I HATE BEING A STEPMUM/SECOND FIDDLE

[jojo38]

I don't know about anyone else but I feel so alone in my 2nd time round marriage.
I have two children who are with me, and dh has two from his previous.

It has been an uphill struggle I can tell you. What with a demented BM, crackers sd and off the wall hyperactive ss, I have had it up to my eyeballs and wished I never set eyes on the man who has managed to turn my life upside down!!

I feel as though I am constantly battling with dh. He is so different with his own kids than with mine. He criticises mine so much it hurts me to hear it, yet his can do no wrong, the sun shines from all crevices and backsides. He treats them so differently and I don't feel this is fair.

Dh will not find anything remotely positive about my children, or me come to that... huh, I have just realised. Silly cow I am.
I am forever patching up what he has damaged in our own relationship, as well as the damage he causes in his relationship with my children!

He will take days off work to spend with his son when he visits, yet he will ignore my two sons! Thankfully not when his is here but it is so noticable that any "fun" is had only when ss is here.
My children notice it too.

I feel so dreadfully alone in parenting my own children yet have to make allowances for the skids... as I know we need to.
His get away with "murder", yet mine have to put up with his crap all the time.

I sometimes wish I never remarried. I don't like being a stepmum, I hate it.
I am the parent whilst he is the child,especially when ss turns up.
I end up being the nag who has to remind ss of his table manners every 2 minutes, pick up the crud all over the house because they are all so blinkin lazy and, oh well, ss is here so lets just have fun...

yeah, right. I wish I could disappear with my two kids and live with them - alone... bring them up on my own, without the crap of step families.

I know I probably haven't made much sense but I needed to rant... sorry.

Hope you feel better after your rant, I can fully relate to what you are saying I think that most stepmums feel this way at some point, so you are not alone.

Weekends with the skids are hard sometimes. Your partner wants to have fun with his kids because he is feeling guilty about not being there for them everyday, you, (on the other hand) have to do more work without any rewards because of extra kids in the house and its only natural that it can result in resentment and bad feeling. Your partner's reward is that he gets to spend time with his kids, where's your reward?

Your DH should help more and disipline his kids, because if it is always left up to you it makes you seem like the wicked step mother, he should back you up and make it clear that it is both of you that find certain behaviour unaceptable.

I know what your talking about when you have to pick-up ss on his table manners, when I first met my sd (then 5yrs old) she was eating her meals with her hands and was unable to use a knife or fork or daddy was feeding her as if she was a baby!!!!

DP thought I was being unreasonable when I insisted that she be taught how to use a knife and fork, it wasn't until a year later he saw my grandson at 14 months old feeding himself beautifully that he looked across at his DD eating her sunday roast with her hands (then 6 yrs old) and decided that the time had eventually come for her to use a knife and fork!!!!

I probably haven't helped, but I wanted you to know you are not alone and many, many of us have these feelings and they are natural, but we have a good rant, get things off our chests, pick ourselves up and get on with it because after all there are some good times to be had in the present and future, and at the end of the day we do love our partners/husbands or we wouldn't be there.

Jojo I think you've posted about your DH before, and it's not so much step parenting that is the problem (or needs to be such a problem), but how much support you get from your DH.

Of course step-parenting is tough, but it's impossible if your DH doesn't support you and from what I remember from your previous postings, the problem is not so much with your step-children themselves, as with how crap your DH is as a partner to you - am I misremembering about him not backing you up in your attempts to step-parent effectively?

Bottom line is that if you two are not united, you will never enjoy being a step-mother. Some people do it very effectively and well, and (cripes!) even enjoy it, but they have a united front with their partners. If you don't have that, then you really can't function as a stepmother imo. (Well actually, I think you can't function very well as any kind of parent if you are constantly being undermined, but particularly as a step-parent - it's a very tough job and you can't do it on your own - you really need your DH to back you up on this one, otherwise you are bound to fail.)

Sorry things are still so difficult for you.

Oh and sorry if I'm remembering you wrongly as well!

jojo I agree with Caligula, I do think it sounds as though your DH is the one with the problem not you, your kids or even your skids for that matter! I know it sounds extremely harsh, but to be honest if I were you I would have walked a long time ago. If your DH is not prepared to take yours and your kids feelings into account then why should you bother with him and his kids? It takes two to tango hun and I think you are being led a right merry dance.

I have to agree I'm afraid, it really does sound as though its one rule for your dh and his kids and a different rule for you and yours. At the end of the day if he loves you he has to accept your children in the same way as you accept his.

I hope things work out for you....how are things now and better? xx

Good luck Jojo.

Other than the children do you and Dh have fun together? Inbetween the bad times do you laugh and share affection? Does the bad stuff outway the good times? Think very carefully about this over time and in your heart you will know what to do. Don't be afraid of the answer. If you choose to try and improve things at home then DH has got to support you in making things better or your choice has been made for you. I really wish you the best. Lets hope that over this year things change for the better....but they only will if you take action! Go girl

Hi all
Thank you all so much for your replies.

No, Caligula - you have remembered me and DH well enough.

You are so right. I know what the problem is. I am just hoping there is another way.

Squirrel, you have helped, thank you so much... and the rest of you.... I do really appreciate your help.

I am sorry it has taken me some time to reply, I lost you for a while.. my pc packed up. I am sorry.

Hugs and thanks to all.