First time Stepmum, no kids of my own.

[FatParrot]

Guidance pls, interwobble.
I’ve become involved with a man whose 14yr old son lives with him full time. The situation with the child’s mum is (v) complicated, although that’s not why I’m posting.
I’ve had a stepmum myself since I was 11, so I know how things work, but never done this myself.
I’d like some guidance, pls, on how I should boundary myself with his son. With my nieces and my friends’ children I have a longstanding auntie role, including telling them off for doing silly/dangerous things, not being cheeky, manners, refereeing arguments, etc. I understand that this situation is very different, however. I don’t want to ‘mother’ him; he has a mother that I’m not trying to replace. What should/shouldn’t be my responsibility.
We don’t live together, but I stay there multiple nights a week. TY in advance.

This should be led by your boyfriend. What does he feel is the right thing?

I have been a step mum twice over. My ex's kids were 9 &7 and are now 23 and 21. We are still close and I am still a huge part of their lives as my dd is their sister. We agreed from day 1 that silly things that inwould discipline was only up to me if dad wasn't about (he worked shifts) but it was to follow the rules they had always had.

With my dh's son who was a teenager so I was more a trusted adult and friend. He unfortunately passed away when he was 16 but we had an excellent relationship.

My biggest advice, don't try too hard. Just be you, be a friend. Be guided by him.

Just approach it as a trusted adult and build a relationship from there. You don’t need labels or responsibility towards him. Like you said, he’s got a mother. Give it time and it will build naturally.

My DH has three children, who were pre-teens/early teens when I met him. I was just friendly and welcoming towards them. The only time I got involved in any sort of corrections was if they were doing something dangerous or at risk of damaging property or fighting eachother. Otherwise, that was my husbands responsibility as their father. I ended up having good relationship with his eldest in particular, who now as an adult comes over to stay regularly. His youngest hit mid teens and no longer speaks to her Dad and by default me, his mother (their grandmother) or his siblings and friends. Middle child dips in and out.

Just be yourself and spend time with them both. He may want to be included in things or not (teenagers, who knows!)

With a fourteen year old, I’d plan not to move in until he’d left home, and ideally then buy a new home together rather than move into his.

Make sure you give them plenty of time alone and don’t try to force a mother role. Leave all discipline and boundaries to your partner.

Are you hoping to have children with your partner?

Very little should be your responsibility, my dp has been in dc's life since he was 4 and his dad is dead, dp and dc have a good relationship- currently spending alot of time learning to drive together and used to go on holiday for 2 weeks every summer together, but responsibilities are all mine, dp is like a trusted friendly adult who looks out for dc.

I became a step mother to a 12 and 14 year old, and the 14 year old lived with us full time. I had children quite quickly after we married. But at 14 I didn’t need to do much other than be a supportive adult figure - certainly not a mother figure. I never had to discipline him as he was well behaved at home (he was not well behaved at school and was eventually expelled). But my DH handled all that.
Sure I reminded him to wash his dishes, quiet down when my babies/toddler bedtime, but he was tidy and respectful to me. I wouldn’t say we were ever close to be honest, but on good terms. His father died after he had left us at 18 and he’s now mid 30s. I had hoped he’d have a closer relationship with my son, and they do meet up once or twice a year, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t step up to help my son navigate his teens years without a father.

How long have you known the lad and how long have you been with his dad?

What should/shouldn’t be my responsibility.
We don’t live together, but I stay there multiple nights a week. TY in advance.

Actually thinking about this bit ^^

You shouldn't have any responsibility at all because you're the one staying in this boy's home multiple nights a week.

This was his dad's choice and not his, so his dad should be responsible just as he is when you're not staying in his home.

And also you're not his stepmum.

It's important from the boy's point of view to remember this.

You're his dad's girlfriend who his dad invites to stay.

Do you want to have DCs with this man? How is the teenager? What is your BFs relationship history? How would you rate your BFs parenting?

I agree no one needs to take on a ‘step-mum’ label or role. Keep it light - no need to be anxious around your performance.

My advice would be to stay not living together.
Amd I would have him come to mine rather than you to him.
I would have as little time with an unrelated 14yr old boy as possible. I get paid to do that, I’m not doing it for free.

In this case I don't think you should have responsibilities as you're staying in the house. It will be a good opportunity for you to see how your partner parents though and if things progress then definitely think about what you would like your role to be, what your personal boundaries are and discuss with your partner as to what he sees your role as being... setting clarity between you up front is critical,

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We are not planning on having any children together. I have no children of my own by choice, and he doesn't want any more.

I used the term stepmum for ease in the subject. I don't call myself his stepmum, but he has called me his parent (when talking to his friend on the phone).

What I'm struggling with is his lack of manners towards his father, and the fact that everything is all about him. I obvioulsy understand that he is a 14yo boy and that is how they can be, but it's difficult to watch and say nothing. This is particularly true when he is ungrateful for all his father does for him, and complains about what he feels should have been done in addition.

