DP's DS doesn't want to spend time with me and my DC

[LJWinN10]

It is very early days in a new relationship, I have 2 children (12 & 8) DP has 1 (6). DP and I have been spending time together on alternate weekends, when the children are not around, but are now ready to start including them in our get togethers. DP has begun having meals with me and mine, about once a week, which was a bit fraught to start but it is all settling down now.

This weekend DP and his son are invited for Sunday lunch & dvd's, nothing fancy, but last night he said he (the 6 yr old) didn't want to come. So DP said he's not sure they're coming now.

I don't want to force this but...it doesn't feel very good. MY DC's were annoyed, mildly, when DP started coming round, but I made it clear that he was an important friend and I am allowed to have friends, just like they are. It calmed down quickly. I think they were just trying it on.

I understand it might be difficult for DP's son, but how much leeway do you allow a child in this sort of situation? If DP allows son to dictate now, does that bode badly for the future, or is it ok and should I relax?

I personally don't think little kids should call the shots, full stop.

If his dad feels comfortable about introducing him to you, then that's what should happen, despite any protests, or else he'll be showing his son that he has the "power" to dictate his dad's life and where does it stop ? What if his son never agrees to meet you, quite obviously, that'd then make your relationship very difficult if not impossible, especially as you become more serious ?

Having said that, has DP asked him why he doesn't want to go ? If he said he was shy, or "scared", then that can be worked on with lots of reassurance, or a compromise that they'll come over for just an hour at first so the prospect of meeting new people wouldn't be quite so daunting. If, however, it's because he "doesn't want" his dad to have a girlfriend, or because he wants to do xyz instead, then I'd put my foot down, because that would otherwise be allowing him to be in charge. I believe this sort of thing has to be nipped in the bud because giving very young children inappropriate levels of power/control can lead to horrendous problems later on.

Really, catsmother? of course children shouldn't call the shots with their parents in general, but introducing a new partner is very different. I would say go slowly, you said it's the early days in your relationship. A six year old is going to find it very hard to cope with the fact you even exist in his Dad's life, then he's expected to meet you AND your children. I say the complete opposite of catsmother - let the children call the shots on this issue.

If this 6 year old doesn't get much time with his dad then I think it is reasonable for him to have a big say in how that time together is spent.

Thanks all. I agree with all of you! This is my problem.

DP is not the residential parent, but he is very involved. His DS there every Wed evening and alternate weekends Fri eve-Mon morn. His son has met us, once at a restaurant, and once for a quick rainy Saturday afternoon visit, for tea and cake.

Trouble is, we are all going away together for New Years in France so we will be spending quite a lot of time together. I was hoping to get some time in before we go.

We did agree (DP & I) that it would be good to get the children together before we go, but if he allows son to back down...?

Another thing that has sent alarm bells off is when DP asked if I had told my DC about our holiday. Of course I have. He hasn't told his son.

I didn't think this would be easy but why does everything have to be so fraught

"why does everything have to be so fraught"
sympathy on that one.
There are a lot of relationships to manage here so I guess things are unlikely to go without a hitch from everyone's perspective.

As this is early on in the relationship I think you should try to relax about it and go with whatever your dp thinks is best, I don't think there is any real need to force the pace at this stage.

If you end up not spending much time with this little boy before you all go away together I think this is probably not a big deal, but if you alienate this little boy early in the relationship by putting pressure on him that could be a real problem.

LJ how long have you been seeing DP?

I agree completely with CatMandu. You have to go very slowly, it is a lot of changes for a 6 yr old. I was in a similar situation and put the DPs DD first because I was the adult and she was the child. It took about 6 months, but we then had a good relationship. You can't force these things.

Thanks all. Slowly slowly then. And I won't worry too much about 6 yr old deciding.

My stepfather (who inherited 4 of us from my mother!) suggested the pre-holiday get togethers as quite vital, so I think I'm stressing. But it will either happen, or it won't.

It is a really difficult thing, this!

Oh, and Elenor, we've been together since Feb, but kept the kids out until Sept.

Thanks again. Will surely be back for more sound advice.

I love this site.

Best of luck

Just to add another perspective...

When I was a child, I remember being intoduced to potential stepfamilies and I always hated it.

I think it's very hard for a child to feel they have to share their parent with a "partner" and be espected to go on holidays and be friends with their children and so on.

I think you have to take things slowly and make it clear to the child that you don't want to come between him and his dad. And that you're not trying to replace his mum, either.

When I was little, even seemingly innocuous things like seeing my mum hold hands with a man used to feel hurtful. "Why was she holding his hand, not mine?" So I would suggest that you let him sit next to his dad if you have a meal, for example, rather than expect him to sit with your children. With luck, after a while he'll decide that it's more fun to be with the other children, after all.

I think if you can show this boy that you see him and his dad as a unit and you are not going to "take his dad away"... then I think he'll come round in time.

HTH.

You've been together a very short time then, so my advice would be to back of a little and take it more slowly.

Bit late now but I was introduced as a friend of DSD's dad, so it was no threatening to DSD. We got to know eachother for literally years before DSD worked out I was daddy's "girlfriend" After our DD was born I heard DSD talking to her dad and asking "daddy are you going to get a girlfriend"