Advice needed from moms/stepparents: I (25M) am in love with a woman (34F) who has a 17yo son.

[HonestIntentions25]

I’m writing this reaching out especially to women, moms, and stepparents who have older teenagers. I need to understand what goes through your mind and heart, because the situation I’m in is tearing me apart.

I (25M) have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman (34F) for several months. I truly love her and want to build a future with her; this isn't just a fling. She had her son when she was 17. They basically grew up together, they have a very close, almost enmeshed bond, and today he is 17, practically a young man. The problem is: he knows absolutely nothing about us.

There is a very strong physical passion and overwhelming intimacy between her and me. But I realize the psychological inner conflict she is experiencing: on one hand, she is the protective mother of a teenager; on the other, she is a woman in the prime of her sexuality who is letting go and is desired by a guy who, age-wise, is much closer to her son's age than hers. I can see this contrast is tearing her apart: she feels a huge sense of guilt, a sort of "taboo" that terrifies her at the thought of coming clean.

I get along well with her son, and I try to be like an older brother to him. But precisely to protect him, until now she and I have kept our intimacy a secret: I would go to her house in the morning when he was at school, we would be intimate in her bed, and then I would leave before he came back.

But now I’ve reached a breaking point. I can't do this anymore.

I feel that by sneaking into his house, I am betraying this kid's trust. I act like a friend looking him in the eyes, but then I enter his safe space, his sanctuary, behind his back. I feel guilty, I feel like I’m tainting the relationship I have with him, and I experience this secrecy as a profound lack of respect. I have decided I will no longer go to their house in secret.

I want to do things right, but I know she has to be the one to dictate the timeline for talking to her son.

Moms, women, stepparents, I ask you with an open heart:

1. How would you experience this split between being the mother of an older teenager and being a woman experiencing such a strong physical passion with a younger man?
2. How can I tell her that I no longer want to sneak into her house because I feel like a traitor to her son, *without making her feel rejected as a woman*?
3. How can I help her overcome the fear of this age "taboo" so she can find the courage to talk to him?

Thank you to anyone who will help me understand the mind of the woman I love.

This woman is using you for sex and company and has no plans to build a real future with you due to your age and how close it is to her son's age. You don't need to worry about her feeling rejected, she's a big girl. Just tell her you want a real relationship and move on.

If, by chance, she is willing to give you that, she will get her arse in gear and stop this silly stuff.

I'm a mum of a 17yo son. I haven't had an intimate relationship for a while because my child's security & happiness must come first.

However at 17, they grow up and find a world of their own really quickly. My ds is off to uni in the autumn and I will redevelop my social life when he goes. Maybe find a new partner.

What are the son's plans for a career? You may not have long to wait before your partner is free to be with whoever she wants.

I'd say bide your time, see what his plans are.

Thank you so much for this message. Your comment really hit me hard and opened my eyes. Hearing these words from a mother who is in the exact same situation helps me deeply understand the silent sacrifices you make for your children.

It takes a very strong and selfless woman to put her own intimate life and desires on hold just to protect her son's peace of mind. I have an immense amount of respect for you for doing that.

Speaking from the perspective of a son, I can say that if my mother had a relationship with another man today, I would only care about her happiness, and to me, he could even be my exact same age. Her happiness would come first, above any social convention or awkwardness. But I just wouldn't want to be made a fool of; to me, honesty and open dialogue are the most important things.

Anyway, if she is not ready, I am more than willing to be patient and wait for him to spread his wings.

However, I just don't feel like going to her house anymore. We will simply have to find other ways to keep our passion alive outside of those walls until she feels free.

Thank you for showing me the beauty and the weight of a mother's patience. I truly hope that when your son goes off to uni this autumn, you find a partner who fully appreciates the incredible, passionate, and selfless woman you are. You deserve it.

