I just can't bond with my DSD. What should I do?

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

DSD is aged nearly 9. DH and I have DS aged 5. DSD and DS get on OK, but after a while she goes all moody and sulky and uncomunicative. I can't make head of tail of it, but we all find it very hard to deal with. She generally is not a very "mature" nearly 9 year old.

I'm not an evil stepmum - but I am finding her hard work. I just can't seem to bond with her at all. I have known her for just over three years now, DH too has only been in her life for that time, for a variety of reasons, that are irrelevant to this post.

What should I do. Am taking DS and his little friend out now but would be happy to look at any posts later.

Give her time and be patient - 9 is a hard age for little girls and it sounds like she hasn't had the most settled of lives the poor little thing - just love her and cherish her and watch her come round.

Hmm. She is nine, and didn't know either you or her father until three years ago. And now she spends time with you, her father and her stepbrother?

That's a very hard situation for a nine year old girl.

How is her relationship with her father? And her mother? Is her mother remarried with more children?

Spend some time with her on your own if you can, i find my dsd(9) hard to get along with sometimes, she realy enjoys it when i take her shopping to look at clothes and girly things.

Yes, I agree with Marne. Try to do some stuff with her on her own. Dsd loves shopping (although at that age hated it ), I often take her to the cinema to see something that is too old for dd, or we have a night in with a bowl of popcorn/goodies and watch DVDs that she chooses. She likes playing board games too when dd has gone to bed. I just try to make sure that her time here isn't based around dd (5) and the types of activities that suit her, but there's more of a balance or even that it goes more in dsd's favour. Dd has the whole of the rest of the time when dsd isn't here to do her "stuff".

I agree with MadameC too, lots of patience and don't expect to get anything back.

Thanks for your advice. I think that time on our own would be a good idea. It's just that DS aged 5 is so competitive and possessive over me and if I gave DSD attention, he would act up so much.

That does sound a bit like you daren't give her any special attention for fear of your ds's reaction. Probably not the truth, I'm sure you're lovely, but she may feel it that way. Imagine what that would be like if you were a 9yo girl. Or if it was your ds who was the stepchild and his stepmum said 'oh I daren't give him any attention because of my own child's reaction'.

You need to meet the needs of your dsd (and I don't mean just material needs), just as you would if she were your ds's sibling. And you can be assured that he would play up if he was jealous of an ordinary sibling- and you'd just have to take it in your stride.

I have noticed that step-parents tend to up their stepchild's age - eg not eight, but 'nearly nine', while their own children are their own age or made younger ('just over four etc)
Agree with Cory. Sounds as if you need to both discipline your five year old, and look after your eight year old a little more. Treat them as equals. If they were both yours by blood, you wouldn't dream of saying, 'oh, I can't give one of my children any attention as otherwise my other one acts up.' You sometimes tell your bio child to be quiet or take second place to pay attention to your stepchild, and ditto with knobs on to your dh.

Maybe she is "nearly" 9. I haven't given my dsd's age, but I'd describe her as "nearly" 13. It's her birthday in 5 days time. It's something everyone does as a birthday approaches or passes isn't it?

It's just something I have noticed on MN and elsewhere. It's to do with expectations. Often people expect more of their stepchildren as they didnt know them as very vulnerable babies, so see their children as in need of protection (mustn't upset them by showing attention to the other child etc) and the stepchild as annoyingly childish adn needy, despite the fact there is only 2-3 year between them. IN this case, that seems to be the case. I'd guess an eight year old from a fractured family, having lost her father for the first five years of her life, needs more attention than a five year old being brought up in a stable home.

Do you never refer to your own children as "nearly" or "just over" whatever their age is.

While I agree that the TSLB's ds needs to learn that when his sister is there his parents' attention needs to be shared, I'm not sure about the rest of what you say - maybe it just is what it is and her dsd is 9 soon?

I take your ppint mabanana - but DSD does get attention and plenty of it. We include her in everything we do when she is here. However I disagree that she shoudl get more attention than DS on the assumption that his home life is must be more stable than hers just because he has a mum and dad and she is from a single parent family. DS is used to being here on his own, and apart from having to share when DSD is here, I think it would be wrong and detrimental (to both children) in the long term to tip the balance of attention in her favour when she is here. DS and I are extremely close - I think that would just mess him up.

DSD is actually 9 next week! Hence my use of "nearly". And DS has just had his 5th birthday two weeks ago. We do tell DS not to act up when he doesn't want to share etc, or when he is having a jealous tantrum. But it is difficult when the other child is not your own - plus with the situation of DH not really having been around her for all those years.
Do you think it is really that easy to treat a child that is not your own as if they were yours? When she goes into one of her broody sulks, I try to make allowances for her, and her age, but where do you draw the line? Especially when it starts to affect everyone in the house in a negative way. How long can I keep saying to him "Leave X alone and let her have some space", an hour, two hours, a day, a week? This week, I took her out (albeit with DS) and bought them both some boots, we went to the park, went out for lunch, watched DVD's, I did her hair. She did not even thank me for the boots or doing her hair - just a simple thank you that you would expect as a courtesy or politeness.

