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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

dreadful, dreadful day with 17yr old step son - feel like walking out. help, please...

11 replies

kissmummy · 16/02/2009 19:34

i hate being a stepmum, wish i'd known how thankless and miserable it can be. stepson, 17, who lives with us (mother lives overseas and is not very involved) was incredibly rude to me today after i told him off for sneaking a girl into the house and spending several hours making out with her in his bedroom while the rest of us were in the house.
All the while I was in the house with his little brother (who is a toddler) and my own mother I had no idea they were there and got a complete shock when i went into his room to find them on the bed. i immediately left the room and the girl left shortly afterwards, but my stepson was far from apologetic and instead was very aggressive and offensive to me.
This issue has not come up before and when i tried to explain to him that i felt really uncomfortable with him having girls in his room while I am at home with DS he started fxxxxing and blinding at me and then sulked out of the house, leaving me in tears. i am so angry. not so much at the fact of his having a girl in the room (can't blame him for trying) but for his offensive reaction....sorry for the rant. any advice anyone? i am just so sick of it all

OP posts:

nkf · 16/02/2009 19:36

Poor you. I have no advice because I don't know this sort of territory but someone will, I'm sure. It's outrageous that he swore at you.

Original poster

kissmummy · 16/02/2009 19:40

yes, that's what really upset me. when i told him to stop swearing at me his reaction was that i'd "heard the words before so what's the big deal?" I really thought he would have grown up by now, but he is sooo immature. he'll be 18 this week and i had drafted a really lovely letter to him, saying lots of lovely things. I don't feel like writing it any more.

OP posts:

LooptheLoop · 16/02/2009 19:56

Know how you feel. I have several teenage step-sons. Teenagers can be trying enough when they are your own!

How much do you do for him? If it were me, he wouldn't be getting his clothes washed, dinner cooked or a lift anywhere until he had apologised!

Don't blame him for trying about the girl but no excuse for the language.

Original poster

kissmummy · 16/02/2009 20:14

he gets near enough everything done for him, which i don't agree with but all attempts to get him to do his own things have failed and in the interests of harmony with my DH i have given up trying. I keep myself going by thinking that he's off to university in the autumn and then not only will he be in for a big shock (like having to learn how to use a washing machine) but i'll also get a break from him. i don't mean that in a horrible way - he is basically a good kid and i'm sure i did some pretty crap things when i was 17 - but it will be a relief, if i'm honest, when he leaves home.

OP posts:

LooptheLoop · 16/02/2009 20:29

Sorry, that sounds rough. What does your DH think about the swearing? Would he support you in drawing a line there?

Carmenere · 16/02/2009 20:33

Right I have been EXACTLY where you are right now. Dss is 20 and when he got to 18 he became unbearable. He also lives with us full time.
All I can say to you is it didn't get better until I changed my attitude. And by that I mean I was ready to throw his dad out unless he stood up for me. As soon as they both clocked that I was serious, they changed. And btw the only reason he thinks he can get away with treating you like shit is because his dad sanctions it. So you have to change your approach.

Carmenere · 16/02/2009 20:35

And what on earth are you think about by doing stuff for him, he is an adult??

Original poster

kissmummy · 16/02/2009 22:13

carmenere, yes, i know. i don't do much for him tbh - his dad does most of it. but he should do his share round the house and doesn't - it drives me mad..... i can so relate to what you are saying when you say "i was ready to throw his dad out unless he stood up for me. As soon as they both clocked i was serious they changed." that's the key point, isn't it - whether your DP/DH supports you or takes their side... What infuriates me the absolute most is when DH takes his son's side when his son is clearly in the wrong. although i know it's totally natural and i'm sure i'd do the same it absolutely infuriates me as it feels like a betrayal and like he's putting his DS ahead of me. carmenere did you give them some sort of ultimatum?

OP posts:

LooptheLoop · 16/02/2009 22:56

That was my gut instinct on reading your original post - why was your DH letting him get away with this behaviour. He isn't doing his son any favours in the long run, poor kid.

I appreciate it must sometimes be a difficult line - but would your DH let him fxxx and blind at someone else?

Carmenere · 16/02/2009 23:07

Well what happened was that we went away and when we came back I found a cigarette lighter in my bed and when I confronted him (dp was still away) dss actually got aggressive with me and was saying 'yeah so what'. And I just went stony cold and told his dad and, I can't really explain it but from that minute, something shifted within me and I realised that I was responsible for letting myself be treated like that in my own house, and I think they both just realised that he had crossed the line.
It has been a very long haul since then, not straightforward at all but it has gotten MUCH better because I drew a line in the sand and it won't be crossed.
I explained to dp that my self respect wouldn't allow a jumped up spoilt little shit get physically agressive with me in the home I had made for him. I also pointed out to dp that I would be very suprised if he would allow dss to speak to his (evil) mother. Dp agreed that he would not. I also pointed out, and this is CRUCIAL, that I would throw my own child out if she behaved like that and it was nothing to do with dss being a step child.

You are the only one that can change this situation.

and if you are the woman who had the laundry situation recently, throw him out now and tell his dad to go with him. (no idea if you are)

Original poster

kissmummy · 17/02/2009 12:45

thanks car, i'm not the woman with the laundry situation (though he still doesn't really do his own laundry but that's another story).
Agree a firm line must be taken and i'm the only one who can change this situation. the trouble is that DSS never sees any real consequences to bad behaviour....he gets told off by his dad and myself, says sorry, and then just does it all again.
this time i'm going to suggest to his father we cut his pocket money/allowance for a month..perhaps that would actually drum it home to him and make him think twice before swearing at me again.
glad to have found this board though; its the first time i've posted. I don't have any friends who are step parents, and so don't really have anyone to share experiences with....

OP posts:

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