To my nieces and my friend's children I'm an auntie who reminds them to say please and thank you, asks them to tidy up after themselves, and doesn't let them be rude or cheeky. I've very deliberately not done this with the 14yo and wanted reassurance that I was doing the right thing, so thank you all for confirming it's none of my business.

I agree with the others that you’re not his stepmum, and especially as you are only staying there a few nights a week you don’t have any parenting responsibilities at all.
You should consider though, that if you find his behaviour bad and disrespectful, and if his dad doesn’t correct him on this, are you happy to stay in the relationship long term? If his father isn’t correcting the behaviour at 14 his disrespect will continue into adulthood and you’ll always need to tolerate it! I wouldn’t want to…

I've worked with a lot of teenagers (PRU, behavioural problems) and this is what I've learned -

Be yourself - kids pick up on any kind of fakery so don't try too hard.

Be friendly and approachable, show an interest in what they talk to you about without being overbearing and asking a load of questions. Be a good listener.

Let his dad do the disciplining, that is his job, not yours. If you feel there are problems, discuss this with your partner when his son is not around. Teenagers are great eavesdroppers and you don't want him hearing you complain about him to your partner.

Take your time, don't rush it, give him space and wait for him to come to you.

Expect the usual amount of teenage moodiness and reluctance to engage with you sometimes. Don't take it personally.

After any fallouts, be the bigger person and initiate resolution. Remember you're the adult, you're essentially a stranger coming into his home and in his mind, potentially coming between him and his dad. Make sure he and his dad still have plenty of one on one time together.

I'm childfree too and literally nothing on earth could get me to date a parent. If you really like this boyfriend and he enhances and eases every aspect of your life, why not date him away from his house and kid?

Absolutely don't get involved in the drudgery of taking on any parenting. Look at the threads on the stepparent topic on how it works out for women.

As pp have said, you are in no sense his stepmum, you are his dad's girlfriend and a guest in this boy's house. Behave like a guest, being considerate about the space and allowing the dad and son to have time together when needed. That's the way to build a relationship which may become strong over time. Trying to 'parent' a 14 year old will not work.

You have placed all the blame for a teenager being rude to the parent on the teenager. But it’s on his dad. He isn’t laying down consequences and instilling manners etc, which is really shit parenting. I wouldn’t be attracted to someone so selfish that they’d rather avoid conflict than do difficult parenting.

You haven't said how long you've been involved but inserting yourself in the relationship between a 14 yo and their parent as a new arrival on the scene is going to go very badly.

If you find watching OH's poor parenting stressful then it might be best to bow out before it gets serious.

What I'm struggling with is his lack of manners towards his father, and the fact that everything is all about him. I obvioulsy understand that he is a 14yo boy and that is how they can be, but it's difficult to watch and say nothing

Don't watch it then - see you boyfriend outside of the house or at your place, if his son ever stays elsewhere.

It's absolutely not your place. You are a guest in his home. His relationship with his father is between the two of them and nothing to do with you.

I agree, imagine you had a new best friend and you regularly stayed over at her house and only met her teen then. Similar - you’d act like a guest, respect it’s both of their home, maybe bring a little treat eg the orange juice you know the teen likes when you come to stay.

How his child treats him is nothing to do with you.
Stay out of it.
Don't stay too often.
Don't ever contemplate moving in.

Keep your distance.
You must be mad to be getting involved when it is clearly very messy.

This should be led by your boyfriend. What does he feel is the right thing?

A word of caution around this. A lot of men feel that the right thing is that the step-mum (being a woman, after all) should happily do all the grunt work of parenting with a smile on her face with no need for basic politeness. Be led by your own comfort level and boundaries as well as your boyfriend's expectations.

Disappointing that you focus on the teenagers behaviour being poor - when it’s very obvious the outcome and responsibility of his neglecting parents.

Bit like people who have badly behaved dogs because they are poorly trained by lazy feckless owners.

I would be directing your observations and assessments at the parent not the child. This situation might well be totally incompatible for you.

The DS is clearly acting out - maybe he has some unresolved emotional issues where he has poor emotional regulation - he has had a family breakdown (how acrimonious was / is that?) - what’s the situation with his mother? Sounds heartbreaking. What’s your BFs relationship history - how many GFs / ‘step mums’ has he seen come through his home? Or is this all new to him - was only him and his DF now there is a random woman staying half the week taking up his DFs focus?

You say you have nieces but are any of them teenagers? Teenagers have form for being self absorbed and rude - even the nice ones like my DD has her moments.
Remember he is still a child and is not fully mature yet, his behaviour is not always going to be ideal.
It is also much more complicated than reminding a teen to “use their manners”.
Anyway to echo PP it’s not up to you to get involved in parenting him, if he is rude it’s up to his dad to deal with. Don’t start telling him to tidy up after himself etc or your relationship with him will fall apart quickly.
I would also be asking myself if i really want to get involved with this man, his son lives with him full time, he is likely to be around until he’s at least 18, can you handle that? I don’t think you should even think about moving in together either until the son is at least 16.
I have kids but I wouldn’t be keen on finding myself a stepmum to a 14 year old, especially if i didn’t have my own kids.