Changing childcare arrangements- any ideas?

[Catnus91]

A bit of a long one sorry to make sure I share enough information…

My partner and I have two children (one each) from previous relationships. My DD8 and his DS6. We both have amicable coparenting relationships with the children’s other parents. My DD stays with me most of the time, but goes to her Dads every other weekend from Fri- Sun. My partners DS, stays with him every other week for the full 7 nights.

We currently live separately in houses we independently own which are about 40mins apart. I work in an office roughly 8.30-5 Monday- Friday, with my DD going to wraparound childcare 5 days a week, my partner works from home pretty much full time and does school pick up and drop off on the days he has his DS.

We've decided we are now at the stage where we want to sell both houses and buy one. We want to stay in the area where I live (nicer, better transport links etc.) but we can’t work out a childcare arrangement that enables him to continue to see his son as much as he currently does, without him driving roughly 3 hours a day to school and back twice (which is unsustainable)…

Options we’ve considered… buying a small property near his son which he can stay in on his childcare weeks (financially viable but not the family feel we would like)… reducing the time he has his DS during the week but picking up more in school holidays…

Does anyone have any other/ better ideas for arrangements? I don’t want DS to feel “rejected” through the move, or for DP to grow resentful of the move.

TIA

You need to get out a map and figure out a spot you could live that does not interfere with him maintaining his current arrangement. If such a spot does not exist, you don’t move in together.

I agree with @Ponderingwindow- the mid point for you both is 20 mins away. Fundamentally if your new home doesn’t sit there one of your children has to move schools. As that isn’t possible then whichever home you live in without his son still won’t be a family home so what’s the point in selling your respective homes, why not just stay as you are and he comes and stays at yours on his weeks without his son. This is how his ‘second home’ with you would end up anyway. It’s that or ask his ex if there’s any change she would want to move to your area too and have him move schools, but you would be prepared to front some moving costs for her to do so (I don’t know if she rents or owns, but moving costs would be less if she rents but potentially a significant amount if buying/selling). Since you potentially have the money to purchase two homes you don’t sound hard up and if things are amicable this could be a proper discussion about where everyone lives.

It would be completely unfair on your partner's son to do such a long daily commute to school - this isn't about your partner, it's about a child. How far apart are the two children's schools? Because that is the starting point for understanding your logistics.

Yes, asking the ex to move with financial incentive is another good solution. If your area has better schools this could be appealing.

Honestly... I would only consider moving in together at the midway point between both schools assuming it isn't more than a 20-30 minute commute to either. And I certainly wouldn't be selling 2 homes to buy one together.

I would recommend renting so that if it doesn't work out (blending is very very difficult... and very very difficult on the children who have no say and are quite young) you both still have your respective homes to rent out.

If there isn't a suitable loccation with minimal impact on the distance to each child's school, I just wouldn't move in together yet. It's just too much upheaval on the poor boy.