help - my SS is the sole topic of diagreement between me and DP

[pobspants]

Yet again another disagreement started by our different reactions to my SS behaviour. I think he is rude, demanding and acts in a very spoilt way. DP thinks I am too harsh on him and should cut him some slack. I have been trying very hard but i just find a lot of his behaviour so disagreeable and think if he's not challenged he'll just carry on thinking he's right, an I fear turn into an incredibly arrogant and overbearing teenager and adult (he's 10). DP does challenge him on certain things but it's SS general air of arrogance and demanding tone that is like a red rag to me.
So should I bite my lip? It would make my relationship with DP so much easier, but then it would also make me very sad as I feel that I will be having no input into SS development into an adult.
SS spends half the week with us every week so it's not like it's an accasional visit that i can just keep my mouth clamped together for!

Hi,

Do you have kids? It sounds like you don't... Alot of 'disagreeable' behaviour is standard for a 10YO!!

IMHO, Yes, you should bite your tongue - this should be up to your DP to sort BUT you should have agreed behaviours - no swearing / curfews etc.,

Once those rules are agreed (whatever they are) your DP should enforce.

I do. I have an 8 year old and we have a 20 month old together. DP wants me to back off and him enforce but I feel that he doesn't enforce enough! I know everyone has different styles and limits etc. but I am just generally unimpressed by SS demanding and arrogance. I don't want my DS to grow up copying that and I will be as 'harsh' with him if he shows this type of behaviour. He always insists he is right and thinks he can write off aanything I say as me being unreasonable. DP says he supports me in that he lets and leaves me to deal with things if we (SS and I) are in the thick of it and never undermines me in front of SS (well only occasionally!) though unfortunately he did undermine a few times early on in the relationship which I think gave SS fuel to just write off what i say! I think that DP verbally supporting me when I am saying things to SS (ie. reiterating what I am saying to SS and sayinghe thinks I am right to SS) would show him that he does need to take me seriously and listen to me but he thhinks that would just cause friction as it would look like he was taking my side over SS...
Sorry to rant on...

How does your DP act to your 8YO? Does he allow him the same 'freedom' or not?

It doesn'y particularly come up as my 8YO really doesn't act in that way. Of course she has her moments but she is a very amiable, helpful girl (and DP agrees that..

Just wanted to say i know exactly how you feel - the only thing my dh and I fall out over is disciplining the kids - we have 2 each. I find that he allows his children to treat everyone with no respect and as a consequence they are quite unruly on times. As he is their parent I try to stand back and wait for him to discipline them - but hes so laid back he could fall over! I get frustrated and feel that my children probably think there are different rules for their step-siblings. I guess even parents whos children are theirs biologically (you know what I mean)disagree over parenting styles - but with step-children there is sometimes the element of "its not really your place"

Husband and I mainly fall out over my 11 year old son. He says he's rude, I think husband looks for things to find fault with and never praises my son. If he makes a comment it's always a negative one.
I think you do treat stepsiblings differently as the love isn't there. Try doing stuff together and making positive noises sometimes. Agree boys can be difficult at that age. My son always thinks he's right. I just tease him about this where as husband gets upset and takes it personally.

My partner also thinks I pick up on ALL the negative things. It's true I probably do take it a bit personally and should be more relaxed at times, an example is that ss sometimes claims he was joking and says that I have missed the joke, but as I explained to him it's a hard joke to see when he is acting in exactly the same way as when he's not joking!
I have promised to try and lighten up, if he makes it easier for me to see when it;s a joke by being polite and charming the rest of the time!
I do a lot of constructive stuff with him etc. and am very encouraging about the positives, of his personality, behaviour etc.
I think as a stepparent you aren't as forgiving/can't gloss over as much as you would with a biological child - I guess we're biologically programmed to love out children unconditionally whereas we can be more objective about a stepchild.