Adoption? Parental Responsibilty? or something else?

[NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor]

I posted this in legal advice but had no replies so I'm trying here instead.

So, this is the current situation.
Myself, my 8 yr old DD and my almost 4yr old DS have lived with my partner for the last three years.
We also have a child between us.
I split from XP when DS was just 8 months old so he doesn't really know him.

DP & myself tried to keep some kind of relationship between DD&DS1 and their father but he let them down time and time again.

Eventually I would only agree to allow visits in the company of another adult, either his mother or sister as I found he was taking them to the pub or having his friends round drinking when they were there.

Didn't take long before his sister left them with him and buggered off out all night so it was only his mum I agreed to arrange things with.

His mum started letting them down, and handing them around to whoever when they stayed there so it wasn't very stable and I said I'd prefer them not to stay overnight but they could go for the day, or she was able to come to mine.

Yet again she fucked around, letting them down, arranging, rearranging, cancelling appointments.

I hadn't heard from her for 6 months when she emailed me abusive messages on facebook.

Everyone in question has my mobile number and has had the ability to call me. Up until just over two months ago they all knew my address.

DD has expressed an opinion that she never wants to see any of them again (this was on her birthday when she realised not one of them had bothered and she asked what the point was of caring as they have always been the same)

I am worried what will happen if I die. Partly because we are hoping to have another baby and the risk could be higher than normal pregnancies.

I do not, under any circumstances, believe that going to live with their biological family would be anything other than detrimental to them.

Not in the least because DD thinks of them as unreliable and DS has no idea who they are (there is only so much you can tell a 4yr old that they will actually understand).

Also, I would not want them to be split up from their brother. I know that if something did happen DD would tell whoever that she would want to stay with DP but at 8 would they listen? and would it mean that she stayed but DS1 went?

I am also concerned that if something happened to one of them and I was not around DP could not legally deal with it.

I have been looking up adoption and one of the scenarios presented is that the father may try to re-establish contact with the children when approached by the social worker. Would I have to allow this? Even though DD wouldn't want it? and DS wouldn't have a clue? I don't want them harmed by him reappearing, building them up again and then disappearing once he is satisfied the adoption is not going through.

The most important thing to me is that they are not hurt but are legally allowed to stay with DP and DP is legally allowed to give consent if anything occurs when I am not there.

Has anyone been through the adoption process successfully? Does anyone have any legal knowledge on the situation?

XP has PR for DS, but not for DD.

TIA.

I think you should make a will appointing your current partner as guardian of your elder two. If you did die while they were under 18, then the appointment of a guardian isn't 100% guaranteed, but in the event of a residence dispute, the court would take account of the fact that you appointed your current partner. TBH, I don't think there's a cat in hell's chance your ex would get residence, given his history.

It doesn't sound as though your ex has PR for either of his children, is that right?
Your current partner could make an application for PR for the reasons in your op.

I wouldn't go down the adoption route if I were you, the courts aren't mad keen on step parent adoptions, partly because no matter how useless the dad is, children shouldn't be completely cut off from that half of their heritage, but also because, sadly, so many step parent relationships also break down.

XP has PR for DS, as he was born after 2003, but not for DD, she was born in 2000.

ok this is so my life I'm reading here! So firstly - commiserations for picking an idiot to have your elder children with - I did the same - so I sympathise.

Right onto business.....

My solicitor explained that our best option tbh was something called "special guardianship". Its where PR is granted to your new partner IN ADDITION to PR that your ex has. Its the preferred route for the courts as it recognises the importance of their step parent without taking away from the importance (in legal terms not personal ones I appreciate that) of your exP.

Sadly whatever route you take you need to have XPs signature. the law re rubbish ex's is a crock of shite. My ex is as crap as yours - as is his family and they have behaved almost identically - knowing mobiles and addresses etc ignoring birthdays. But if he wanted to he could stop me taking my kids on holiday......or from sending them to a faith school or from having them christened etc etc - CRAPOLA...

Unfortunately in law there is sod all we can do about it. I know I know its totally shit and unfair - and whats worse is you can write in your will that you want DP to be their guardian but the court is not obliged to follow your wishes.

The best advice my solicitor gave me (who is also a friend so really does want what's best for me and mine) is to get on with your life, ensuring that all your family, friends godparents etc all know your wishes in the event of your death as the more people who can stand up in court to support your DP if the time ever came to it the better. If you are married to your partner apparently that makes a difference too (I know more archaic crap!) so DH and I married mostly for that reason and I have made sure my children share part of their surname whoever their dad is.

I'm sorry I have been a bit doom and gloom - I got so upset about this a few years back it was awful - but I'm coming to terms with it now and just have to trust that in the event, my family and friends will stand beside my DH in court and support his statements that I wanted him to raise ALL my children - and hope that they get a sympathetic judge who allows this to be so. According to social services its their priority to keep families together as much as possible so they felt that the worst case scenario was likely to be shared custody between DH and ex. They are hot on keeping siblings together whenever they can.

Sorry I wasn't more positive and sorry its a bit of an essay but I feel for you. Hope you find peace with it soon.

All the best

voctorian squalor doesn't need a signature as her ex does not have pr for his daughter.

It's called "delegated parental responsibility and you can grant it to anyone you wish as long as all parents/guardians with pr agree. In this case it is only VS who needs to agree. It's a simple document that your solicitor can draw up and you would need to have a copy appended to your will.
The cost is around £100 - £175 roughly.

but he does for the DS I thought......so she would need it for him....????