New Step mum needs general advice and support

[sunshineisout]

I have been with dp for just over a year and living with him for 6 months. Half the week his dd 3 lives with us. I get on great with sd and love her to bits. However before living with dp i had lived very independetly, alone in own (very tidy) house, i find it challenging enough to live with dp and even more challengind and exhausting with a small child.

Most of the time things are great and I look forward to having own child with dp in the future and want dsd to be a part of that.

however as much as I love them both there are times when I feel I have taken on too much in every sense, house work, having to plan around a child's shedule, looking after a child, financial conributions etc and if I am honest there are times I find it difficult to be with a man who I know I will always be second to and can be a little jealous of their bond(although i never show/discuss with dp.) I hope that the longer we live together as a fmily unit the more we will grow and develop as a fmaily and i will be more used to things. However I some times worry that it will only get worse and if i do have my own child will resent dsd.

I am probably blowing it out of proportion but I would love to hear any of your experiences and to know if things got better or worse and if this is normal for quite early on.

I have been with my DH for 10 years. We met at work 14 years ago and were friends first as he was married and I was in a relationship.
His marriage broke down and we got together straight away. He had then two daughters one 2 1/2 the other aged 1.
I too had lived on my own and then all of a sudden I had a live in partner and these two girls staying at our house often.
At first it was good although the youngest did not want to know me at all. However after a year or so of perfect bliss living together I suddenly started to resent the untidiness (I am a complete neat freak) and financial aspects of them being with us (although hubby pays money for them each month to ex)
I found it hard bonding with two little things who made me come second and who messed up my house and life.
However 10 years later I am a stepmum to those girls of 13 and 11 and although they are still messy little monkeys I do love them and I know they are part of my hubby.
Don't get me wrong I still crave a tidy house and us time however now we have two monkeys of our own who are 7 and 5 I have no choice.
My advice to you would be to embrace his dd and appreciate the time you have together as a 3 family and as a couple. Talk to your dp and explain how you feel and tell him you love dsd but you have worries. I am sure he will make you feel better.
Although my DH loves his kids and there are times when the oldest and I clash (teenage girls for you) he always assures me that I am really important to him and one day his girls will be off doing their own thing.
Good luck and don't give up as it is obvious you love your dp and want to make it work.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been with my DH for 14 years. DSD was 2.5 when we got together. She was a delight (still is ). But I also found it very hard to come to terms with the fact that I would always come second to DSD. And irrational as it was I will admit there were times when I was jealous. It wasn't until I had my own children that I realised how unreasonable I had been (through no fault of my own, you can't help how you feel).

What I mean is now I've had my own dds that feeling is gone completely. DSD is like my own daughter now (has lived with us for the past 8 years) and I just don't feel that way anymore.

I know it's hard but time is great at putting everything into perspective and making things easier.

me too - i find it very hard with my dss and i already have a son. Like you its been six months and i sometimes wonder if it isnt too much to take on. like you we have known one another for years and became an instant family so dont get the honeymoon period. There are times as well that i struggle not to get frustrated with my dss. He is very sensitive and cries at the first sign of anything (lst night he and my ds were naughty at the dinner table. My ds went on the naughty step first then came back to eat his dinner. Dss continued to be naughty, went on the naughty step and then came back - only to cry for forty minutes for being put on the naughty step, despite being the older one and already seeing his brother go there). It can be so hard but i hope that one day he feels i was a good influence and udnerstands that i tried my best for him!

You really really have to love your OH to put up with challenges of being a step parent.
Honestly it is the most difficult thing I have done by far.
I suspect its more difficult for someone without children to cope with the stuff step parents face.
When I met DP I was a independent (own house/car/decent job) who was pretty hedonistic and loved to party. Everything about being a step has been tremendously challenging. When I met DP I knew nothing about kids, didnt actually like them much. I knew nothing about divorce, ex's from hell or custody (residence) battles.
It's been a steep learning curve and one I am still battling to get to terms with.
I dont ever know if I will reach a point of serenity as a step. I have a suspicion it will always be very difficult.

