is it always like this

[prettyfly1]

my partner and i have on ds and a ds for his first relationship. He is a good boy and whilst i cant say i love him like my own, since he came into the family i have attempted to treat him with the same kindness, fairness and respect that i treat my genetic son with. I bought him christmas presents because my partner is a student and has no income, i do his homework with him and help out making school costumes etc. He wouldnt eat anything apart from sausages when he got here and now after months of carefully involving him in the cooking process and getting him to try new things, he has a varied and healthy diet, despite still being a little picky. I do crafts with them both (when i am not at work i run my own company and it takes fourteen hour days at times) and generally think i am doing ok. He had never been disciplined before and i have different rules so we worked compromises round getting him used to new routines (he is wiht us 50 percent so he had to). And he is doing very well.

I also made it very clear to his mother that whilst i wanted to be a good influence I am not his mother and if she has things done a certain way to tell me and I would make sure this happens, to enable consistency and fairness and so she didnt feel pushed out. I have issues with the fact that she dumps him on a weekly basis, changes access every week and is stealing from the government but on the whole I keep my mouth shut and grit my teeth for dss sake.

My problem is that despite being the person who pays for him and looks after him fifty percent of the time, his mother treats me like shit. Yesterday was the final straw. We got a call at 7.30 from dh xs mother who was supposed to be looking after dss when he was sick. dss was crying in pain, his mum had gone to work and was refusing to come home so she called us. I said i would take him as dp had to go to college. Dh x said "no as he needs love, I want you to get your mum to do it (his mum is seventy one and ill so we are trying to stoip this). So we said no. Kept in contact through the day to check he was ok. As soon as dhx got home from her job at three thirty she asked us to come and get him as she was tired, couldnt handle him, had to go out last night and didnt want to drop him off this morning. We said ok but she needed to be aware that i would be looking after him today when dh went to college. Again she started screaming and shouting, when we tried to help. DH told her to stop and put the phone down. Ten minutes later her mother calls - it gets sorted and we are having him. Ten minutes after that her mother calls again and puts a distressed dss on the phone saying he only wants to go to nannies house. Not here. Obviosuly coached which was confirmed when we asked him today.

I am sorry but i have almost had enough of being reasonable. To manipulate a child to get your own way is sick. He is here today and is very happy. He is not unwell but we kept him off again to be sure. But what else am i supposed to do. I am nice to her, nice to the child, as involved as i can be and now i feel like what is the point. I am obviously not important despite the fact that i do bloody everything for him and it feels like piss taking. How do you guys bond with a child when you know you will be abused for it. I am struggling and i was really offended yesterday because i am trying my hardest to be supportive of her and the child and i cant bloody win.

All you can do is be there for your dp and his child and in time he'll realise what a flake his mother is. He'll probably be an ungrateful little sod til he's older but if you're in for the long haul it'll pay dividends in the end.

Good luck, wouldn't it be much easier without exes to complicate things!!

i sooooooo know what youre talking about. Its been said on here before that step-parenting is a thankless task. Thats an understatement.

I just suck it all in, try and remain calm and continue to be supportive of the ex, my dh and my ds. Eventually, EVENTUALLY the shit and the hassle will end and you can hold you head high and know that you behaved well, even if she didnt. That will earn you huge respect from your DP and your DSS, even if it doesnt from the ex. (actually ive discovereed that the nicer and more accommodating I am, the worse she becomes which means it obviously annoys her! Bonus!!)

It's hard isn't it? Of course you feel offended, you are being lovely, helpful, kind, reasonable and it feels like it's just thrown back in your face.

I had it for years with dsd's mum. She maintained for a long time that dsd was nothing to do with me, but when it came to something like making costumes for her school plays and book days etc it was a different story. I'd have a day's notice to get them because dsd would arrive on a Friday and need to take it back on the Sunday night, so I'd rush around, get it all sorted and then wouldn't be able to go to the play because dsd's mum wouldn't let me (and although I probably could have done, I didn't see the need to be antagonistic). It used to make me feel really sad, and actually I hated the fact that dsd could probably see what was going on too. But someone at work said to me "she is going to look back on that and say my stepmum was great".

Can you hang onto the fact that you are doing the right thing by your dss? I used to get mad about it, upset and hurt. But then I'd think ahead to the future and think at some point I may have to explain my behaviour to dsd. I always have these what I call "kitchen table" conversations and imagine dsd and I sat talking over coffee when she's in her 20's or 30's. I'd hate for her to turn round to me and say "actually surfer you never helped matters because you did or said xyz".

But it's horrible isn't it when you are just trying to be nice and you aren't met even part of the way. It doesn't sound to me like it's a reflection on you, more a reflection on her - try to remember that.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and he's lucky to have you.

awwww- thanks guys. Its so tough - I dont want to get in her face and lol - yes he can be an ungrateful little you know what - one who knows how to play at least one side - but I bear in mind that he is a little boy who has faced massive change and upheaval and whilst i dont allow his behaviour here I do make allowances for it.

