DH Not Wanting Anymore Children

[Malibugirl]

Hi, Im new here, but thought I would just see if anyone is going or has gone through a similar situation to me.

I have been with DH for 6 years and we just got married 2 months ago. DH has 3 children from a previous relationship (they weren't married) DSS - 20, DSS - 11 and DSD - 10. I have always had a reasonably amicable relationship with them, although BM has not been the best person and has done her best to try and make the kids (especially DSD) not like me. I dont understand why as I actually met DH when they had already been seperated for 3 years so had no play in the breakdown of their relationship. I have loved and treated those kids as though they were my own, but even after 6 years I still get no respect, no politeness or even civility from them.

I made it clear within a couple of months of meeting DH that I wanted a child of my own and he always said that one day we would. However, over the last 3 years or so, it has become apparent that he doesn't really want anymore children, as he worries that his youngest DSS (who is a daddys boy) would be jelouse. We live nearly 200 miles from the children due to DH's job. He says he would feel guilty having another baby that he would see every day when he only sees his kids once a month (due to the distance and cost of petrol). I feel terribly let down by him as it was not my fault he moved away from his kids. He moved away 2 years before he met me so I had no part in his moving.

I have even said that I am prepared to give up my family and job and move closer to his children if that is what it takes, but he doesn't want to as he knows he wont get such a well paid job where they live.

Has anyone else experienced problems like this where DH / DP has not wanted another child for fear of making his children jelouse? I am not sure if BM has had a say in this aswell, or whether she has threatened him reduced time with his kids if he has anymore. She has threatened him before about other things, so it wouldn't surprise me, but I dont want to blame her if she hasn't done anything wrong.

What do I do, do I just accept the fact I am destined not to have a child of my own (I am 37 and DH is 42 by the way) or do I give up my DH and stepchildren to have a family of my own?

He stays over once a fortnight(lately less, he's had his won things to do) and DP takes him out once or twice a week. We are no longer in the same town but not to far away. I do think that distance thing is a red herring though, even if you did move closer there'd be another excuse.

I really think you should issue that ultimatum. Tell him you're giving him 6 months and don't mention it again until the deadline nears. Let him weigh things up by himself. I'd given my DP until March/April but by January he'd relented. I'd stopped mentioning it but he could see I was unhappy and came to a decision without me having to utter another word.

Good luck!

Agree about not putting your lives on hold for a 10yo, dss is now 14 and spends more time with his friends than with his dad and I can practically guarantee in a few more years there'll be even less contact.

I too divorced my ex h because he changed his mind about having children.

My dp now has a daughter and when we were ttc, I had a couple of miscarriages and was convinced I was going to be unable to have children. Having a step daughter made it worse tbh. I loved her but she made me see what I was missing out on iyswim. I also felt dp and I weren't going through the same things, because he'd already been blessed with having a child and I didn't think I would be (sorry, that last bit sounded horribly w*nky but I can't think how help to put it)

Siblings can get jealous - whether they're full, half, step - whatever. However, in a few year's time your dss will probably be too busy with his mates to want to spend too much time with his dad and you might have missed out on having a family.

FWIW - we had our dd and dsd absolutely adores her. No jealousy or anything.

It would be a no brainer for me - I loved my ex h, but wanting children was much stronger

Hi,

I've been here... DH would have prefered not to have children. He's coming up 44, I'm 36.

I'd pretty much come to terms with that when we got married (last September). In fact, I was OK with it.......... DS was born in May (you do the maths - DS came home with us from Honeymoon!!)

I adore being a mum. Our DS is just gorgeous and my step daughters are fine with our son...

All I'm saying is that if it's important to you then it's not worth letting it go.

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice.

DH and I are not even speaking now although last night, during an argument, I did get out of him that I was right, he was feeling guilty for moving so far away from his kids and having another baby would make him feel even more guilty. So basically it would appear that it is a case of I have to suffer to ease his conscience?

I get the distinct feeling that after only 2 months, our marriage is over! Trust me to fall in love with the one man that I truly wanted to have as the father of my child!

going back on a promise is grossly unfair. I imagine he knew how important this was to you so he said you would have children in order that you would marry him and then once he had what he wanted, ie your commitment, he figured it was safe to go back on that promise and let his true feelings show.

It's ultimatum time.

Thanks all. Thanks for the hug Jammi, just what I needed.

He still argues that he has "never said he WOULDN'T have one" he just says that he wants to wait until DSS is older. Well by the time he is 18 (7 years time) I will be 44 and DH will be nearly 50! So that wont happen will it?

I was with a man who didn't want children for 12 years. When we got together in our early twenties I didn't want them either - I just thought that as we got older we'd both change our minds. But he didn't and I did and it became a huge issue. I got very ill with depression and when I'd put myself back together again I eventually left him, went on to meet dh and we had dd.

Now I have dd I know with certainty that I was meant to be a mum, and that had I stayed with my x I would have ended up being very angry and resentful. I look back on how I was as a person then and can see how much it was affecting me. I used to hate being around people with children and I would dread another friend telling me they were pregnant.

I really, really feel for you because it's an impossible situation to be in. We really loved each other but it wasn't something that either of us could compromise over. What I think has been really unfair is that he led you to believe that you would have your own child and is now backtracking. At least my x was honest all along and that was something I appreciated.

On the one hand I regret the amount of time I just let the situation fester, but on the other if I hadn't left my x when I did I would never have met dh, who I think I was meant to be with. Maybe that was my path.

