Should I have discussed it with dp first?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Very quick background history.

exp and I split up when ds1 was 22m old. he saw him on n off for 8m then disappeared. This went on for a few years and partly because i allowed ds1 to dictate whether he wanted to see his father or not...MY MISTAKE! anyway when he was 7 I met dp and we went on to have ds2.

DS1 has had behaviour problems since he was 4 1/2 to the point that police have been called by neighbours because he screams so loud and throws himself around. He has seen a child psychologist and they all come to the same conclusion, HE WILL STOP WHEN HE IS READY AS HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!!!!!!!!!!

So today he kicked off again, i text his father and told him i needed to talk to him as a matter of urgency and for once he actually replied he called me up and we spoke for 35 minutes. He has said he is happy to see ds1 as long as he is not going to muck about again and chop and change his mind as it hurt him when ds1 did this. It was left that I will talk to ds1 and let exp know by next weekend what ds1 wants.

I am at the end of my tether to the point that I am looking at boarding schools for him.

You haven't said how old he is. I think primary school children are too young to decide whether or not/ when they want to see their parents. They aren't keen on change and aren't good at thinking of the long term consequences of their actios ie not seeing dad regularly means a crap relationship with dad and dad's side of family when you could have extra supportive and loving adults.
I think booys in particular benefit from regular contact with their dads because particularly when they are older they will accept disciplining/ advice from their dad in a way they often won't from a stepdad. Not true in all circumstances of course but mums who have a dad to share the parenting of boys with often have an easier time.
I'd go for a supernanny type approach with the behaviour problems, bad behaviour = withdrawing things, good behaviour = rewards but would definitely look at getting your son to see his dad regularly.

2rebecca, he is now 10 1/2.

it's not about what hurts exp
it's about his son
crumbs, I wouldn't know what to do either
maybe some sort of family counselling?