My dp having trouble with my ds - no respect and discipline probs. sorry very long !

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I will try to make this simple although its quite complicated.I have 3 boys from 2 previous relationships the eldest 2 aged 18 and 16 from 1st relationship and then my 3rd son aged 10 from 2nd relationship. I am now in a (third time lucky!) relationship with my dp for over four years and we have a dd 22 months and a ds 10 months.
My 10 year old visits his Dad alternate weekends but his behaviour is rapidly deteriorating in such an awful way. He is really angry and aggressive all the time but wont tell me why when I ask, saying that I will just tell my oh and he doesnt want him to know. He deliberatley ignores my dp or just sneers at anything he says. Will not do as he is told and just answers with he is not my dad. Its got to the point that my dp does not want him to come on holiday with us in the summer. His Dad doesnt pay any maintenance so my dp provides for him but because he is so rude and ungrateful it feels like an effort for him and he has got to the point that he does not want to come home until he is in bed. My dp is afraid of him as he is like a mini volcanoe waiting to erupt and is very unpredictable. So spending time alone together wont happen as he does not respect his authority and does what he wants. I spent some time alone with ds last weekend to try and find out how feeling but he wouldnt or couldnt tell me and ended up in tears just saying he didnt want dp to know. Any suggestions because its going to be a difficult christmas if things dont change.

TBH, I think both you and your dp need to cut your ds some slack. He's probably starting to get a bit hormonal, and may be feeling a bit insecure, given the several changes he's experienced over the last few years.

He may be feeling pushed out of the "new" family, ie by his new half siblings.

Would it help if he spent a bit more time with his dad, do you think?

"my dp does not want him to come on holiday with us in the summer"

The trouble is that "us" is actually you and your 10 year old DS. Your DP and his children are newcomers on the scene. Ypur first responsibility is to your DS. Does your dp see it that way too?

Your DS has had a LOT to deal with through these relationship changes and you can't expect him to care that your DP supports him financially.

Your first step is to find out what it is he won't tell you, or at least let him get it off his chest (it is not a good sign that he thinks you will tell your DP BTW...it suggests he thinks your first loyalties don't lie with him, which whilst I'm sure is not true, is very sad for him). Could you organise the school counsellor for him or a trusted aunt or something?

I think your primary issue is not respect and behaviour, but trust and security.

Agree with provincial lady. Your ds needs to know that you will always support him, and you need to acknowledge that he's had an awful lot of change and insecurity.

wow, ok maybe I should have written some more but didnt want to bore you
Mumblechum my hv suggested it could be his hormones, like a testosterone rush but he has been like it for quite some time but now its getting a bit worse. I agree I think he was used to being the baby and prob does feel put out by his younger siblings (he is very good with them though and shows them affection and plays with them lots).I think he sees his Dad quite a bit and is very spoilt when he is there by his grandparents. I do know he is frightened of his Dad(I used to be when I was with him) so that is why he does not have a problem with his behaviour. He generally gets what he wants in a materialistic manner when with them and is quite a priveledged boy. Getting three holidays abroud each year with his Dad and grandparents.
Theprovinciallady. Like I said I dont see how to get him to open up about anything as he feels like a bit of a spy in the camp when he is with us. Unfortunately my ex is a game player and uses my ds as a pawn. my gut feeling is that he is coaching my son's behaviour and attitude towards my partner. I dont know how to get my ds to open up as he never tells me anything about his time spent with his dad and it always feels like 20 questions when ever I try. My mum has tried talking to him but he wont tell her anything either. I suppose it could just be that he doesnt like my partner and is upset that I am in a happy relationship where his dad is still on his own?

He sounds really unhappy. He needs to talk to someone he can trust, unfortunately he obviously feels he can't talk to you because he fears that whatever he tells you will be shared with your DP. Perhaps he has no reason to fear that, but he is only 10, and he can only see it from his POV.

10 is a really difficult age for boys. It is a time when they really need to be able to bond with their father, and it sounds as if your ds is feeling very insecure.

Does he look forward to, and enjoy his weekends with his dad?

Is there any chance that his dad could be encouraging his negative feelings about your DP?

Could he be feeling pulled in two directions?

It is possible that he is feeling left out. Of all your children he is probably at the most needy and vulnerable age.

Why is he so anxious about your DP knowing what he tells you? That would worry me a lot TBH.

Just my thoughts. I appreciate that I don't know you or your DP, so I could be off track.

X posts

I took him out on the weekend xmas shopping because I was feeling guilty of always spending all my time looking after the two little ones and that my ds and I never spend any time alone together. He just wouldnt tell me what was wrong and ended up me and him crying. I just told him that I loved him and that if he changed his mind and wanted to tell me then I was always there for him and would try to change what ever it was to make the situation better for him. I am making a conscious effort to try and spend some time on his weekend for just me and him together. Someone suggested my dp spend some time alone with him to try and bond but my dp is scared to be alone with him. They used to play rough and tumble games instigated by my ds but it got out of hand and my ds was complaining he was hurt and was going to tell his dad.Since then my dp has been keeping hands off approach. Had a similar situation last year with some friends of ours who looked after my ds for the day on a tree climbing thing. It was my male friend and his son and my ds and he decided to just not listen and do his own thing. Was mean to the other kid who couldnt keep up and and rude aggressive to the kids dad. Because there were safety issues clipping and unclipping harnesses it could have been a very dangerous situation but my ds just would not listen and so my friend said he would never look after him on his own a again. He has two boys of his own but said it was too traumatic. Hence my other half finding him manipulative and not able to respong to authoritative figure even for his own safety.