I think if I went through that time again my advice to myself would be to look deep into my heart and my instincts and go with them, as hard as it may be.

Have a from me too and I send you lots of love and blessings to help ease your journey, whatever you decide to to.

He is being grossly unfair - I'm so sorry you're going through this

HIs dss would not be losing his father, he would just be gaining a sibling (and a more content step mum).

I really hope he comes round soon. You have given him the choice to move closer to ease his guilt and have done everything you can. In your position, I would tell him that you are willing to wait, say, 2 years and if he doesn't feel differently, you will move on.

Does your dh realise that his reluctance could actually end his marriage ?

An absent father's guilt is often huge and the fact that he is taking his ds's feelings into consideration is a sign that he is a good father but he needs to be a good husband as well.

Have a hug from me as well (((())))

Thank you Surfermum and Tilly for your kindness, advice and especially your hugs, just what I need at the moment.

DH is a good father and guilt is an awful thing, but he left his children, it was a choice that he made, not me, not his ex, not the kids. I dont see why anyone should have to suffer because of his choices and subsequent guilt.

I dont think that I can live without having a child, however, I am in the added tricky situation that I dont even know if I can conceive as doctors have told me I could be infertile anyway. Without trying I wont know, but unless he changes his mind then we wont be trying, so its a catch 22 situation really.

Malibugirl - if you do decide to give him the ultimatum then give him 6 months max. It's not a new concept to him and you don't have time on your side, so I wouldn't waste any more time if I were you.

I didn't know if I could conceive either. I'd managed to convince myself I had all sorts of infertility conditions (I'm quite hairy so thought I had pcos for a start) but in the end it took me around 7 months, which wasn't bad for an old bird like me. While your waiting (and if you can afford it) why don't you get a fertility check up done? At the very least it will put your mind at rest that everything's OK for when you do start.

When I left my x I was 36. I had no idea whether I would meet someone else, meet someone while I was still young enough to have children or whether I would be able to conceive.

But what I did know was that if I stayed I wasn't even giving myself the option, and I felt I was better off at least giving myself the chance than staying put.

My sentiments exactly Surfermum.

Hi Malibu - Been thinking about this. I think it could be that your DH never really wanted kids, so just kept putting it off thinking (hoping?) you would come round to his way of thinking.

I very nearly did - by the time we married I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I had two (very wonderful) step daughters.

But, I can honestly say, having DS has changed my world - ALL for the better.

There are other issues for us which are still a bit problematic - but if you think you want a baby, and don't think you can just let it be, then I think you have to make a stand, because it will eat away at you.

I do hope you are able to get through to him.

Thank you Surfermum and Brangelina. We are going to sit down and talk (not argue for a change) tonight and it will be make or break time. I am going to give him the 6 months option and if he values our marriage he will listen. If not then he clearly doesn't value our marriage and I will have no choice but to go. Very wise words Surfermum, at least I will have the chance rather than no chance if I stayed put!

I will also consider having a fertility check done. Does anyone know how much this costs?

I couldn't agree more, Surfermum.

I felt the same way. Am now 37 and 23 weeks pregnant with DS1.

i thought, 'fine, if i can't have kids, at least i'll know i tried and i can make peace with that'. but if we stayed together i'd never know, and like surfer it was turning me into someone i didn't like.

again, that's why i think it would really help if you saw a counsellor on your own.

because the FACT is you would not have married him if he had been honest with you.

I think alot of it depends on how much you love him. Leaving a man because he has changed his mind about children could be a huge mistake if you never meet anyone you love that much again and discover you can't have children anyway.
I would try and persuade him. If you got married 2 months ago and he made it clear "over the past 3 years" that he didn't want more kids then you can't really imply he changed his mind just after the wedding as some posters have said. It sounds as though you married him knowing he'd gone off the idea rather than saying "if we are to stay together and get married I want children".
I wonder if the wedding planning took first place and neither of you bothered to really talk about what sort of marriage and relationship you both wanted until it was too late.

You're in such a hard place right now MG and I really feel for you. I think the advice you've been given on here is really, really good.

Whatever you decide, you could even go for an anullment of the marriage. Tricking you and not wanting to procreate are 2 reasons which would dissolve a marriage. That way rather than through a divorce you'd be free much quicker rather than wait for 2 years or even 5.

Wishing you strength in your decision-making.

'I think alot of it depends on how much you love him.'

No, it depends on how much the OP loves herself and what she wants out of life.

Could it be that he's just voicing his concerns to you? That he is concerned about youngest being jealous? That he doesn't want to give up holidays and the lifestyle? Is there a compromise? Perhaps for the first few years, perhaps going somewhere close?

Sounds to me like the beginning of the conversation rather than the end!

Or have I got it totally wrong?

Thanks all so much once again for your help and advice. We have talked and although we still need to talk some more, I think we are starting to make common ground.

Ilovemydog, Im a bit confused by your post. Im sure he is concerned but that doesn't help me with regards to something that we agreed we would do (have a baby) about 5 or 6 years ago. He could have aired these "concerns" back then surely? "Is there a compromise" How can there be a compromise between having a baby and not having a baby? Or have I misread that? "Perhaps going somewhere close" not sure what you mean by that, going somewhere close to having a baby? I dont think it is the beginning of the conversation or the end. Time is not really on my side for it to be the beginning and Im not going to be defeatest and say it is the end either. Sorry, Im not getting at your comments, I merely just dont understand them.

We will hopefully work this out and I will hopefully be telling you in the near future that I am going to be a mummy!