Step kids What's your opinion on this please? Bit long

[Ilovecurry]

My Hub has 2 girls from ex. We have a ds 4 yrs old. Recently eldest (14) is always texting and sending msn messages asking for money.

"Dad can you drop me some money off tom" or "When can I have some money". It really annoys me as there is never a please or thank you at all. The last few years he has never even had a birthday or FD card and not last year but year before they "forgot" to buy him a christmas present.

Money is tight with us as I only work 2 days plus redundancy is looming at my DH's work. Plus my DH is terrible with money.

Yesterday another text on DH mob came whilst I was upstairs - mob was upstairs aswel - "Can you drop me some money off tom" - I was so annoyed I text on his phone - "No and dont ask again". (We dont have a problem with checking each others mob by the way etc)

When he found out he was furious at me saying the kids will think it was him texting and they will hate him. He doesnt want them to hate him, so I said so you will carry on being taken advantage of just so that you dont upset your kids. We had a huge row and I told him I just wasnt having them taking advantage anymore.

The argument got very nasty and we both said things that Im sure we didnt mena. We havent spoken since. He sulks for days and makes me feel like crap. In hindsight I should not have sent the text but I was so angry - he is so soft with them and is so frightened of upsetting them.

He pays maintenance and always has but recently behind my back has started to give the girls pocket money - but only when he has some spare. Ive seen many of my friends push the kids to bed for money from their exs (Im not saying that his ex is behind this Im sure she isnt) but where will it stop?

We are suppose to be going away this weekend on our own and its looking like it will be cancelled.

why doesn't he just agree an amount to give them as pocket money per week/month and pay it directly into their bank accounts and make it clear that is it, no more pocket money on top of that amount.

If he pays (whether or not he SHOULD) pocket money, then it needs to be on a consistent basis, then you have a reason to turn down extra requests.

FWIW, we pay a fortune to DH's ex - she spends it ALL on herself, to the point that if the kids want or need anything extra, it's our bag to sort it out (just had to pay for a netball class for DSD2 because her mother is too lazy or stupid to sort it out).

We pay both the kids pocket money. It goes directly to their accounts.

They do ask for more, and do get it quite a bit, but it's because we both know their mum is so bloody strict at letting them have anything. If we didn't have it, they wouldn't get it...

BUT (and this is a big but) both kids are kind and appreciative and thoughful... they bought DH, me and our DS lovely Christmas pressies and never need to be reminded now.. I think I would feel differently if they didn't remember to say thanks and give something back once in a while, IYSWIM...

so what should I do? Stick to my guns - I cant reason with him...its like total shutdown when it comes to his kids.

I personally dont think he should give them pocket money we dont have it. Its his fault hes not consistant so of course they will push the limits and as always he'll give in.

As always I will ignore whats happening and let him do what he wants but them again surely this shoudl of been discussed with me. The eldest did have a paper round at £25 per week but got the sack as she couldnt get up, she is rude, mouthy and is very annoying to our ds (4 yrs old) who she upset last time she came over - my dh said "its her age, she's a teenager".

Well, I don't agree it's her age.

my 14YO DSD1 is lovely with our DS (appreciate he's only 7months old but still)

What can you do? He's going to give it to them, and you trying to stop him will cause problems with them which will probably fuel his guilt (I'm guessing he feels guilty somewhere along the line)

Make sure your son is afforded a similar standard of living and make sure you look after his future.

Make sure your bills are paid... over and above that, if he wants to give them his spare cash, it's his to do.... They are his kids and he may feel responsible they don't have his love and support 24/7 (I'm just guessing)... he's trying to make up for that (maybe)... I don't think you can or should stop him, as long as he's providing equally for your DS and you aren't getting into debt...

HM xx

I would agree with HM.

yes youre totally right....he can just get on with it, I will continue to bite my tongue and say nothing but boy does it bug me. We are even going to Center Parcs for our DS birthday soon and I have agreed for his kids to come mid week and stay for the remainder so that he doesnt feel guilty - then I find out his ex has booked to go 2 weeks before with them so I neednt have arranged this. Ive always went over backwards for them and made every visit nice and welcoming - this wont stop. But instead of me buying the birthday cards, presents, christms cards and presents - I will pass thisover to DH who once he has forked out Im sure will decide that he cant afford to give pocket money each week.

