I'm so cross, just need somewhere to vent my anger!!

[mampam]

ExH and his wife had a baby about 4 weeks ago. Ex and I have 2 dc's. Low and behold I had a letter from CSA on Monday informing me child maintenace would be cut from a pittance to even more of a pittance. Claim had been made 2 days after their baby was born,Ex was obviously quick off the mark.

Now here's the thing that has really made my blood boil. It's maintenance day today (gets paid into my B/A once a week), have been online and looked at my statement, the maintenance has been paid in but she's he's taken off the difference to what they have been paying to what the CSA have calculated he should've been paying since their baby has arrived, so I've got just over £10 this week. It really pisses me off that he hasn't even had the common curtesy to let me know her his intentions, instead just does it and doesn't bother to say a f**king word.

Losing £30 in one week may not matter to him but it does to me. I'm not as well off as him.

Thank you for letting me vent my anger and sorry for the swear words!!

What a prick. When we had our DS we didn't reduce DHs Xs' maintenance at all. It would have only been about 14quid a month less and would have been mean of us to do so.

I totally empathise with that one, my exH's baby is due just before christmas and it's bad enough that after 2 years of a set amount his OH made him cut weekly money by £20 but now I'm facing the prospect of it being cut even more!! And their household income is double ours after he pays for the kids.

I'm in New Zealand, and we (obviously) have a different system, but anyway, we did not cut the child support payments to DH's ex when we had our boys. We actually pay alot more now, as it's calculated on what DH earns. We pay NZ$950 a month, which is about 320 pounds. This is quite hard for us, but it really is DH's responsibility.

Your ex's new wife knew what she was getting herself into, and it really isn't fair to cut payments. Your costs won't have changed since they had a child, so you still need the same amount of child support.

Here in NZ you can choose to make payments by mutual agreement instead of going through the tax system. This is what we do, but you need to all be on good terms.

We have alot of state support in NZ for lower income families who are in paid work. As a result, our two families have about the same amount of income, despite my DH earning well over twice what his ex earns.

Just to clarify - that's the same income after we pay child support.

I was expecting the money to go down per week once the baby was born because I know how petty they are. But what really annoyed me was that ex didn't even have the decency to let me know that they were going to take it upon themselves to back date the money from when the baby was born and therefore leave me with only £10 maintenance on that specific week.

Ex earns more each week than both DH and I do with our wages put together, his wife has a well paid job too. We live on a week to week basis so to suddenly have nearly £30 less one week without warning wasn't very nice at all. Before ex moved in with her I used to get £60 per week, when she got her hands on his bank account it went down to £50 per week and has been going down ever since and now it is £39.29p!!! I'm actually quite disgusted at the fact that a man with a well paid job doesn't even have to pay £20 per child per week.

You would have thought that any (supposedly) loving father would want to pay his way for his own children, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work like that!

I really felt I should just jump in here and say that it isn't always because of the exes partner that CSA payments get reduced! DH used to pay his ex partner a set amount by cheque every month. When he and I got together (3 years after they split up) she went to the CSA because she was told she would get more money. She actually got slightly less than he used to pay her directly, even though he actually pays more. I have been with my husband for 6 and a half years and when we moved in together, his ex partner took it upon herself to tell the CSA the day we moved into our house because she believed she would get more money if my wages were taken into consideration. The CSA re-assessed DH and upon receipt of my details, his payments went up by £6 per week and she still got no extra. We have been trying for a baby for some time, without success but if I did get pregnant then we certainly wouldn't go running to the CSA to tell them, but when his re-assessment form comes through he would have to declare any new children and I then assume the CSA would take it upon themselves to re-adjust any payments just as they do when any situations change. DH pays for anything the children need, as and when they need it, clothes, shoes, school trips, school uniforms etc. He would never see his children go without and nor would I. Not all second wives / partners are out to make mothers lives hell. I just want to live happily with DH and be a good stepmother, nothing more. I personally think it is the CSA system that is messed up and is the problem, it is not a fair system and is certainly not fair on the children.

Malibu, I am certainly not trying to say that all second wives are 'out to make mothers lives hell'. Everybody's circumstances are different and I have an ongoing problem with my ex's wife or should I say that she has an ongoing problem with me. Over the last 4 years I can honestly say that she has gone out of her way to make my life hell (for reasons unknown to me)but that is a whole other story!!

My ex pays for no extra's. No help with school shoes, coats, school trips or after school clubs. About a year after we split up, when I lived on my own with dc's, it was just before Christmas and I had absolutely no money, I had to buy some material to make ds a sheep costume for his pre-school nativity play. I had worked out that it would cost about £5, so I asked ex for £2.50 towards it and he said "no, I can't afford it". This is what I'm up against.

Mampam, I can see that your ex and his partner are clearly out of order and are treating both you and the children appallingly. It is just that before everyone starts assuming all second wives are like that I wanted to clarify (to anyone who may have read it that way) that we aren't all like that. There are bad and good new wives just like there are bad and good mothers.

DH gives and gives for his ex and children but it is never ever enough in her eyes even though we are overdrawn every month, but we would rather go overdrawn than see the children go without. She however, has more money than us as she is claiming all the benefits but working cash in hand. This for example, enables her to be able to spend £300-£400 each on the kids for Christmas whereas we can only afford to spend around £150 each on them. What she is doing is wrong and some people might say, why dont you shop her to the benefits agency? However, what would it achieve? She has already been done for benefit fraud in the past and what good is she to the children if she is locked up? We turn a blind eye because it would only mean the children losing out if anything were to be done about it.

I think for someone in your situation and others like you, the CSA is also the problem. They need to find a fairer way to ensure that mothers get enough money to care for their children.

I cant believe your ex cant afford £2.50 towards a costume. It sounds like he is being a total git. We have just paid £125, half towards a school trip to London for DSS plus new rugby boots at £35. I thought that was what fathers did, pay half towards things like that. From reading posts like this, Im beginning to see that we are probably in the minority!

Malibu, rest assured, you and the majority of "step-mums" on MN seem absolutely lovely and I would give my right arm to have a second wife like you! (IYSWIM?) Unfortunately for me I seem to have landed the short straw. Oh well I'll just continue to be jealous of all the other first wives whose dc's have got a lovely step-mum!!

I agree, the CSA system is all wrong. I shouldn't be made to struggle for money just because ex has another child. There definitely does need to be a fairer system put in place for both parties involved.

Mampam hugs] to you. I really do feel for you and your children and hope that your ex comes to his senses soon and starts paying a fair amount towards his children.

mampam your children's father doesn't sound very nice. I am in shock at the sheep constume, given you were doing the difficult bit and making it I would have expected him to pay for all the materials.

When we had our DD (I am my husband's 2nd wife) we didn't drop the maintenance payments to his 'first' children. ALthough x wife has a husband who earns so much she doesn't need to work and I had to go back to work full time when our DD was 6 months old.

Are there any mums who have their stepkids full time, because their Mother wont look after them? And thats won't,not can't? I'm struggling how to tell them this. (boys age 5&12)

skfa

be truthful with them.. dont be blunt and over the top(and dont be btter even if you feel that way) but say something like. Your mother didnt feel that she could manage to look after you both but she still loves you both a huge amoutn and lucky daddy and I get to be with the 2 of you all the time.

children need to know the truth but it is up to us how we present that truth.