I am feeling very bristly...

[DippyDino]

I need to calm down!
Dsd (11) is after a new laptop for her birthday next month, she got a refurbished one for last xmas (the one just gone) but now her best friend has this brand spanking new one which does X, Y and Z with a built in web-cam etc.

I agree that her laptop is old and doesn't perform as well as we would like it to.

I agree that as she gets older she will be utilising it for school work.

But but but! She has everything, she is overloaded with material stuff, she has a camera phone (expensive) a clarinet, a laptop, 2 PS2's (one at mums, one here) 2 TV + DVD (one at mum's, one here) a guitar and carrycase, a nintendo ds, a fecking horse (as do each of her sisters at mum's) Her little sister is eight and we found out she has her own laptop!!!!

She wanted an electric guitar and amp for Xmas but Dh said no and got her an acoustic and paid for a years worth of lessons. She doesn't practice, says she doesn't get time. (She is so busy with activities I'm not surprised!)

Would it kill anyone to say no, sorry, you can't have it, too expensive / you have enough stuff already? Aargh!

Plus it p*es me off that we never see her on school hols, we could have her extra on an evening but she's too busy!

But of course we have to fork out for anything that takes her fancy!

My Dd is only just coming up to 3, but I swear that she only has around half the stuff most kids have, cos she doesn't need it and anyway we don't have room.

We clear out old toys before Xmas and birthdays. She's never had a birthday pressie yet cos she just doesn't need anything. I hope that if I am buying her a mobile at the age of 7 and a laptop at aged 8 somebody will shoot me.

I get where you are coming from honey, we don't even get SD1 yet, but I think her and any future DCs will be treated equally. I know it is unfair but, I see what you mean. Maybe we chat privately?

It sounds as though husband was sensible in getting her an acoustic rather than an electric guitar to start with. That's what we did with my son who's now on to his second electric guitar after getting a cheap online electric combo after he'd stuck with the acoustic for a while and then upgrading to a better electric and amp. I don't understand buying a years worth of lessons though. Why not start with a month and pay more if she practices and sticks to it?
Computers are very handy for secondary school age kids, but portables are alot more temperamental that ordinary computers. Does she really need a portable? Can't she just transfer stuff on discs and sticks between static computers as my kids do? ( I am also divorced from their dad so they move between us.) Different if she needs to take it to school.
It's a very expensive birthday present if she doesn't need one.
It sounds as though you need to talk to your husband about all this.
Some of it sounds beyond your control as her mum sounds very wealthy.

It's scary how much stuff kids seem to have these days... I bore my two senseless with my constant refrain of 'in my day we were lucky to get a satsuma from Father Christmas' etc. I had a bit of a run in with step daughter yesterday who is certain she doesn't have enough clothes (rubbish)... I explained we had just spent alot of money on Christmas and January was about taking things easy and enjoying the presents we got etc. Cut no ice. I do feel sorry for them though - I think at her school there is a lot of silliness (Designer phones for school kids? What's the world coming to?)and some parents seem to go completely bonkers buying kids all sorts of stuff...

With regard to whether to update the laptop - I would stick to your guns and say she's got plenty to be getting on with. If that cuts no ice with your DP maybe it could at least be linked to a set of chores... or a contribution from pocket money for several weeks. Again, returning to my own impoverished childhood, when I was about 11/12 my parents got a new stereo and let me have their old tape deck ... but I had to pay £15 for it! I paid it off at about 50p a week for what seemed forever. I still remember it now although I'm less bitter than I was back then...

Erm sounds like she's spoilt to me. Thing is with at her other home it looks like she can have what she likes which is I guess is making her demand more. She probably picks up I get this at mummys and want the same at daddys. Really difficult situation as if she feels she can get more on the other side she probably is playing one parent off against the other. Your DP might feel he's under pressure to keep up maybe.

