Struggling with DSDs

[mumof2monsters]

I have two DSDs as well as a DS and DD of my own. The two DSDs are 13 and 11 and live with DH's x.
They come over to ours most weekends that we are off as we work shifts and some weekends. We get on well with DH x and up til recently all has been ok
However lately DSD who has just turned 13 has a real attitude. She is rude, thinks money grows on trees. Is lazy and never really helps much around the house.
I can be hard on mine sometimes but it is too much to expect them to put their cups when finished in the kitchen instead of all over the lounge? They ask if they can borrow things like toiletries which I say yes but they never put them back so I have to go searching for them in their room.
They borrow their little sisters things (my DD) and take them home never to be seen again.
They are coming to stay with us in half term and to be honest I am dreading it. All I seem to do when they are here is clean up after them and there is never any thanks. I do love them but have to admit I find it hard to like them at the moment.
Friends say oh it is just teenagers but it is doing my head in.
I resent them going in my or my DDs room and borrowing things without sometimes asking and never putting them back.
I resent spending all day making the house look nice and making a nice big family meal to find them leave the table without offering to help.
I guess most of all I resent them invading my space at home. This sounds mean and I dont mean it too but I cannot even have a conversation with my DH without the older DSD (13) coming into the room and asking what we are talking about and wanting to know everything.
Last week we all were out for a family occassion (14 of us). The younger DSD (11) wanted to go in one of the other family members cars and I said No (as then my two would have wanted to travel in other cars and we were in a rush to get to a restaurant and all the other kids were asking to move cars) My older DSD said to her to go in another car and I had to get DH to say no as neither listened to me and I was not being awkward.
I feel bad that I feel like this but even DH says they are lazy, rude and ungrateful.

Umm .... I hate to say it, but I don't think t his is a "step" issue. It's a teenage thing. My dsd can be like this too. I've found "dsd please could you go and pick up the wet towel from your bedroom floor" said calmly is more effective than a hissy fit, lol (and I've done both!).

I am sure it probably is a teenage thing. I just feel a bit bad cos whenever they come all I seem to do is moan and feel prickly all the time. I don't want to be like that but they seem to get my back up.
I tell them off and then I seem to be the wicked witch/stepmother.
Their mother seems to let them get away with things.
The last five or six times they have come. The 11 year old never has appropriate clothing.
Their mother lets them pack their clothes and never checks. The younger one comes with summer clothing when it is minus 5 outside.
Last weekend (we were going out with the family for a meal) she came with a pair of shorts and some tights and that was it.
I had to lend her a pair of my trousers.
DH wanted to go out and buy her some clothes and I said no as this keep happening and I am sick of it.
Sorry to rant but don't feel I can say all this to DH

I think buying them some clothes to keep at yours is a sensible idea. We've always had clothes for dsd here. Don't you think it would be one less hassle if you did? They wouldn't need much for a weekend, a pair of jeans, couple of tops and a jumper maybe?

I agree completely with Surfermum.

My DSSs are 13 and 11 and the 13 year old is getting all teenagery and hormonal. Last night he didn't want to eat any supper at all (supper shopped for and chosen specially for him) because he had stuffed his face with bread and Nutella at 6pm. We had quite a go at him.

You do need to reign your DSDs in, and you need to explain that they cannot have their growing independence without more responsibilities. You will not be doing them any kind of favour by letting them get away with whatever they please.

Yes, keep some clothes at your house.

DSS1 can manage his clothes (he's quite vain) but DSS2 is a catastrophe, so we have some t-shirts and sweaters here for him (he manages his jeans OK) so that he looks decent and is warmly dressed when he is here.

Hi mumof2monsters - have only read your OP so sorry if its been said already or thread changed directio but, it doesn't sounds like a step parent issue - particularly as you say its always previuosly been ok. It sounds like a teenage issue. My 12 yr old has become truly vile recently - answering back , tutting , hmmming and generally behaving vile.

It is harder for you as she's not your own so you cna't deal with her as you'd probably like to but iwould , in your shoes, hav ea quiet word that you know lots of changes at the moment and she's not a little girl any more and you're always there to talk and repsect that but equally she must respect your authority/wishes whilst she's in your house.

Then, so that she's got something concrete to go on , I would mention borrowing things ( whether toiletires or things from yuor dd room) and that its sometimes difficult to remember to put things back but htat you'd like her to remember plesae. give one solid concerete example wityhout any emotional baggage attached and see wehther that works.

godd luck...

Dsd missed her last weekend with us because of the snow. Dh had to phone her and say he didn't think he'd be able to come and get her.

"Fine" she says "you obviously don't want to see me Dad" and hangs up the phone. ROFL . Never mind that the road is actually blocked and the police are saying don't drive.

Typical teenager that, Surfermum. Dd stomped off to her room in a temper because I asked her to make some soup when I was ill at the weekend. She came down half an hour later and couldn't understand what the fuss was about, of course she was going to make soup, now if I'd only listened to her in the first place....

Teens, who'd have 'em?

They're great aren't they (not)!

She phoned the next morning and the conversation went like this:

"are you coming to get me or what Dad?"
"what are the roads like there?"
"I don't know"
"well look outside! I tell you what walk to the end of your road and see what the main road is like, if traffic is getting along it Ok I will try and get to you"

Half an hour later

"are you coming to get me or what Dad?"
"well what is the main road like?"
"I don't know"

Her mum's response when he spoke to her was "I've already told her she's being bloody stupid, there's no way you can come". Thank heavens the days of if he went he'd be called irresponsible and if he didn't uncaring!

whoops posted too early - thank heavens those days are over!

My dsd is 21 now and we still have some of this stuff (sorry!). It is a teenage thing but it is particularly hard as a step parent as you don't have the hormones/bond to keep you hooked in but somehow there is an expectation that you can be endlessly patient and "love them as your own". I routinely see step parents get a much harder time on here than parents. It is hard and I would dread half term too in the circumstances. The key, I think, is to talk to your dp. If you are in this together, it is much, much easier. Good luck!!