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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am i being over sensitive?? Opinions please.

27 replies

minkersmum · 26/01/2009 22:03

I have been with my partner since dc1 was 10 months. We now have two other dc's also. they are all under 5. My partner treats them all equally and loves dc1 like his own despite dc1 having regular contact with his biological father. Because dc1 was so young when we got together he has grown up knowing my partners parents as grandparents. Up until now they have always been treated the same.
Last week my partners father asked for dc2 and dc3 bank a/c numbers to invest some money for them. Both myself and partner hurt and offended that he wants to make a difference between them. We feel different if dc1 a much older child but my partner is raising 3 kids not 2 and we treat them all exactly the same.
We have more or less said its 3 of them or none of them, its so not about the money and would prefer the whole episode hadn't happened because we feel it has made his feelings clear.

Its his money but i feel i would be letting my child down to let this happen. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

hester · 26/01/2009 22:16

YANBU. Really, really not.

TheInnocentBystander · 26/01/2009 22:18

No you are not. How upsetting for you.

CarGirl · 26/01/2009 22:20

Hmmm I'm on the bench. YANBU but if your ex was investing money for your DC1 would it make a difference?

I wouldn't expect my IL's to treat my eldest the same as my little ones because she gets financial things are little ones don't get IYWIM?

thehairybabysmum · 26/01/2009 22:38

No, i would feel the same i think.

Original poster

minkersmum · 26/01/2009 22:59

My ex pays bare minimal maintenance but thats it. Doesn't contribute to all things like clubs, activities, etc
No idea if he is investing anything, he also has new partner and child and remains tight and secretive!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 23:03

no YANBU. My sis got together with her DP a few years back, 3 months into the relationship a girl he had had a 3 week fling with at the beginning of that year phoned and said he was the dad of her daughter. To cut a very long story short, my sis became her de facto mum when the baby was about 6mo as her real mum disappeared. Since then, my sis and her DP have had 2 more DDs, and they are all treated equally by my parents, even though they are not biologically or even legally related to the oldest one.

Original poster

minkersmum · 26/01/2009 23:14

i know he doesn't love my dc1 the way he loves the others but this is like him putting it in writing and that hurts me and makes me feel fiercely protective of my child, of all my children.

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 26/01/2009 23:15

This reply has been deleted

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mrsjammi · 26/01/2009 23:17

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Original poster

minkersmum · 26/01/2009 23:22

my ex was always tight and miserable, he pays way below csa levels and gets away with it because he is the company director and can easily make it look like he earns less.
He is as involved in my childs life as much as he wants to be, he has a new partner and child too.

my ex isn't the one making the difference here tho its my fil and that is up to him, i just think in our circumstances it stinks but grateful for your opinion.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 23:27

can i ask, minkersmum, would it make a difference if your DP adopted your oldest DC? Would your ex allow that, do you think? Would your DP be up for it? Just a thought..

mrsjammi · 26/01/2009 23:30

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BrownSuga · 26/01/2009 23:32

A sensible post as always MrsJammi. I completely agree.

ChippingIn · 27/01/2009 00:03

Minkersmum - I would be hurt and sad, but I think really it would be that I was being made to face the truth - that there is a difference between DC1 and DC's 2&3. As I don't know your FIL (clearly) it is hard to say what his motivation is, but I think it's probably as others have said, he feels DC1 will get an inheritance from his Bio Fathers side of the family. If I were your FIL, I think I would have discussed this with you before making my decision and if you didn't feel that that was likely, set the 3 up the same.

However, whatever his reasoning is, I think I would come to terms with it and not let it cloud the relationship, so long as it was only this one big thing. If it were little things like Christmas presents, Birthday presents, treats etc then I would have to have DH tell him this is not acceptable.

thumbwitch · 27/01/2009 00:56

I suppose my sis's situation is different as well in that her DSD doesn't know she is a SD. Initially my sis was all for keeping her in the know, but since her biol mum hasn't seen her since her 1st b'day (she is now over 5) and there has never really been a right time to tell her, nor would she necessarily understand at this stage, and she looks remarkably like her 2 half-sisters, I'm not sure when (if at all) my sis is going to tell her. So it is more important from that pov that she is treated no different from the other 2.

In your case, your oldest does have a dad whom he presumably knows - does he see him/ his paternal grandparents?

mrsjammi · 27/01/2009 01:35

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Original poster

minkersmum · 27/01/2009 09:27

"my partner is raising 3 kids not 2 and we treat them all exactly the same"

By this i mean financially and emotionally, he is the one who brings i the salary to put food on the table, he is the one who does the nursery run, deals with the tantrums, the highs and lows.

Dc1's father only has contact every second weekend, not much by comparison. As for presents etc what he gets from them i don't see as kept at ex's house (not complaining about this, just saying what ex and his family do is very much their business not mine) My issue is not with him or his family, i encourage my dc1 to have a good relationship with biological father and so far all is ok. My issue with my fil.

