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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

When should I tell our DDs that they have a half sister in Australia?

18 replies

ohsnap · 09/02/2009 21:02

Not sure if this is the right section for this question but hoping there is someone wise here...

DH was married before and has a nearly 10 year old daughter (who we shall call A) who now lives in Australia with XW and her partner of 7/8 years. All is amicable and settled, no hard feelings on either side (as far as we know!) but we don't really have contact with them. When they moved abroad about 18 months ago, we hadn't seen A for about a year and there was no farewell meeting or anything. XW told A about her 2 new half sisters but she wasn't fussed about meeting them and doesn't really want contact with DH now (her words: "I don't know him, it'd be weird").

What I want to know is when we should tell our DDs about A. If we tell them now I'm not sure they'd understand, DD2 certainly wouldn't as she is only almost 2, DD1 is 3.5. If I leave it until they're in their teens I can imagine them being upset about not being told sooner, but where is the line? And if I do tell them, will they want to contact her? Will that annoy A and XW?

Any advice/experience, please throw it all my way, thankyouverymuch.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CarGirl · 09/02/2009 21:07

I would ask for annual photos of A and have them displayed in your home and when your dds ask who it is tell them in a factual way. do not end up with secrets - that's when problems start!

KingCanuteIAm · 09/02/2009 21:08

If I were you I would jst make sure that A is always cropping up in conversation. They are young enough now that they wouldn't question having a half sister and, if you keep talking about her, by the time they are old enough to ask questions there won't need to be a big revelation because it will be something that they have always known.

This way they can ask questions as they go along and it shouldn't seem weird to them. You can also deal with the visitng thing to as you can make sure they always know that they need to wait until they are grown up before they can visit.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/02/2009 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ohsnap · 09/02/2009 21:16

DD1 saw a photo of A a few months back and asked who she was, I said 'someone Daddy used to know' and she didn't ask any more. For some reason I felt very uncomfortable at the thought of explaining it. I think I'm a bit worried about the questions, eg, 'Daddy left XW and A, is he going to leave us too' type of thing. How do you answer those questions?

I think DD1 understands about sisters, she tells me that DD2 is her sister because they both came from my tummy, how is she going to understand that A is also her sister even though she isn't from me IYSWIM?

I think you're all right about the casual mentions, just not sure how to start it!

OP posts:

morningpaper · 09/02/2009 21:17

agree 100% with cargirl

cat64 · 09/02/2009 21:19

This reply has been deleted

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ScummyMummy · 09/02/2009 21:20

Agree with cargirl 100%

cluelessnchaos · 09/02/2009 21:22

ASAP, DH had a half sister in oz who he only found out about at the age of 25, he was incredibly hurt and lost respect for his mum and dad. If they grow up hearing about her it wont seem unusual to them, wheras if it is a formal announcement at the age of 6 it will seem daunting to them.

Surfermum · 09/02/2009 21:30

Dd (5) has a half-sister, but one who is a lot. I explain to her that dsd's mum and Daddy used to live together, but they decided they didn't really want to do that anymore so stopped living together, and then Daddy met me and we got married. I've kept it very simple and it hasn't worried her that dh and I will also split up.

I've told her that dsd's mum and Daddy made dsd, and that Daddy and I made her and because they have the same Daddy that makes them sisters. It's possibly easier for dd to understand as dsd has 3 other siblings at her mums and they all have different dads, so I guess to both dsd and dd it's the norm to have half-siblings.

What a shame she lives so far away now . How come there wasn't much contact before they moved?

piximon · 09/02/2009 21:40

My dcs are 6 and under, they have a half sister who they do not see, (I blame distance but really it's her mother) but I mention her name to my dcs fairly often, the oldest (6 & 4) have only met her once a few years ago. They do not really understand the situation, but having found loads of skeletons in my parents closets as an adult, I feel it very important not to keep such secrets from my own dcs.

Try to keep a photo around, up to date if possible, so they grown up knowing of her and if the time comes that she decides to contact you/them she'll not be a complete stranger and also not able to throw it in anyone's face that they didn't give a .

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/02/2009 21:44

ASAP, I found out about my half brother at 33, Dad won't talk about him, I have no idea what his name is and it hurts.

Haribosmummy · 09/02/2009 21:48

Totally agree with Cargirl. Display photos, keep in touch (in whatever sense), don't make a big deal for your kids and they'll never know anything different...

It'll be OK.

KingCanuteIAm · 09/02/2009 21:54

Why would you tell a 3yo that you dp left his xw and dd? These things are only as complicated as you make them. If they ask why xw and dd don't live with you all (it would never occur to them that dp had left if you don't say that) then you can just say that xw and dd like it in Australia because of the weather/kangeroos/sailing or whatever.

Your children, at this stage, only have the experience you have given them. If they have not experienced being left then they will not expect to be left. You can make it as fun and positive as you like. Start off small with a photo and a few sketchy details then maybe coincidelty be looking at a map and use it to show your dds where they live, the palces they/you/close family have been on holidays then drop in "ooh, look this is where A lives with her mum - do you know it takes a whole day and night to fly there on an aeroplane" When you see a kangeroo on TV say "ooh that is what they have in Australia where A is". You don't need to bludgeon them with it, just keep a gentle drip feed of positive and interesting information going in.

I agree that annual pics would be a great idea too.

Aefondkiss · 09/02/2009 22:06

"A is the first dd that daddy had with his xp.."? It will only become a big deal if you make it one, you just have to be natural (as possible), start soon, at 3 some children can understand more than you might expect.

Original poster

ohsnap · 09/02/2009 22:20

Fivegomad, that's exactly the sort of thing I want to avoid! Sorry you're in that situation

KingCanute, you have a good point there, I suppose she won't ask about what she has no experience of/doesn't know exists. I guess we're lucky that she's somewhere exciting/exotic, it's more interesting talking about kangaroos than concrete cows! (sorry to anyone in MK, of course!)

DH has just sent a FB message to XW to ask for some photos, when they arrive we'll put them up and make sure she comes up in conversation. Perhaps it's time to buy a globe too...

Thanks all, you've certainly given me something to think about and it doesn't seem half as daunting now.

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 09/02/2009 22:30

Am glad you feel more in charge of it now, it is really refreshing to see someone 1 worrying about something like this and 2 actually wanting to do somehting about it (rather than doing an ostritch.

A close friend of mine found out at 35 years old that his father was not his father and that his bio. father had actually lived 3 streets away all of his life. He found out when his mother pointed to the obituary in the paper and said "that's your real dad you know".

Original poster

ohsnap · 09/02/2009 22:57

That's terrible, what a coward!

I came from a very ordinary stable home you see, and I find things to do with step/half siblings very alien to me, thank you once again mners for educating me in the ways of the world beyond my door!

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 10/02/2009 11:55

I know, I was preety horrified when he told me what had happened (and continue to be horrified that she still won't tell him anything at all about his father "why do you need to know, he is not important, he's dead now anyway...)

I think it is difficut to step outside your own experiences. It is great that we have a resource such as this to garner opinion and information. (No wonder previous generations made so many mistakes )

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