Personally, I think that pocket money is a very good thing , kids shouldn't be allowed to simply demand money and by 14 need to begin to appricate the value of money. It is not an infinate resource. When I was about 9/10 my dad paid me my pocket money monthly as that is how he got paid. It taught me that if I spent the whole lot on sweets in the first week, I couldn't have sweets for the rest of the month- I learned fast lol! This is part of being a parent, when SD is old enough, I will have no problem with her getting pocket money from her dad, but no extras HTH

Just out of interest, as this will come up in our family soonish, how much is a reasonable amount of pocket money to give to child not living with father and at what age would you start? And do you take into consideration whatever the DM gives the child, so as not to double up? (ie keeping it fair for ALL children in both families)

I think that pocket money is much better than demanding it but I doubt, in this case, whether DH is going to stop - so it is going to cause endless tension if you fight over it all the time.

I would treat this stituation the same as if it were my own daughter.

I would agree a set 'allowance' with her mum and have a system either you pay it all/or part or every month. Agree on what she has to buy out of it (Be it clothes/spends/ etc) and what not (we had shoes (so no crap ones bought) coat and stuff for school including uniform)

and she gets no more. If she wants more she can get a job.

I think it is bad for teenagers to get money as and when.

As for your DH he probably feels very insecure about his relationship. Dads and teenage girls are very different creatures and can easily move apart especially if not living together.

I would talk about the problems of giving children money adhoc and how giving allowance can be really good for their financal future.

Noonki - Sorry, you can't do that.

In this situation, YOU aren't a parent and, as for setting an allowance with mum - what planet are you on???? It just doesn't happen in most situations

As a step mum, the best advice I can give to anyone in this situation is to stay out of it. Look after your kids and your bills. Love and support your step kids when they are with you. And then stay out of it. They have a mother and a father. They don't need someone else wading into the mix.

That's not meant to be in your face, but having been a step mum for 10 years, believe me, you HAVE to let the parents do the parenting.

HM xx

I've been a step-mum too for nearly 10 years. I view it differently to Haribo. I see us as a team of 3. And as dsd's pocket money and anything else that we buy or pay for is coming from a pot of money that I input into then I think I do have a say about how much dsd gets. I think I have a responsibility too to teach her about budgeting etc, that's not something that just her mum or her dad can do.

Yes, dsd has a mum and a dad, but I'm a significant other adult and role model in her life.

I'm not surprised dh was furious, you were really stirring when you sent that text pretending it was from him. Very underhand.

HAribo - It's what we did with DSS and his mum. And it worked well.

it's been incredibly hard to get to a point when we can discuss things but we have all worked at it for the last 9 years to get where we are today.

And I do think it is important to think what you would do with your own kids. I dont want my too to come and get money as and when and nor does DH or his ex. So we sorted it out. I view DSS as important as my own kids, of course I love him in a different way, as he does me copmpared to his mum. But I feel a responsibilty about the way he is brought up and have an input in it.

Also DH and I share our money. So any finacnial decisions about any of the kids is always agreed by us both.

Well, my Dh's ex wouldn't consider speaking to either of us about anything....

I saw her in a car park today and waved and said hello.. She ignored me... And I've been trying to be nice for the last 10 years.

She assumes we should pay her 'her' child support' (which doesn't actually get spent on the kids) and then pay for everything the kids need on top.

In fact, I'm pretty sure she sets the kids little goals to bring things back to 'her' house. This week it's some ipod speakers. She'll just bitch and bitch until she gets them.

She's sooooo nice.

Fair do's

each situation is so different. We have been relatively lucky (solicitors and no access aside)!

Guess it is then down to ilovecurry's DH to make a decision. In some ways it is what happens across the board step family or not. so maybe ILC could get her DH to see that they need to come to some sort of compromise.

we are still not talking to each other and dh is being extremely cold toward me...this is fairly usual - he sulks and makes me feel like the worst thing on earth. I usually break the ice and bring it up, we argue then make up - but not this time, Im fed up with it all.

Oh we were also suppose to be going away for the weekend - first time both if us leaving DS but family member cant have him now so now not going - therefore sulking will continue

I think you should apologies for sending the text and be prepared to apologise to the child that you sent it to you.

Surely that will thaw him out enough to then talk about it and come to some agreement about how much how often etc?

Have already apologised for sending it. Child wouldnt realise it was from me and he hasnt spoke to her.

we are being polite to one another now and he is talking to me - we have NOT mentioned what happened.

Although he did say he might pop over to see kids tomorrow as they wont be coming out as they have flu....meaning I'll go over and giv ethem the money they asked for. It was as if he wanted me to comment and say it was ok - I just said I think you shoudl do want you thinks right