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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

HELP! Dp wants SS with a drug problem to live with us!

57 replies

squirrel3 · 18/03/2005 12:33

Just found out that SS (from 1st marriage) problems are because he has a drug problem!! Not down to depression as I thought. BM wants to throw him out, DP wants him to live with us. I don't want a teenager with a drug problem living in my house. I don't want to expose my son to it, (he's already put up with a lot in his life, my daughter is pysically disabled and suffered from servere depresion because of it, it was really hard for him)We don't have room, why should my son have to share his room with a 'druggie'? He has never had to share before, its always been 'his space'.

(Just failed an exam at collage because I couldn't stop thinking about it!)

I feel like I'm being torn in two, I really want to help but Ive already been through so much with DD, she became disabled through an illness when she was 12, the illness gave her a deformed spine and she suffered so much pain along with it she became severely depressed and tried to take her own life on several occasions. We were in and out of hospital for years. Now she is adult and coping with it, I feel like for the first time in many many years I can breath a sigh of relief and get on with my own life, now this! I don't know if I'm ready to take on a teenager with drug problems.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Surfermum · 18/03/2005 22:07

This sounds like a really difficult situation. And you're piggy in the middle - damned if you do have him to live with you and damned if you don't. Do you know what he wants to do?

Original poster

squirrel3 · 19/03/2005 11:30

He cannot afford to get a flat, especially if he is going to get the sack. His friends all still live with their parents. He is literally going to have nowhere to live.

DP and I have talked and talk nearly all night have decided to have a long talk with SS and make it clear that if he wants help we will do anything to help him and he can live with us, if he doesn't want to get clean he is on his own, sounds harsh but we are hoping that a good dose of reality and having to do things on his own will bring him to his senses.

If he does live with us it will on a trial basis if he lapses and goes back on drugs he will be on his own.

Thank you for your advice everyone, I'll probably be posting again regarding this situation wanting your advice and to let off steam. I know its not going to be easy!

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Surfermum · 19/03/2005 11:43

That sounds really fair to me. Maybe a change of environment for him will work, maybe it won't but at least you'll have given him a chance.

I work in a drug clinic, so if there's anything you need to ask, just ask away. I'm the administrator, but I can always ask my colleagues for you if it's something I don't know.

Your ss is very lucky to have you.

Original poster

squirrel3 · 19/03/2005 12:01

Thank you so much surfermum, I also forgot to mention DP is going to talk to ex no2 and tell her the full situation and to ask her to respect his wishes as his father and to withdraw the offer of him living with her.

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LooptheLoop · 19/03/2005 12:29

Squirrel - loads of admiration and respect to you. I think you are doing a brilliant job in such difficult circumstances. You're giving him love but not at any price. If he doesn't want help and won't try then you know you've done everything and you can't let him take the rest of your family down with him. Lets hope he does want to change - your and your DP love might make all the difference. Good luck to you all. And please do post even if its just to say f@!l@$$2!

jabberwocky · 19/03/2005 13:49

Good luck squirrel3. I took on my nephew when he was 20 and had drug problems as well. It was 6 months of hell, but he is now 27, in his 3rd year of college making top grades, engaged to a wonderful girl and they have just bought a house! The 6 months was not an instant fix but everyone agrees that it made a huge difference in seperating him from his "crowd". I did have him do some random drug testing but not as often as I probably should have. It was just so much more difficult than I thought it would be. Anyway, I hope it works out for you all.

noddyholder · 19/03/2005 14:20

I think it will be difficult to expect him to just stop drugs overnight to move in with you.Addicts IME just don't work like that so seek help as he will probably go through withdrawal etc whilst with you You are a really generous person to give him this chance

mamadadawahwah · 19/03/2005 23:10

Oh dear, Squirrel, only read your thread and not the others, but in my opinion, "your" family comes first!!!!! First you, then your children, then your hubbie, then his kids. May sound a bit harsh, but if stepson is working, he must be at least 16-18 yrs old and is able to get a flat or live with friends. You run the risk of enabling him and if things are easy, what incentive has he to stop his behaviour.

I would NEVER NEVER NEVER have someone in the house who does drugs, whether its valium, alcohol or illegal drugs. Its just too risky and I fear you will sorely regret a decision to take him in. Obviously I dont know you or the whole story but have been in a similar position with a 14 year old tearaway and I just said NOPE, cant do it. My sanity and my kids safety and health comes first. He will find another way. This just sounds too easy for him, and waaayyy too hard for you!

mamadadawahwah · 19/03/2005 23:12

Oh dear, just read more of your threads and am even more worried for you!!! Take the tough love approach and say no to this one, please. Please put yourself and your kids first. You wont have a 2nd chance if he comes to stay and it dosent work out or if he harms your family in some way. Tell your hubbie it is totally unfair of him to ask! Its not a matter of choosing, cause there is no choice, when the safety and security of your own family is at stake.

tigermoth · 20/03/2005 08:31

just read this thread. FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing in having your stepson to stay on a trial basis, so you can offer support, but have a firm deadline for things to get better. Will you and your dh be clearly telling your stepson that this is a trial arrangement and you have clear expectations of him?

