Find being a Stepmother hard! Any tips???

[taymum]

Have a 17mth daughter and partner has a 6yr old son. Since our childs birth I have found that my partner and I argue alot regarding his son. He feels that I don't show his son enough attention and all I care about is ours. But I don't agree with him. His son is very much a daddy's boy and extremly demanding in regards to the attention her recieves from his dad. i.e. Dad can't leave a room without him following or asking where he's gone. I would like to bond more with his son but don't know how, and not sure if he (son) wants me to. The attention seeking thing is getting out of hand, so much so that when stepson stays over my partner sleeps in his bed with him cause he doesn't want to sleep on his own. It really gets on my nerves as he's with us 3-4 days a week! My partner spends hardly anytime with our child when his son is around as his son wants all the attention. Whenever I try to discuss anything regarding my stepson with my partner it almost always results in argument as my partner is sensitive. My partner thinks that I don't like his son...and it is causing problems with us. What can I do?

Oh dear. Sounds like you really need to work on being able to communicate with your DP without him assuming that you are against his son.

How does his son get on with your DD? He may be insecure, hence not wanting to sleep on his own - but obviously this can't continue indefinitely. Is there anything the boy likes doing, that you could do with him, to try to build a bond? Perhaps initially with DP along, but moving on to doing things with just you and his son alone? Or with you, his son and your DD so he develops a sense of you and DD being an extension of his family?

He loves his sister and when he comes over the first thing he asks is where is she. However he is getting more and more jealous of her as she gets older. He is not spiteful. He just doesn't like his dad giving her attention...for instance if she starts singing along to tellytubbies and her dad encourages her...he will sing and dance even louder than her and stand in front of her. He may very well be insecure, but I don't know what to do to help set him at ease. I tried buying him new Ben10 (his fav show) bed sheets and a matching glow light to help encourage him to sleep in his bed alone...it didn't work. He is quite boisterous so it's hard to find something that we can do together. But prehaps I need to try harder to find something.

Hey hun, its hard work isn't it, Im a stepmum to 2 kids who will be 14 and 11 this year, I met their dad when they were 4 and 18 mnths so I've been through the highs and lows that comes with it.

But I just wanted to say that we have a 5year old son and 1 year old daughter together and my son does the whole singing louder and reverting the attention to him thing if his sister is getting more attention than him, it's something all siblings go through. As long as he isn't being nasty to her then thats good, but even then its normal between siblings.

I don't really know what advice to give as I kinda took one day at a time when the stepkids where younger, I dont know how I got through it but now we are a little older, me included I was 19 when I met my hubby, we get on brilliantly and they want to spend as much time with me as with their dad.

Even though he may not like it, you have to tell your hubby how you feel, either by sitting him down and telling him to listen and not say anything til you are finished or if its easier then by letter, but he has to know.

Thanks AlwaysTheMummy I think your advice is helpful. I think your right in regards to talking to hubby...it needs to be done. I just don't want to us to argue. Are your stepchildren boys/girls? I think it would be easier if he was a girl cause I could do the girlie things with him that his dad couldn't. But all he wants to do is playfight and play computer so it's a bit harder. i do motherly things like homework and general stuff, but none of which are bonding time. Maybe as he gets older it might get easier. I also find it difficult as he has a mother and I don't want to overstep any marks...as she is not the easiest female at the best of times.

I would approach the conversation with your dh from the perspective of trying to get him to help you come up with ways that you can bond better with his ds. That way he sees that you are trying, you want to have a good relationship with his ds, but you need your dh's help and support. What was your relationship with your ss like before your dd was born? Has he just lost touch with you a bit?

If he is very active, could you take him swimming or ice skating or something while your dh looks after dd? Something that he needs your help with would give you a good opportunity to really focus on him.

We have never been very close to be honest...however maybe now that I have my daughter prehaps he finds me less approachable or I have less time on my hands. For instance before I'd rent dvds or we would go to the cinema as a family, whereas now those things are hard with a 17mth old running around.

I will definately suggest swimming as I think that's a really good idea and would definately give us the opprtunity to spend time together.

Thanks

Alarkaspree

His behaviour with his sister sounds perfectly normal, TBH - and hopefully it will improve as she grows older and able to share his games more. The important thing is to get your DP to listen to your feelings and support you in trying to build a good relationship with him. It won't be too long before you are all able to go to the cinema again as a family. Could DP try staying with him until he's gone to sleep and then return to you? Sharing his bed full time for everyday that he's there may be ok now, but it won't be when he's 8, 9 or older!