Fil a twisted moody man. Typical example being, dc1 in his house and hungry, asks me 'can i have a banana' i say 'ask grandpa' (it is his house), fil asks what is the problem, i explain and say i've told dc1 to ask you. In my experience alot of children are like this, reluctant to ask or speak to some people except thru Mummy esp if person in question remotely unapproachable or someone they don't know too well. Anyway after alot of 'all you have to say is 'grandpa can i have a banana please' dc1 finally plucks up the courage to ask, fil smiles and replies 'No'. End of story. To me he is just a twisted idiot who has no idea about kids. Funnily enough he wouldn't have done it to the other grandchild, the real one. I think this stinks and maybe after a few episodes like this i am particulary sensitive.

OP posts:

Original poster

minkersmum · 27/01/2009 09:40

The other thing is just for talking sake what if dc1 paternal side didn't put anything away for him, what if dp an i couldn't afford to either, when the 3 kids reached 18 dc1 would get very little compared to other 2 and whilst i completely realsie that isn't fil problem, i don't want this to be a problem but equally take the point about not wanting to deny dc2 and 3 what they deserve. Its bloody complicated. I am torn about how i feel, which is why i asked for opinions, altho i admit i cleary have issues with fil over and above this!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 27/01/2009 13:05

minkersmum what have added about the banana incident puts a completely different slant on the issue. Your FIL clearly differentiates at all times between the dc and I agree that is completely unacceptable, he should not treat dc1 differently to the others. The only exception I would make to that rule is over inheritance/savings etc.

Clearly your dh needs to sort this out with his father. I wouldn't have contact with my IL's if they treated my eldest like that (she wsa 3 when we got together). If in the future she inherits nothing from them whilst the others get something I will be hurt tbh but I would understand if it were less than the others IYSWIM. My eldest doesn't have any other grandparents and she adores the IL's as they are the only grandparents she's got.

Surfermum · 27/01/2009 16:29

I'm with Jammi on this one.

The way I look at it is that dsd gets two lots of opportunities. Those with her mum and those with us. DD has one lot of opportunities.

Dsd is part of the family and treated as such at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. But there are times when dd will have things and do things that dsd doesn't, just like dsd has things and does things with her mum that dd doesn't. So when it comes to grandparents and the possibility of investing money I wouldn't expect my parents to because dsd already has 2 sets of grandparents. It would mean that she then had 3 sets giving her money, whereas dd would only have 2 sets.

You say that his Dad does buy him things, so how do you know that he isn't paying into a savings account for him, or that his parents/family aren't doing the same?

Haribosmummy · 27/01/2009 18:37

I'm with Jammi and Surfermum too.

I expect my parents to invest in my DS's future, but I don't expect them to equally fund my DSDs.

They have a mum and grandparents and family of their own... who, should they leave anything to my DSDs, woudn't expect my DS to share in that equally...

YANBU to want to treat all of your kids the same, but YABU to expect everyone else to want to do the same.

cashmeremafia · 28/01/2009 01:49

I am with jammi on this one. She is wise and her reasoning is logical, esp. when inheritance is concerned. What you wish for is not reality, dc1 has a different father and stands to inherit from him at some point. That's his right. And your other 2 dc stand to inherit from your current partner, that's their right. YABU if you expect your ILS to see it from your point of view.

2rebecca · 29/01/2009 21:56

My parents treat my children differently from my husbands. Things are different because his don't live with us and my parents rarely see them, but my parents also feel that my husband's kids have their own 2 sets of grandparents. It's difficult because my husband's parents treat my kids the same as his, although I wish they wouldn't because my exhusbands parents feel new husbands parents are trying to take over their grandparenting role and feels my kids have 2 sets of grandparents and don't need an extra one.
If your first kid is in contact with his paternal grandparents then this shouldn't be an issue. Stepparents and stepgrandparents aren't the same as biological ones, especially if the biological ones are in close contact. Your first son just isn't your partner's fathers grandchild. You have to accept that step families are different, and yes parents and grandparents do love their own kids more than the steps usually, which considering stepparents don't have parental responsibility and often don't see the kids again if the divorce is just as well. Keep close links with the biological parents and grandparents as they'll usually love and prioritise the kids more.

2rebecca · 29/01/2009 22:07

I don't think that excuses your fil's nastiness though. You may not treat stepgrandchildren financially the same as grandchildren but you should behave in the same way towards them and be pleasant and friendly, although alot of that depends on the age that stepkids come into your life. Usually stepkids newly entering a family set up in their teens for example won't want some old biddie they hardly know being cuddly towards them.

marie1979 · 01/02/2009 19:55

no agree with u thats awful id tell him not to bother or tell him how u feel thats terrible i wouldnt let it happen

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