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Step-parenting

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What Sharing/caring arrangements do you have experience of?

6 replies

wildfish · 21/11/2008 16:36

Hi all.

I was wondering what the normal share/care arrangements people have (where there is shared/split care).

My court proceedings court reporter said that alternate weekends was the goal.

But ex is dismissing that and saying she wants 1 week on 1 week off.

I think thats unfair on DS (4.5) He's been here all the time. I also think 1 week on/off leaves him in the middle with no base.

So what are the experiences here?
Thanks

OP posts:
LooptheLoop · 21/11/2008 17:01

We have my husband's children every alternative weekend (Friday to Monday morning) and every Wednesday.

The midweek contact has worked well when the children were little when 2 weeks can be a long gap.

This has worked because we all live locally so the children can still do regular hobbies/see friends regardless of whose house they are at.

No expereince of the one week on, one week off arrangement.

LJWinN10 · 21/11/2008 17:39

My children have been at ex's every weekend, alternating long and short weekends (1 weekend until Sunday eve; the other they are back with me on Sat eve). No midweek contact.

Initialy, that worked because I worked Saturdays. Seemed better for DC to be with a parent on Sat's instead of childcare.

But after 3 years, DC requested a change. They want alternate full weekends with each parent. Largely due to their social lives. Ex and I live on opposite sides of London, so mine as well be in foreign countries.

And now that they are older, they can express themselves better. My DD (8 yrs old) said she was tired of going back and forth. That was how she saw the every single weekend thing. Constant to-ing and fro-ing.

In my experience, as painful as it is to the parent who gets less time, children need a home base. One week in each house sounds like a permanent state of change. That cannot be good.

The alternate weekend schedule is so great now. I love it, and so do the children. If only ex would do the midweek thing, it would be ideal.

And thinking about it, that level of sharing (1 week on, 1 week off) will require incredible amounts of cooperative parenting. How well do you all get on? With all the good will in the world, it will be difficult to apply the same rules in 2 houses, so the child will inevitably get stuck between 2 cultures.

I would avoid it if possible.

wildfish · 21/11/2008 23:01

I want to avoid. I know eX is determined regardless of effect. As to how well we get on - its close to zero now. She even said unless I agree to 1/1 she would not cooperate over anything.

My own feeling is 1/1 is a bad idea,

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 22/11/2008 10:42

1 week on 1 week off worked brilliantly for DSD. She loved spending a long time with mum and a long time with dad.
Her mother changed that arrangement via the courts and its really badly affected DSD. She begs DP all the time why cant I spend a long time with you too daddy, its not fair etc etc. Seriously DP has had months of DSD pleading to stay with us more.

ElenorRigby · 22/11/2008 10:47

Also alternate weekends leaves the parent with the weekends effectively cut out of doing ordinary mundane midweek stuff, not a good idea.
A female friend of mine whose ex had residence for their son has recently gone from her doing the weekend routine to a one week on one off arrangement. She was fed up of been seen as the fun weekend parent and her exP was fed up of being left to do the mundane stuff. Their son wanted to see his mum in the week get her help with school work, have do the school run stuff etc. The change has worked well for them.

LJWinN10 · 22/11/2008 12:35

Seems like pros and cons for both.

Whatever you decide, remember this: Nothing is forever.

In all cases, custody arrangements can, and should, chop and change. Which is a good thing. And as the children grow, they will tell youif you listen and allow that kind of dialoguewhat works for them and what doesn't.

You may well have to concede on this initially, if other parent digs heels in. You are in the fortunate position of being geographically close, which is so so important.

Good luck!

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