Original poster

squirrel3 · 21/03/2005 11:23

Yes DP is ging to make very clear what is expected of SS and that there will be a clear deadline for things to start to get better. We know its going to be very very hard at first, with lots of ups and downs (mostly downs I expect) but it sounds DP is going to be very strict (don't know if thats quite the right word) at home SS has a easy life with BM doing everything for him and (no disrepect to her) BM is a bit of a 'soft touch' but here DP is going to really clamp down on SS and make sure that SS knows that certain behaviour will not be accepted. DP has said that he will take full responsibility for SS's, if SS manages to hold on to his job DP will take SS there and pick him up, we know SS's manager and most of his older work collegues very well and they have been put in the picture and have agreed to watch SS closely whilst he is at work and call DP immedietly if they suspect SS has taken anything. We are going to try and get all of the advice we can, surfermum could you possibly give me a list of places we can get advice please. Thanking you in advance.

Thank you again for everyones views and advice.

Will definitely be posting on this subject again, think I'm going to need to.

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Surfermum · 21/03/2005 13:36

Yes of course. I'm at work today so good timing! Where do you live?

jabberwocky · 22/03/2005 00:29

Good idea about the driving. I did the same with nephew as we couldn't trust him not to disappear in his car for a while.

Original poster

squirrel3 · 22/03/2005 08:37

Surfermum, not such great timing, I had to rush off, my Grandfather was admitted into hospital. He is ok, think he needs to go into a home, anyway I live in Kent.

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Original poster

squirrel3 · 22/03/2005 08:41

jabberwocky, could you tell me more about random drug testing, how to go about it, how to do it etc please?

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Nelli29 · 22/03/2005 08:45

squirrel I work in a surgery and you can do a drug screen as long as you have the consent of the patient for the urine sample. Takes about 4 days to be tested

Nelli29 · 22/03/2005 08:47

There should be a drugs service available in your local area who work in conjunction with the Gp to assist with the random drug screening and support etc...

Original poster

squirrel3 · 22/03/2005 08:53

Thank you Nelli, so far only BM has talked to SS's Dr, DP will arrange an appointment for him and SS to discuss all of these things and put us in touch with a drugs clinic, then hopefully we wil know what to expect and how to help etc.

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jabberwocky · 22/03/2005 15:08

We went to a clinic that does outpatient type testing. I think the doctor called in a standing order for drug testing. It was an awkward, difficult thing to do, but I think it was definitely worthwhile.

Surfermum · 22/03/2005 16:38

Squirrel my current boss has just moved from the drug team in Kent! He'll have loads of info on local services. Do you want to tell me where exactly on here? Or if not CAT me.

Original poster

squirrel3 · 22/03/2005 16:44

surfermum, CAT? Sorry I'm fairly new to mumsnet don't understand.

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Surfermum · 22/03/2005 16:48

I would be very careful before rushing down the road of getting random tests done. I think you need to get ss on side, and feeling like you're supporting him and wanting to help (which I know you are). If you start insisting on random drug tests he will feel like you don't trust him. The other thing is he will need to want to be seeking help himself, has he said he wants to be referred for help?

Surfermum · 22/03/2005 16:49

CAT is contact another talker. If you look at the top of the page there's a link.

triceratops · 22/03/2005 17:01

When I was about eight we had my cousin come to live with us for a while. He was about nineteen at the time and although I didn't know it at the time he was supposed to be coming off drugs. My aunt thought that moving him from London to rural Humberside would take away the tempation and the opportunity. This was after he sold the contents of her house while she was out to pay for heroin.

I loved having my cousin to stay as he was great fun when he came out of his room but it all came to a sticky end when after about four months over christmas he had to be admitted to hospital with withdrawal symptoms having been unable to buy drugs from his new supplier who had gone home for christmas.

It turned out that he had just carried on using and been involved in crime while he was living with us and my parents found needles etc in his room. He had to leave and unfortunately committed suicide a couple of years later after being thrown out of a religious cult (but that is another story). He was a nice person but very weak and not always in his right mind. Everyone tried really hard to help him but he managed to destroy his life anyway.

So what I am trying to say is that you must do your best to help this young man but unfortunately it may not do any good.

Original poster

squirrel3 · 22/03/2005 17:19

Triceratops, how sad for you and your family, I keep hearing these horror stories and it does scare me but we've got to give SS a chance, hopefully if we keep him under strict supervision (it sounds awful but I think its wise) he will find it almost imposible to find another dealer. Also random drugs testing will make him think twice.

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