Thanks for all your messages. Have had a talk with DP and feel better for getting things off my chest. Hopefully we'll mudle through one way or another...

I would go right ahead and have a baby of your own ASAP. Your DSD won't seem nearly as restricting once you are totally restricted by your own child and you will learn to be a parent more easily with a baby of your own. And you will create a stronger bond with your DP, which will make you less jealous of DSD.

I have never been a step parent, but I think its the mark of a good man who puts his children first.

And EVERY PARENT , whether step parent or not has had those feelings of "Oh my God what have I done???"

Maybe just remind yourself that his dd has a much bigger adjustment than you have - none of it within her control.

Coming to this a bit late but would like to add my support. I too was like you, no kids, flat of my own etc when I got together with dp. He moved in with me (nearly 11 years ago!) and with him came his three lovely kids (not permanently, just weekends and holidays!). Although I got on with the eldest two (sisters, 9 and 11) absolutely fine, the youngest was just 6 months old when we met (long story but dp's ex wanted a baby and not him, they split when dss was a week old)and that was profoundly different.

The big girls coming to stay was not a problem - though I did find the mess and extra work hard a lot of the time(esp as dp lazy bugger). Dss was a different story altogether though [tries not to remember]as he was so little and was often difficult (poor kid). I had NO experience of little children, found practically everything he did hard to cope with and in the end I would often go away for the weekends that he came because it was so hard for all of us. I am not proud of the way I felt.

And I empathise with everyone's feelings of jealousy, stupid as it sounds. But I DID feel jealous of dp's love for his kids and the bond that they shared - to which I was often painfully excluded.

But when I had my own dcs, everything changed. I suddenly 'got' this small boy. As my dd grew up, she and dss developed this lovely relationship, and just seeing how much they loved one another made me love him more. And I stopped feeling jealous of dp's relationship with his other kids completely. YOu know, I hadn't realised that till writing this now. It just stopped. Perhaps because I finally understood what it is to love your child - and how that does not affect how much you love your partner because it's a different love?

So while I am not advocating getting pregnant this instant (!) what I am seconding I suppose is the fact that once you have your own kids, things get better. It's never EASY being a stepmum but it is wonderful and rewarding and funny and lovely - and I would NEVER be without my three gorgeous stepchildren.

I wish that I had found this website well before now!! I am a 24 year old female and I was brought to tears reading some of these blogs. I know exactly how some of you feel and I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one!!

I've been in my relationship for nearly two years now and I wonder if I've taken on too much. My partners child is two years old and the ex causes trouble whenever she can. Because of my partners situation our relationship is often strained.

I have so many emotions that I find difficult to deal with and I always find that I have to do the compromising. I too get jealous of the bond that they (My partner and his child) but I also get upset and jealous of the very, very special 'bond' that my partner and his ex have.

I feel like I could almost write a book on this and my journey so far. It's hard work and it's not how I pictured my life to be.

What helped me "gel" with dss was stopping fighting his attention-seeking behavior by giving him loads of quality time and including him as much a possible. It really helped, and gave me and DP much more time together without him trying to sabotage it IYSWIM...

Acting "as if" we were close helped it to become true, and I really think he loves being round me and DP now.

I hope that helps!

seroo

hugs for you.

The 'special' relationship with his ex must be very challenging for you, much more so than with your DSC which is a completely different relationship.

Seroo - i am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time, but glad you have found this site. I read the posts a while before posting and it is so helpful to know that other people are going through the same things.

I agree with fourkids it must be so difficult to manage his "special relationship" with his ex. I hope you can work through it.

I know exactly how you feel about thinking you have taken on too much, there are times especially in the earlier days when i thought about leaving,(i am sure it will cross my mind again) and it doesnt make you a bad person if you do, i suppose you need to weigh up whether the good times outweigh the bad - bearing in mind that ALL relationships have difficulties and most people have thought about leaving their relationship at some point.