · 22/02/2009 19:48

Was just wondering what was your life like before you became a "step".
Were you separated/divorced with kids?
Were you separated/divorced with no kids?
Were you single with no ties?
Etc...
I am kinda of interested on understanding different "steps" are coming from as I have noticed we have different attitudes to similar situations.
I was kinda figuring it might be due to "where we are coming from" as it were.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mrshibbins · 12/06/2009 12:43

oh, also meant to say i was a good way to finishing my second novel when I took on OH and his DD ... and that's all kind of gone out of the window now, along with friends, leisure and exercise ...

sunshine13 · 12/06/2009 15:18

Gotta say.. i find this thread very interesting.

I'm currently divorcing after being with ex for 13 years.

I see OH's little one every fornight.

OH going through custody battle to see more of him. and yup, I could stab his ex too.

supagirl · 16/06/2009 14:34

I was a single parent. DH's ex hates me and my ds with a passion and used to spy on us before we moved in together!

triggerhappybaby · 19/06/2009 13:01

Was single, no aspirations of motherhood, took on two resident children/adults (19 & 16). Very very difficult. Can't seem to bond with them because they do their own thing. Not sure either of them would be arsed if they never saw me again, except they'd be a bit confused about having to cook their own dinner. It's been 2 years

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster · 24/06/2009 15:31

I was single, and DP was married when I met him. There was no affair, but people tell me I was a "catalyst" for the separation and the ex definitely blames me, and hates me with a passion. It has been the hardest few years of my life coping with it all - long drawn out divorce with all sorts of barriers to contact, DP's depression, all the guilt, other people's opinions. But the two DSDs are lovely, and we hope we are turning a corner, fingers crossed.

Romilly70 · 27/08/2009 09:06

I was single, 37 and never lived with anyone before I met DP (who was already divorced for 2 years.)

Luckily, we live abroad, so have DSC for a few weeks during summer and see them back in UK for Xmas & Easter.

DP ex is pleasant to me on the rare occassions we meet. Slight issues with DSD13, bit of competition for her Dad's attention, but compared to some SM's experiences, mine seems fine.

(Was quite unprepared for how much children take over your home, after living alone for so long, but I think that is just kids; steps or not!)

terrier141 · 28/08/2009 07:32

Divorced and long term single mum of 2 - very used to not having to answer to anyone, and making all decisions involving myself and my kids.
Met dh who (at that time) had his 2 dc's living with him, and it was love at first sight. Got married (my sc's decided to move in with their mum for school purposes), we have every other weekend and all school holiday contact. I have a very amicable realationship with dh's ex (though his relationship with her is not quite so good!), and access is very flexible - whatever suits us all.
Dont find it easy - the kids argue (dont all kids!), and we have very different styles of parenting. However, we are getting there, and it is getting easier - its been nearly 2 years now.

EmilyD · 07/09/2009 11:59

I was divorced, living as single mum for a year and half before I met my DP - he had been single and split from his partner for 8 months.

I have 6 yr old ds, he has 12 year old DD.

Ex sporadically causes my DP problems with outbursts over phone but other than that things are ok.

My ex sporadically causes me problems (he had affair and married woman).

randomtask · 08/09/2009 10:57

I'm in some ways the same and in other ways very different from the rest of you.

I was unmarried, had 2 relationships but always lived with my parents before meeting DH. We moved in together when we got married. Was used to children (am an Aunt and Godmother) but not full time or 7 year old which DSS was then (I seem to have a gap in experience for 4-12 year olds).

DH's first wife (DSS's BM) died when DSS was 3 so they'd lived with my IL's in between.

Thus, no problem at all with his 'ex' as she's dead and her family were wonderfully supportive. I have on the other hand heard about almost all of DH's first wedding (and a lot of the marriage) from DH's first MIL and his Mum. I've spent a lot of time being told I'm taking on a lot by the people who make me feel bad by making me feel like a 'second' but don't mean to. I also feel like I will never do something as a 'first' with DH (we're about to start TTC and it really depresses me to think we're not sharing a new experience together) but we also don't know how to sort that out. DH is wonderfully supportive and has never made me question that he loves me fully, but I still know if his first wife hadn't died, I wouldn't be married.

As for DSS, it's been both easy and hard. He didn't understand about being told off at first as he'd been over spoilt due to his Mum's death. He thought 'Mummy in Heaven' wouldn't have told him off but DH pointed out to him that he wasn't old enough to be told off. It's been difficult in that respect (and knowing I'm being compared with a dead person which means you never win) but DSS is a wonderful child and I love him very much (although his personality and upbringing are so different to mine it makes it difficult).

Hope that helps!

bonnymiffy · 13/05/2010 09:06

I was single, no ties when I met DH, with his son (now 8) we married earlier this year, so no experience of being a parent at all and feeling like I've been thrown in at the deep end sometimes. Also, no-one in my family or local friends have step families so not able to make comparisons/ask for advice. Have a feeling I'll be posting quite a bit now I've found this forum. I try not to speak/deal with SS's BM, we're lucky as she is considerably more reasonable than alot of other exes mentioned here!

macadoodledoo · 13/05/2010 21:58

This is interesting - I'm another who was essentially single with no kids of my own. I say 'essentially' because there was a teeny overlap between previous casual relationship.

Took it very slowly with the DSC because DP was recently separated, so didn't meet them for nearly a year. With hindsight I think this may not have been the best approach because by the time 'the first meeting' came around I was entirely terrified and buggered the whole thing up! Clearly a balance needed to be struck - not too soon but 12 months was too long.

DP moved in with me six months after the first DSC meeting, and they started staying with us every week for their overnighters from that point on. DP and I bought our first house together about a year after that and things have become slightly easier because of the move - starting over together, shared space and ownership etc etc being positives for us.

In relation to the OP questions - I love the different perspectives on here. I'm usually prompted to consider something from a different angle by someone else's perspective. Keep 'em coming!

Tanga · 14/05/2010 14:18

I was divorced, one DD. Had also raised my exH's niece after her mum had a brain tumour so had some experience of attempting to be a parent to a child when you aren't actually the parent, IYSWIM.

After some very strange behaviour after divorce, ex and I had settled into a nice pattern of co-parenting DD helped by my ex's lovely new wife, so it was quite a shock to become involved in a situation where court was needed to sort out arrangements and false allegations were threatened and the child used as a weapon.

Was nothing to do with DH's disasterous relationship with his ex or the break-up of it, but had known him for years through work, had mutual friends etc. He had to go through a very protracted court battle to get contact with his DS, but we now have him 3 weekends out of 4, and he is an absolute treasure. There were lots of hard times but now things are generally calm, particularly now he is old enough to talk over his feelings and understands some of his Mum's difficulties.

I'm surprised at how many steps didn't have kids of their own before - hats off to you, ladies, what a culture shock!

Biby · 10/06/2010 11:13

I was young (22)free and single (and loved it!) got dunk, met my DP and he moved in with me 6 months later.
Knew early on that he had 5 kids and had had the snip. Had limited contact with his DCs until his ex decided she 'didnt want' one of the children any more.
We decided early on that we would have to adopt if we wanted 'our own' children but i couldnt be selfish enough to take on another child when he had one that was so in need of us first.
So im now a full time step mum to one and part time to 4 and have realised that im quite good at it!!lol

Flip

1 2