3littlefrogs - He does look forward to his weekend with his dad as they are fun filled and action packed. He loves his dad but is frightened of him as he has a temper. (like father like son) So most of the time he is happy to go unless he has had a falling out with him. At home with me if he cant get his own way or is cross then he always says he want to go live with his dad. However I think we have the mix fairly ok at the moment as he has him for quite a few school holidays and one night every week aswell as alternate weekends. His Dad is an unhappy person and on his own still so I feel he is possibly stirring things up for my ds. I tried to talk to his dad about his behaviour but he said he doesnt have a problem with him its because I am too soft on him.

I dont know why he is so anxious about me telling my dp so I can only presume its about him and thats why he doesnt want him to know or due to the fact that he just doesnt like him?

This does sound like a very complex situation, not just for your DS either. I do think a counsellor might be able to help him find a way to manage his loyalities and his temper. You need to be aware of the damage his dad is causing and compensate for it with extra love and attention at home.

It may well be that his dad is saying nasty untrue things about your dp, which he is not sure whether to believe or not, and is frightened to tell in case there is a scene or worse. My dad did this to me and it was a horrible time.

I think a lot of it might be straightforward jealousy. He was the baby for a long time (8 years?) and then 2 new babies come along in quick succession with a new man to boot. My DD was 9 when this happened to her - we had a very difficult time for quite a few years.

At one point I remember telling DD that if I had to choose between her or DH then I would always choose her, but that she had to realise that would mean DS2 & DS3 (her half-brothers) wouldn't have their Dad around. I regretted being so harsh, but that was the point at which she started cutting DH some slack and became more accpeting of the situation.

I think your DS needs constant reassurance that he is loved, and your DP needs to look like the good guy as much as possible. Don't tolerate bad behaviour, but really praise all the good. And keep spending time on your own with him when you can - he needs to be reassured that no-one's going to break the special bond you have.

If he won't open up to you, might he talk to his older brothers?

It is a very complex situation and dont want to make him sound like a monster child as he is still my little boy and I love him to bits but I am just concerned that if he is like this at 10 whats he going to be like as a teenager? I never had any problems like this with my older two teenagers. Dont think he would talk to his brother as he is quite private and does not have that kind of relationship with them although they play together and share a room. Had a situation with him about a months ago when he tried to strangle me with his school tie when I was sitting in a car park in the car with him so he is also taking out his anger on me. It was because he had forgotton some pe kit and I wouldnt let him get it when we were late for school. He is quite out of control. I was upset and shocked and made his dad collect him from school that day and he kept him for the rest of the week but maybe I shoudnt have sent him away and dealt with the problem myself. I know now it was just a cop out solution that was easiest for me. So I feel guilty for involving his dad and guilty for not being able to deal with the situation myself. I think we need to go back to basics with him and build up his trust and behaviour issues because something has to change. How do you go about getting counselling that is free?

Speak to the school first, they often have access to a counsellor. If not then try GP. Family therapy might be helpful too.

Re. your counselling query, your GP can refer him to CAMHS for counselling. He does sound like a very angry and anxious little boy, and I think he needs some help.

Otherwise, Relate have a service called Relateen for children who's parents have broken up (and of course he's gone through that, but also the breakup with his first stepdad), but I'm not sure whether Relateen has a lower age limit of 11.

Your son is in tears crying he doesn't want your dp to know?

Well he needs assurance then doesn't he, it is obviously conected with dp in some way. My gut feeling would be that ex has been saying stuff but it could be something else.

IMHO I think you need to tell him that you will do your best to make sure dp does not find out if at all possible and try anything to get it out of him. Children having things this big and not being able to tell you because they don't want someone to know is a bad sign and somebody somewhere has clearly ben messing with your boys head.

Thanks he is at private school and doesnt have any problems there. Always has a glowing report for behaviour so I doubt they will be able to offer any help there, plus I have found them unhelpful in the past as they dont like anything rhat rocks the boat.(so much for their caring ethos) Will have to try gp but I suppose my ds would have to be willing to want to see a councellor or there wont be much point.?

Had experience with Relateen which helped my oldest son when he was about 12 and worked fine for him and helped but I had major issues with the confidentiality of it because unfortunaly my ex mother works there and had access to his files (scheming b*h)So would be reluctant to go through those channels again especially as its her darling grandson.

Mumblechum - think you misread my first post(understandably) He has only had one stepdad (my current partner) its my first two boys who have 2 stepdads poor things! God I sound like I have created such a dysfunctional life for all of them dont I? But its not as bad as it seems. My dp is quite placid and accepting and hopefully will adapt to his role as best as he can and all I can do is keep reminding him that he is the adult and my ds is the child and that is how he must treat him.

Have just come back to this. I would suggest you explore the counselling route through your GP. Family counselling would be a good plan - no member of the family functions in isolation.

How does your ds get on with his next brother - ie not the eldest?

(My 10 yr old dd has a much closer bond with her 17 yr old db than with her 20 yr old db. They get on well and love each other, but the ten year age gap is just too big at this stage. She adores ds2 and will talk to him and ask his advice, particularly about school, friendships etc).

Is there another family member he gets on well with that he might confide in?

He gets on ok with his 16 yr old brother as they share a room together and are constantly on computer together playing(After doing his homework) but I dont think he seems to talk to him to ask him advise on anyting other than how to get to the next level in his computer game. I was hoping he would talk to my mum as he is very close to her but she cant get anything from him lately either, although he doesnt misbehave around her. She also suggested that she thinks he needs some kind of counselling. So maybe its something thats going to take some time to get sorted. Dont think my dp would be too keen on family councelling as he doesnt believe in talking to strangers to air your problems. As you can see I dont have a problem with it.