The thing to hold onto, though, is that all this WILL pass. DSS won't always want his dad with him 24/7, and DD won't always be a toddler. With care - and you obviously care a lot - you will build a family (I'm not just saying this, I'm trying to do this myself with my DD and DP who is not her father - sometimes I wonder which one is the child!)

Hi Taymum, I have a stepdaughter and stepson, I'm also lucky as their mum and I get on well, we did have a bad spell when my son was born but thats water under the bridge and totally forgotten about.

I have never tried to do the motherly bit with them as they have a great mum, I have always been honest with them that although I expect certain rules in my house but they are only here for a short time and just to view me as a friend, I'm not trying to be their mother.

I get on well with my stepdaughter as like you said we do the girly things and we can talk about anything, she knows she can tell me things and I can give her advice adult to child and not parent to child iykwim, I remember back when they were just small and I captured her heart by always having arts and crafts stuff that she could make stuff with, I would always say 'Why don't you make a card for your mum' I have never made her aware of any bad feelings between her mum and I when we were going through the bad patch as at the end of the day she is still the mum.

With my stepson, he was a different ballgame, he is very much for his mum and was always homesick when he came to us, I tread very carefully with him, my hubby spent a lot of time with him, doing father/son things, I also encouraged my ss to ring his mum whenever he wanted, to make a card of picture for her or let him be alone if he so wished, he's nearly 11 now and so much more outgoing, he's brilliant with his little brother and is besotted with his baby sister, in fact when we had them just after she was born he was the first to go over and pick her up when she started crying, he is a brilliant young man and he even told me he loved me when he was last up, now i remember when he was my sons age and he wouldn't even look at me, he never wanted to do anything with me and was always crying for his mum (not meant in a nasty way)

What I'm trying to say, but going the long way around it) is that your ss is still a baby himself and I guess its hard for him too, just be yourself with him, offer your friendship, or ask him if he would like to do something with you and your dd, he will prob say no a lot of the time but then just say 'oh thats ok, but if you decide you want to join us then you come right in' or something like that. It's a long, hard process to win their trust and love but so worth it in the end, I remember hearing someone refer to their stepchildren as their bonus children and thats how I like to see mine as.

If you ever need someone to rant or chat to, just pm me and I'll try to help xx

Thanks AlwaysTheMummy...you've been such a big help and have made me feel much better. All I want is a happy family unit...including my step son. I'll keep at it and try some new things. At least you've shown me that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Will take you up on that pm thing...once I work out how to do so! (new on here!) xXx

Believe me Taymum, it hasn't been an easy journey, at times I've wanted to jack it all in, take my son and leave but I had to remind myself that they are just children, they want love, attention and stability in their life and as long as they enjoyed coming to stay then I would just have to make the effort.

At the very beginning of our relationship I found it hard to accept that my hubby had kids, I knew he had kids when I met him and I knew what I was getting into but I was such a young, naive girl back then, when I look back I'm quite ashamed of my attitude but now I have kids of my own I know exactly how my stepkids mum must have felt sending her 2 babies to stay with their father and another woman (me), I don't know how I would react to that situation but hoping I never have to.

Looking back over the years, despite my feelings, the kids never knew how I felt, kids don't lie and if they didn't like me they wouldn't come to stay.

Your ss will settle in soon enough and all his insecurities will go away, but with regards to your partner, I had the same from my hubby during the early days, I was sick to my back teeth of telling him I didn't hate or dislike his kids that by the end of it, I shouted at him to get a grip, it was never about disliking them, just about finding it hard to adjust to being a stepmum and how even though I want them to feel at home in our home I still expect certain rules. He came round but boy was it bloody hard.

I hope he will listen and understand its not about disliking the kids, it's about adjusting.

I don't think you can pm on here so if you wanna get hold of me you can email me on [email protected] xx

Hi Taymum
I have a 16 month old DD with DP and he has a 6yo DD from a previous relationship, so we have similar situations on the face of it.
Some couple questions how long have you been with your DP, how long have you known his DS and was your DD planned.

I should try and do things with your partner's son on a regular basis, just the two of you, and leave your DD at home with DP. It takes time to work up a relationship but you now have 2 children who need to be treated equally by both of you.