moody dsd - just like her mum

[donkeyderby]

I have a generally good relationship with my dsd (24) but she is unpredictable in her moods and often throws silent strops when she visits, sometimes for the whole time she is with us.

Which brings me to her mother. She has not had an easy time of things in life, but I have to say, certainly no harder than me or dh for v.different reasons. For a brief initial period, all looked so promising: We got on well and spent time as a big, alternative, extended family, but very soon, the ex's strops began. She ruined several of her ds's birthday parties by sulking and sighing and creating atmospheres you could cut with a blunt butter knife. Dh and ex had split up years before we met and she had gone on to have another (failed) relationship and a child with another man, but she still seemed furious and bitter about their split and overflowing with self-pity. The situaton disintegrated and the rows started. We were relieved when dsd grew older and contact with ex more or less stopped.

However, dsd does exactly the same. I detect the same resentment that her mother had and I think dh needs to sit down and talk it through with her honestly and help her through it, but he is scared it will open a can of worms and ruin their relationship. So he avoids any conflict and just gets confused and hurt after her visits. If he visits her on his own, it all goes swimmingly well, so I am assuming it is something to do with being with our - challenging but happy - family. Or seeing me! Any hints about how to mend the past?

I mean 'she ruined several of her dd's birthday parties'

I wouldn't tolerate an adult having a prolonged silent strop whilst visiting me. It's silly and unnecessary. Accepting childish behaviour from her isn't helping her either. I think tackling this has to come from her dad though. He has to tell her that an adult sulking whilst staying with someone is unacceptable and she either is pleasant or goes home. I hate strops and atmospheres so would have a loqw threshold for stamping on this. If you as parents/stepparents let her get away with it then she'll think it's an acceptable way to behave and will do this with boyfriends etc. At 24 she's old enough to be taught that it isn't and she either grows up or goes home.
Different if she's just a bit of an introvert who prefers to read a book than sit and chat on an evening, but if it's genuine sulking and refusing to talk to people that's just silly.

What jammi and 2rebecca say sounds about right re the jealousy and a possible way of dealing with it.

There is no other way but for your dh to speak to her and break that vicious circle. So maybe it will open a can of worms, maybe there will be a row and harsh words traded, maybe the visits will stop for a while. I just think it's unacceptable to let her have so much negative influence on all of you as a family and blame it on you when it was her own mother that got her the childhood she had. For her own sake, she should be more mature than to throw strops and spoil the day for everyone.

She needs to be told either she changes her attitude and seeks help or she should stop blighting your family with her sulking and stay away. If I were you, I'd keep out of it. It's her Dad's task to straighten her out.

One thing I do know is to stay out of it, cashmere. I tend to keep a benign distance and let her mum and dad do the parenting and the disciplining (though she's getting too old for that).

It's just a shame that she can be such fun some of the time, and then change without warning into this moody adult-toddler. I think she must have questions about her childhood and her parents split and I imagine her mother might have given her side of the story, but I don't know.

She used to give her mother a really hard time, but now they are as thick as thieves. It's the sort of situation that is best discussed between the two parents, but of course that is not possible when the two parents don't have much to do with each other. I would guarrantee it would end in a row or a big sulk anyway.