She could go to yours? How does he know you- under what guise? I think you need to tell her it’s not okay to sneak around behind her son’s back any more and she shouldn’t want to anyway. Having someone sneak into the house for sex while a teen sleeps is pretty yuck to be honest. He’s not a toddler who wouldn’t know what was going on if he woke up and heard you guys. Eeeeew. You will have no chance of him accepting your relationship if this is how it starts- him finding you guys together one morning.
Does she want more children in the future? What are your long term plans workwise? What about travel etc.
I have a son and a daughter both in their twenties but the daughter is a mum and honestly their lives are not aligned rn. They are so different in terms of responsibilities and interests and I could see her getting with an older man whose life is in a similar place to hers but I could not see my son with someone older as his is not at that stage. It’s not about age differences but life and hers has been vastly different to yours and your future may look very different unless you don’t want kids (and I’m sorry but I doubt you will know for sure at 25) or she wants more.

Lotsnto consider. But first the honesty with her son. If it’s serious start treating him with the respect he deserves. And tell him.

First of all, just to clarify: I never went to her house while her son was sleeping. I only went in the mornings when he was at school. However, I completely agree with your main point. The risk of him coming home early and finding us is too high, and it would destroy any chance of him accepting our relationship. That is exactly why I feel so guilty and why I decided to stop doing it.

To answer your question about how he knows me: he knows me as a friend, and we actually get along great.

Regarding the future and the "life stages" you mentioned, you bring up a very valid point. I am an only child, and I would absolutely love to have kids of my own and build a large family. From what we've talked about, I think she would love to have more children too. So, on that front, our visions for the future are actually aligned.

There is a very strong physical passion and overwhelming intimacy between her and me.

🙄

Do you ever see this woman outside of going to her house for sex when her DS isn’t there?

Do you ever go out together to cafes/restaurants, cinema, shopping, days out, etc? Have you met any mutual friends who know you are supposedly seeing each other? If not, then it sounds to me like you are a FWB to her and nothing more.

You also sound very intense when you’ve only been seeing this woman for a few months and you’ve already decided that she is someone that you intend to build a future with - but does she feel the same? For most people it’s too early to tell where a relationship is going long-term yet.

This sounds like the synopsis of a shit novel.

@BigWig78

In any case, I truly hope that one day, as her son becomes more independent, this immense guilt of hers will finally fade away. I hope she realizes that she can't keep putting her life on hold and suppressing her needs as a woman forever just for her son.

My wish is that she will eventually embrace the idea of a new motherhood, without fear. Because ultimately, in a few years, her son will be in his 20s, and an adult son certainly doesn't have the right to dictate or have veto power over his mother's romantic and reproductive choices.

Every woman and mother has every right to rebuild her life, have more children if she wants to, and be happy with whoever she chooses.

This is a really strange post. Did AI write it? If so would have been better in your own words - it doesn’t sound authentic. Do neither of you work? Your entire sex life has been during the working day (maybe you’re night shift workers).
Can your partner come to your place for sex so that the sense of deception is less?
Were you already friends before your sexual relationship started?
Ultimately there’s not a lot of point in asking women here to share their views about how they would feel in your GF’s situation - communicating with your GF rather than text on the internet is paramount.

That is exactly the vibe I’m getting.

🤣 or an AI novel!

You sound very dramatic. You are pretty much smack bang between their two ages for starters, not much closer to her son.

Is he very immature? I'm just wondered who the hell he thinks this random bloke is who has shown up and "looked him in the eyes as a friend"? My 14 year old would have figured it out I think.

Finally is it all actually worth it? In my late teens / early 20s I felt intense physical passion with loads of people. Surely if you're only 25 there's lots of opportunity to find something less... angsty and complicated. Though some folk like angsty and complicated, of course.

I would go to her house in the morning when he was at school, we would be intimate in her bed, and then I would leave before he came back.
Don't you have a full time job to go to? Because if you don't you'll never be more than a FWB person.

Your use of flowery language is really odd and distracting. No one is perfect, but your OP reads like some thick kid forging a letter from their parent. It's hard to explain, the way it's written renders it practically unreadable, sorry.

Thank you for the comments, but I've noticed an unnecessarily argumentative and entirely unconstructive atmosphere here.
Just to clarify: I work at a prestigious law firm and I am also a financial trader. Fortunately, I am financially secure enough to afford a serious relationship, not just a simple FWB.
I don't use AI to make up stories, and I have no need to prove or fake anything to please the users of this app. Best of luck.