Am I being unreasonable? Partner’s children, boundaries and blended family
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m exhausted and starting to feel like I’m constantly the difficult one.
My partner and I have been together for a few years. We don’t live together permanently. He has two children and I have two children, and we’ve deliberately kept our own homes because of the children.
I’ve recently had knee surgery and, because I’m currently very limited with mobility, I’m staying at his house for around six weeks while I recover. He’s working all day and then helping with my children, doing school runs, cooking etc., so I completely appreciate that he is doing a lot at the moment.
Last year, on the exact day of my knee surgery, there was a huge situation involving his ex-wife and daughter needing to stay. This year, on the exact day of my surgery, we had another big situation involving them. It has honestly made what should have been a very difficult but quiet recovery period even more stressful.
This weekend his children are due to go to their dad’s. I suggested that we ask his children not to come here this weekend because I’m completely housebound, he’s working all day and exhausted, and I thought it would be nice for us to have a quiet weekend together. I also said that if they weren’t here, I could afford to get a takeaway for us as a little treat because I’ve already provided food for the next few weeks while I’m recovering.
When his children are here, there are often messages late into the night because they have decided they’re hungry after refusing dinner, want something bought, want money for something, or want to go somewhere. They can also be awake until 4/5am making noise, and then we’re expected to be quiet during the day because they are sleeping.
I find it incredibly difficult, particularly while recovering from surgery and being largely bedbound.
His children had previously started coming every other weekend when my children were here, but his eldest seems to be coming on the other weekends again now. It also feels like we don’t do anything together because my partner feels guilty going anywhere if she is at home.
For example, we took all the children away for a weekend recently and she spent virtually the entire two days in the bedroom. I’m struggling with the idea of spending a lot of money for someone to come away with us when they don’t actually want to participate. I don’t want to exclude her, but equally I don’t think every family activity should be dictated by whether she wants to attend.
There are also basic things that are getting to me because I’m already struggling physically. They don’t tidy up after themselves, leave half-drunk bottles of water everywhere because they won’t drink tap water, and generally leave more work for us.
Then there’s the issue with my partner’s ex.
She has apparently been looking at my Facebook through the children and commenting on what my partner spends on me and what he buys me compared with what he spends on them. I genuinely don’t understand why that is my responsibility. He is currently doing my school runs because I have literally just had surgery and cannot do them myself. That doesn’t mean he should suddenly have to justify anything he spends on me.
There was also an issue last week because I went with him to parents’ evening. His ex has previously excluded him from communication with the school and allowed their daughter to be homeschooled, which unfortunately didn’t work out.
I have been the one pushing for her to get back into school, having meetings, speaking to the previous school and getting information together. Now she is at a new school, we have a joint email address and I help manage the communication during the day because he is working and cannot always access his phone. If something needs his input, I contact him through work.
His ex is now unhappy about me being involved.
What I find particularly frustrating is that she previously wanted my help with homeschooling, taking their daughter out, and spending my own money and time doing things with her. But now that I’m involved in the school side and actually helping her get settled, apparently I’m overstepping.
There is now another issue around concerts and activities. My partner has apparently been told that whenever we want to go to a concert, he has to ask his daughters whether they want tickets because we went to see an artist this year who the youngest suddenly decided she liked, and she was upset that she wasn’t taken.
I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with this. If my partner and I want to go to a concert together, surely we are allowed to do that without having to offer his children tickets every single time?
I completely understand that his children should feel included and loved. I also understand that I have chosen to be with someone who has children and that they will always be a priority to him.
But I’m starting to feel like there is no space for us as a couple, and that every decision we make has to revolve around whether his children might be upset.
I also feel like I’m being expected to financially contribute to things for his children, accommodate them in our home, help with school, include them in trips and activities, etc., while at the same time his ex seems to resent my involvement and scrutinise what my partner spends on me.
So, genuinely, am I being unreasonable?
Should I just accept that this is what being in a relationship with someone with children looks like, or is it reasonable to expect some boundaries and for us to have a life together that doesn’t revolve around his children’s every request?
I’m particularly interested in hearing from people in blended families or people who have been the partner without children in this situation. How do you actually make it work without resentment building up?