Would you expect your ds to say thank you for the boots and going to the park?

I think in order to treat a step-child as your own you need to get to know them and love them. It is a very different relationship to one with your own child but has its rewards in different ways. What I do if I feel I might react differently to dsd to dd is take a step back, stop and think "if this were dd how would I react, how would I feel" and then adjust my reaction accordingly.

And we have the same boundaries for each child. The sanctions may be different and age-related, but there are certain levels of behaviour that are expected of both of them.

Have you ever tried to talk to her on her own when she isn't being sulky? Tried to get to the bottom of what is going on for her at those times? I find that works with dsd - I have to find the right moment but she can really open up. And I generally start it with the hand of friendship if I've been a bit "shouty" at her. If I ever feel I've been a bit unfair or grumpy I'll tell her so and apologise. We've had some fab conversations about the difference between my relationship with her and mine with dd, and I use those times to tell her exactly how much I love her and how important she is to me. When we're driving alone is a good time. In the shower combing out her nits used to be another good time but she's too old for that now!

How easy would it be to get someone to have your ds so you could do something on your own with her? If you want to crack this one I think that would be key.

I imagine that she will have all kinds of complex emotions that she doesn't understand or know how to exress. It must be difficult coming into a ready made family - she probably feels a little on the outside of things - and please don't think I mean because of anything you have done, I just mean with you having DS and being a family unit, and DSD not having had a relationship with either you or her Dad until 3 years ago, it must be difficult for her. Also if you're feeling frustrated with her she probably picks that up from you even if you don't openly say anything.

I think Surfermum makes some very good points - try to get her to open up to you so you can understand her a little and also try to take a step back and think how you would react to your DS in similar circumstances, or how you would want a stepmum to react to him.

You do have my sympathy though, as step relationships can be incredibly hard - my DSD's are now 18 and 11, generally we get on well, but we have had our moments over the last 6 years!

TheSweetLittleBunny on Sun 02-Nov-08 10:47:43

"How long can I keep saying to him "Leave X alone and let her have some space", an hour, two hours, a day, a week? "

If you had more than one child yourself, this is what you would find yourself saying all the time. Have just spent all weekend saying it. It's natural and normal when more than one child is together in the same house.

It sounds a bit like you are unused to the level of aggro and jealousy that happens even between siblings in an ordinary happy home. Naturally, you can expect a bit more between step-siblings, and of course it is possible that your dsd is being a bit extra difficult.

But even if these factors were not there, you would still have a lot of sulks and jealousy and still feel as if you were expected to cut yourself in two. That is a normal part of parenting.

Surfermum you sound so patient - perhaps you have been doing this for longer than I have - but I hope soem of that rubs off on to me
I take cory's point - we are not used to having two children and all the "aggro and jealousy" that goes with it. DSD is with us for such short periods of time, so I feel it is a shame that a lot of that time is spent with her sulking, DS getting wound up and DH and I refereeing. We only see her once a month when we travel down to London to take her out for the day, and sometimes during school hols - there just doesn't seem to be enough time to make any kind of bond.

Have you and your dh thought of spending some time with your ds there? Or even you DH spending time with her alone until they have built up some kind of a bond, and then the 2 of you, and once the little girl is feeling more secure then all spend time together with her and your ds?

Seeing her once a month is not a lot to be able to build up a bond if she is not getting full attention

and tbh if she is 'sulking' al lot of the time you are with her, i dont think leaving her alone is the right thing to do (that is something you do with the dc you live with, and spend a lot of time with) maybe try and distract her next time and see if it brings her out of herself a little.

She sounds like she needs lots of one to one love and attention.

sorry, first sentence should say without your ds there

I have a 9 year old dd and also have a stepmother so have been the sd since I was 7. I think you are being unrealistic, sorry, but I have three children and it's very important to give each one time with you alone. Your dh should also be spending time with his d without you and your ds. It's all a bit much for her to take on at this age.

I do understand that it's harder when you see her for such comparatively short times; it makes everything seem so much more important.

(Have just spent entire weekend with ds (8) alternatively sulking and shouting at the rest of the family- our only crime was having the flu which made him feel unwanted and unloved. But easier for us as ds will still be with us tomorrow and the day after and every day, so easier to redress the balance after we've had a bit of a blip.)

VineGuy makes some good suggestions; I would try something like that if I were you. This girl needs to have a bit of fun with you, to build up a store of good memories for the days when things go wrong.

Thanks all of you, your posts are very helpful and I am sorry I have not replied straight away - not been able to get to the computer.