Personally I think buying kids stuff just becuase they demand it does them no good, there is no way Id pay that game.
Kids will always try to play one parent off against another which in stepfamilies can lead to a race to get the kids better than the ex and becuase the parents may be insecure they play along, not healthy for the kids imo.

To be frank, I think the main problem here is your dh's inconsistent attitude towards money. Children aren't born with a natural knowledge of what is a reasonable request; they have to be schooled into it through consistent parental modelling- and hours of tedious argument. No shortcuts.

Personally, I think a fixed amount of pocket money is the way to go.

Also, things that you need for work, like a functioning computer, are far more important than things you don't need, like a TV. (And an 11yo probably already needs a computer for homework; I know my dd does.)

But there is no point in blaming your DSD for not knowing these things by instinct. She needs consistency.

My dd (in Year 7) has a monthly allowance. This is a better idea IMO than just throwing stuff at them.

Thanks guys. I have now stopped hyperventilating... just about.

The 'overload' of material stuff is from Mum, she just has TV+DVD an Playstation here, and usual 'toys' e.g. Lego and games, jigsaws, etc.

Mum has got herself into debt several times and has been bailed out by her parents so far.

Very proud of Dh, he / we have always raised an eyebrow at the 'want it, get it' thing with dsd, but said little. Dh had a BIG talk with her at the weekend about how many other 11 year olds round here have a laptop... and a horse... and so on. He talkd about being spoilt, how expensive the things she has / wants are, credit crunch and so on and so forth. Apparently she took it in (she is good like that) and was nearly in tears, bless! Basically Dh said 'no' for right now, but she may get one for her 13th birthday, as 13th obviously is a big deal, becoming a teenager and all that.

But you are right, we can't be surprised that she has no clue if we say nowt. But we have not wanted to sound like we are critisising Mum.

I have told Dh I think he did the right thing and now my nightmare visions of her going bankrupt as an adult / appearing on spendaholics with 100k of debt have receded a little.

I have also decided to set an example by having a pizza + night in with friends for my birthday instead of the expensive spa day I was lusting after!

Ah bless you, sounds like you're handling it really well.

Sorry to hijack but - Cory - do you mind my asking how much allowance your DD gets? The reason I ask is we're talking about giving DSD2 a montly allowance - she is also Y7 - as DSD1 is useless with money and we want to try to make sure DSD2 learns early on how to manage money, so going to give her a weekly allowance, plus all her lunch money and bus fares at the start of the month. just really don't know what is a reasonable monthly amount for the spending element.

My dd gets a 10 pound/month allowance. We still pay her school lunches and keep her in basic clothes, basic hygiene articles (shampoo, tampons, cheap deo etc), very basic school stationary- but if she wants anything extra, she uses the allowance.

Dittany - it is up to her, if she is contributing.
And frankly I dislike the whole making things up with material goods. Sends entirely the wrong message to kids.

DSS got a Nintendo DS for Christmas, and is wanting a flatscreen TV/DVD combo for his 8th birthday. He already has a TV and a DVD player in his bedroom at his mum's. So his mum told DH to buy it for him for his birthday. DH refused and said he would split the cost with her but not buy it outright. She agreed.
Next thing we know she rings DH and tells him she has bought him a Wii for his birthday, so we would have to buy him the TV/DVD combo.
Dh has put his foot down and refused.
He doesn't understand why she is getting him a Wii when he only got the DS at Christmas! Plus we have a Wii and DSS NEVER asks to play with it! We've even asked him if we wants to play something on the Wii, he'd much rather play in his room!
DH has said to her if she keeps up buying him lots of big things each birthday and Christmas, he'll come to expect it, and what happens when she can't afford it?
She has now got her parents to buy the TV/DVD... the parents who although are comfortably off aren't rich and have bailed her out before when she has run out of money.
She feels she has to buy these things because she never had them when she was a kid. If I was her parents I would be very hurt by her attitude - they are decent, hardworking folk just never been particularly well off. But dss's mum just thinks that life is all about material goods