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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advice on my partners ex wife and her stopping me from seeing their daughter

20 replies

frustratedmummy · 03/02/2009 17:38

I have been with my partner for around 4 months now and have met his daughter quite a few times. We get on well and she gets on with my children great. However she is very controlling and basically if my partner doesn't do what she wants then she refuses to let him take her to see me. Does he have any rights regarding this? I have never done anything nsty to his little girl and know full well this is being done to try and ruin our relationship. In turn he will not come round when he has his daughter because he is scared she will stop him seeing her full stop. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 03/02/2009 17:42

I was told by a family solicitor that my xp could stop dd1 living with my current partner but would need good reason to do so.

I don't think she can stop him taking his daughter to see you. Does your partner have any offical visitation rights? I'd consider seeing a solictor to set some up if she is threatening to stop him seeing his child.

unavailable · 03/02/2009 17:53

Your relationship is quite new. Maybe your partners ex is trying to sheild her daughter from getting too attached to you and your children in case it doesnt last and the child would then be upset?

Why cant you just see your new partner at the times he doesnt have his daughter for now. If you dont press the issue, and your relationship progresses, his ex may be more relaxed about contact in the future.

Kicking up a fuss will just make ex dig her heels in and put a strain on your relationship.

ScarletA · 03/02/2009 18:01

I'd go with unavailable's advice... irritating though it may be. As a stepmother myself to 3 kids and 2 exes it is essential to keep good relations with the mum. If you are seen to be on no one's side, just the kids', then it is the best place to be (and I know because I am super nice to both my DPs exes who love me - really, they do.) This takes time and patience and being The Adult - sometimes the only one when the exes are arguing with each other.

Good luck - it is a precarious balancing act you have to do as stepmum.

Original poster

frustratedmummy · 03/02/2009 18:42

I have tried to be adult about things. We did fall out at one point but I asked her to meet up so we could sort things out. We did and she was willing to let her daughter see me then something happened on Facebook (I removed her boyfriend from my friends and had 2 people she didn't like) and she then refused once again to let her daughter see me. She basically uses her daughter as a weapon against my partner. They were together a long time (7 years) and his daughter is nearly 6 so it is not like she is really young. I just wanted to know really where my ex stood as we have spoken about what would happen if he moved in, the ex wife said he wouldn't be allowed to bring her round here.

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 03/02/2009 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

frustratedmummy · 03/02/2009 19:28

Well my partner has decided that he is going to the Solicitors as she threatens huim about not seeing his daughter if he does something she doesn't like and he has basically had enough. Hopefully one day she will start acting a bit more grown up for the sake of her daughter.

OP posts:

ScarletA · 05/02/2009 15:08

Can I ask why your partner and his ex split up - and how long ago it was? It sounds like she hasn't really moved on in some fundamental way because she is still behaving in these destructive ways around access.

My DPs second partner was like this at first and she, he and their son had a very difficult time of it for a few years. I always tried to keep out of it as much as possible, largely because I sympathised with both sides! But I think it helps the poor child/ren in the middle if you try and remain the neutral one - and never ever say (or do) anything bad about the mum in the child's presence.

My DP certainly thought about seeing a solicitor but as time went by, things generally calmed down and now they get on better. She certainly has no problems with their son coming over ever 2 weekends - she likes the break! She even takes our 2 sometimes for a weekend as well, which is great.

What I am trying to say I suppose is that its very early days for you all and that perhaps the best you can do is stay as neutral and kind to everyone as you can. Hard I know, but possible.

skramble · 05/02/2009 15:18

I would thing 4 mths is still very soon, and I would maybe take a ste back from all this and let them sort out their arrangements, I think you are not the centre of the problem.

Maybe he needs to concentrate on sorting out things with his exW regarding arrangements to see his DD. Perhaps the exW is jst not happy with DD seeing his partner just yet and I think 4mths into a relationship could be a bit soon. It all depends on the children and the parents current arrangements. If the mother is the main carer then she will want to be in control of what happens with her children. She is letting him see his daughter.