Like you guys I think just gritting my teeth for a few years. Its funny what you said about school plays etc cause last night when i was really annoyed I actually said "right then - she wants to see me care? I am going to go to all of the school plays, all of the sports days all of the parents evenings. " I wouldnt actually do it but god it would drive her mental. And to the person who said being nice seem s to make her worse - that is so true. Dss motehr seems to take it as a personal insult the more pleasant I am.

Thanks for just understanding!!!xxx

Yes, dsd's mum would have loved it if I had been the wicked stepmother. Or if I'd spoken to her like she did to me. It would have given her a proper reason to hate me.

She doesn't hate me any more ... at least I don't think so! She talks to me now, and she even phoned me for some advice about her youngest dd (not dh's). And when I had a big argument with dsd and she really upset me she told me that dsd had never gone home and said anything bad about me. And she said her behaviour had never been about me, it was all her stuff. That was great to hear and a big thing for her to say. It was a conversation where we cleared a lot of air and it was great.

So don't think it will always be like this, it isn't necessarily going to be so. And looking back I think my tack of trying to avoid pissing her off if I could worked.

Thanks surfermum. I shall have to wait and see how it goes with dss mum but it certainly isnt easy.

Why have you got so involved with your DP's ex.
My DP does most of the childcare for DSD including dealing with the ex.
I don't get involved with DP's ex at all. She tried to make demands on me ("Elenor should do what I want because I'm DP's partner" ) I didn't play ball, there was/is no way that I would take being ordered about by her. Basically I don't talk to her at all, save for cool and polite hellos when we rarely meet.
In the beginning I thought she would want to meet me and ask me about myself, but she never bothered. Now I'm glad I didnt. I think its better to let DP deal with her, though of course it's still not easy.
I fellow stepmum who in real life told me she wished she had not stepped in and tried to negotiate with her DH's ex. She figured she was a reasonable person and so would be able get some sense out of the ex. After a good many years she wished she had not bothered as life became so difficult with her DH's ex. She learnt the hard way tht you cannot reason with unreasonable people.

I have next to nothing to do with her - the only reason this blew up is because I offered to have her ds when he was sick and noone on her side was coping - in other words tried to help. I have no intention of being her friend and do not reason with her. My dp does all of the contact, although I have always maintained a veneer of good communication as we both have the same child in our lives and bickering and argueing between us would not help. On the childcare issue however the child lives with us fifty percent of the time and we have another child. If i left it to dp then dss would think i didnt care and only cared about mine, which would damage him. I do think all the time that taking a step out of his life would be easier for me but one day he will be a grown up and i dont want him to think he wasnt cared for.

I think you're right prettyfly with your approach. I think we're a team of 3 where dsd is concerned. I'm not her mum but I am another significant adult in her life. If she is here then dh or I look after her, just like we would with dd, and I think if she were local either of us would be able to help at times when dsd were ill. But it's certainly a hell of a lot easier to be that 3rd person now that dsd's mum is willing to acknowledge my role.

Have you got any idea prettyfly why she might have a problem with you? When I worked out what was going on for dsd's mum it help make it feel a lot less personal for me (although it was still very hard).

DSD does not feel uncared for by me. I do loads of things with/for DSD and we have a really good relationship!
Importantly though I have never tread on her parents territory. I am another significant adult to her, like an aunt I suppose.
Ultimately though her dad is way more important than me.
DP has had a very close hands on relationship with DSD since before I came along.
He cooked for her, changed her naps, rejoiced when she finally mastered her toilet training!
Those things are still in place especially since DP did not until very recently bond with our 17 month DD. I was left with the vast majority of care for our DD.

elenor that actually made me feel sad. My partner was in that situation - the ex had a child from her first relationship when he met her and when thier son came along it was left to dp to parent him totally - her attitude was "i did five years alone now its your turn" even to the point of them not doing things at weekends. Are things sorted now - i understand from your other contributions that you have had it tough as a family but i would be so uncomfortable with the seperation in that way??

Its just the way it's worked out really with one thing and another.
Things are getting better with DD and DP. He was left with issues that kind of interfered with him bonding with DD. He has been through one hell of a time in the last 5 years.
Things will even out hopefully regarding DD and DP. Atm I have to drive DD to nursery morning and evening which takes about 2 hours per day. DP doesnt drive so thats left to me. DD will move to nursery within walking distance of our home so then DP will be able to do the nursery run! DP's holidays are currently taken up with mostly with looking after DSD during school holidays, but should ease soon as DP now has flexi working and can build up hours.
Other things like doing the school run for DSD I have never done as DP wants to do that. Also handovers at the ex's are all done by him.
I can see what you mean about the separation of responsibility.I guess we are just muddling along working with options we have.

Do you know, I think thats all we can do. I do think it must be difficult for you tho. Your dp puts so much into one child that it seems to almost override everything else. I can imagine when he has had to fight so hard for her it would seem almost wrong for him to do anything else but he has two beautiful daughters now and they both need him to be the involved, careing dad he sounds, I really hope it gets easier for you.

oh and surfer in answer to your question i am not sure it isnt liking me. Dp reckons that if i looked after dss when ill and did a good job ex would feel threatened that he preferred me and would "love me more" which is nonsense but i can kind of understand it.