I think you can get on with your relationship with this man without worrying about seeing his daughter, you have only been together for 4 months. I really don't think you need to be having meetings with the exW to sort things out.

skramble · 05/02/2009 15:19

Oh and I wouldn't say she was being destructive, protective perhaps, but then she is the mother.

mrsjammi · 06/02/2009 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piratecat · 06/02/2009 08:47

weapon?

well i am not sure about that, but sorry 6 IS young. Its is a hugely tender age.

That little girl is getting to grips with the fact her mum and dad aren't together anymore. Her world has turned upside down, and tbh you should stop with the jealousy, and annoyance, becuase you have got a better deal than this kid atm.

piratecat · 06/02/2009 08:48

4 months is very early on.

my dd is nearly (yes i do have exp) is 4 yrs on, and still traumatised. It's gone like this becuase the grown ups wanted it all to be super smooth, and to go their own way.

piratecat · 06/02/2009 08:49

nearly 7

edam · 06/02/2009 08:53

piratecat's right, this isn't about you. Four months is a very new relationship and I think it's reasonable that the mother wants to wait until it's more stable before getting their daughter involved with you.

The Facebook thing sounds very childish on all parts. Leave it alone!

edam · 06/02/2009 08:54

And the poor kid has enough to deal with without the adults throwing their toys out of the pram - even IF the mother was being unreasonable, your job is to stay out of it atm.

piratecat · 06/02/2009 09:08

form my exp, i think the new partner's are keen for it all to be hunky dory. They and indeed te dads have no idea what the children go thru on a dialy basis.

tears at bedtime, sleepless nights, feelings of rejection. If a new partner then starts to push the 'but i want to meet and be with your dd/ds' the 'dad' feels pressured, and ime makes stupid decisions based on his and new partner's desires for ia ll to be happy.

for example.

the mother might have been trying to be neutral, and encourage the child to visit. The child might go along with it to please the dad or the mother. The child might change his/her mind, becuase it hurts or becuase they are scared. Don't take it personally.

mother has to tell the dad, who gets in a mood.

she gets no recognition for all the hours and minutes spent trying to be fair.

Surfermum · 06/02/2009 15:58

It doesn't sound like the mother is concerned about the contact because of her dd. She was perfectly happy for it to happen but stopped it because of something that happened on Facebook, which is ridiculous. That's not about the child.

It sounds like a case of you do something I don't like and I will show you who is in control. We used to have it all the time. If dh dared to approach his x about anything he was told his dd was nothing to do with him when she was with her mum, and next thing he knew she wouldn't answer her phone for the weekly phone call (all he was allowed) and she'd get difficult about contact.

We spent years treading on eggshells around her and basically accepting that there was no way that dh could ever raise a concern about his dd with her otherwise contact was affected. We decided it was better to do this and minimise the amount of friction between dh and his x for dsd's sake than to raise concerns.

I don't see anywhere where FM has been jealous. Her dsd's mum clearly has a problem with fact that her ex has a new partner. What were the circumstances of their break up and how long ago was it FM? Has she got a new partner?

I agree with Edam, this little girl doesn't need to be put in the position of being between her mum and her dad, so if at all possible try not to antagonise her. What sort of things does she ask of your partner? What would instigate her refusing to let him take her to see you?

marie1979 · 08/02/2009 18:10

i dont think you are an issue i think as long as she sees her dad thats great but you have no rights

2rebecca · 09/02/2009 14:11

I think both parents should be able to introduce their children to whoever they want though.
My ex lets my kids meet whoever he wants whenever he has them and I let them meet whoever I want when I have them. Too often the resident parent will have 1 set of rules for them and one for the nonres parent. I wouldn't go to a lwyer etc though. If the relationship last it will soon become silly to stop the girl meeting you, plus her dad will be talking about you. If you live together then she will end up seeing you as well, and if you marry that makes stroppiness on the exes part look very silly. Give things time. It's good for dads (and mums)to have time alone with their kids anyway.

ElenorRigby · 12/02/2009 15:41

Four months into relationship is pretty early to be making demands imo and pretty early to even be meeting your bf's child.
I met DSD after 5+ months of going out with DP and even then I was introduced as a friend of daddy's.
In theory no your bf's ex cannot dictate who her child sees when the child is with her ex but why go out of the way to cause trouble?
So on two fronts I would say take things more slowly ie dont piss off the ex too much and dont rush in to be seen as daddys gf too early.

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