Changing childcare arrangements- any ideas?

[Catnus91]

A bit of a long one sorry to make sure I share enough information…

My partner and I have two children (one each) from previous relationships. My DD8 and his DS6. We both have amicable coparenting relationships with the children’s other parents. My DD stays with me most of the time, but goes to her Dads every other weekend from Fri- Sun. My partners DS, stays with him every other week for the full 7 nights.

We currently live separately in houses we independently own which are about 40mins apart. I work in an office roughly 8.30-5 Monday- Friday, with my DD going to wraparound childcare 5 days a week, my partner works from home pretty much full time and does school pick up and drop off on the days he has his DS.

We've decided we are now at the stage where we want to sell both houses and buy one. We want to stay in the area where I live (nicer, better transport links etc.) but we can’t work out a childcare arrangement that enables him to continue to see his son as much as he currently does, without him driving roughly 3 hours a day to school and back twice (which is unsustainable)…

Options we’ve considered… buying a small property near his son which he can stay in on his childcare weeks (financially viable but not the family feel we would like)… reducing the time he has his DS during the week but picking up more in school holidays…

Does anyone have any other/ better ideas for arrangements? I don’t want DS to feel “rejected” through the move, or for DP to grow resentful of the move.

TIA

You need to get out a map and figure out a spot you could live that does not interfere with him maintaining his current arrangement. If such a spot does not exist, you don’t move in together.

I agree with @Ponderingwindow- the mid point for you both is 20 mins away. Fundamentally if your new home doesn’t sit there one of your children has to move schools. As that isn’t possible then whichever home you live in without his son still won’t be a family home so what’s the point in selling your respective homes, why not just stay as you are and he comes and stays at yours on his weeks without his son. This is how his ‘second home’ with you would end up anyway. It’s that or ask his ex if there’s any change she would want to move to your area too and have him move schools, but you would be prepared to front some moving costs for her to do so (I don’t know if she rents or owns, but moving costs would be less if she rents but potentially a significant amount if buying/selling). Since you potentially have the money to purchase two homes you don’t sound hard up and if things are amicable this could be a proper discussion about where everyone lives.

It would be completely unfair on your partner's son to do such a long daily commute to school - this isn't about your partner, it's about a child. How far apart are the two children's schools? Because that is the starting point for understanding your logistics.

Yes, asking the ex to move with financial incentive is another good solution. If your area has better schools this could be appealing.

Honestly... I would only consider moving in together at the midway point between both schools assuming it isn't more than a 20-30 minute commute to either. And I certainly wouldn't be selling 2 homes to buy one together.

I would recommend renting so that if it doesn't work out (blending is very very difficult... and very very difficult on the children who have no say and are quite young) you both still have your respective homes to rent out.

If there isn't a suitable loccation with minimal impact on the distance to each child's school, I just wouldn't move in together yet. It's just too much upheaval on the poor boy.

Moving to a midway point might throw up issues when moving on to secondary schools. Think very hard about it.

We've decided we are now at the stage where we want to sell both houses and buy one.

The best idea of all is not to do this. Give your daughter a stable home without unrelated males in the house. Even if they're both saintly men, imagine hitting puberty and having to share your house with an unrelated adult man and an unrelated teenage boy. Just don't do it.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the different thoughts and perspectives. It’s given me some new things to consider. I’ll be mulling it over and chatting to my partner again. There is no rush.

I'm a bit confused about why it's such a long drive to school if he'll only be moving 40 minutes further from where he was before.

If the plan is your life and commute doesn’t change whatsoever, but your partner and his son spend massive amounts of time apart or commuting, then it’s just not feasible.

I think she means all 4 drives (to school and back, to school and back) add up to about 3 hours of driving for her OH in total each day. That’s about right - 4x40 mins is 2hr 40, and the school is presumably not in quite the same place as the house, plus commuting at school time takes longer.

OP I also think you should consider any more “middle ground” places, though who knows if there are any. Depends on your office location as well.

This.

The minute your partner prioritises moving in with you over his contact arrangements with his son then you know what kind of man he really is.

If he is prepared to see his son less (and make his son fee like some kind of second best inconvenience) then he’s not the kind of man you should want to be committing to any way,

It's just not feasible, why do you have to love together?

It’s a red flag for him to expect his son to commute so far. Is it 40 minutes during rush hour too? It won’t work long term either because once hai son is secondary school age and wanting to see friends more, he may stop wanting to come to dad’s at all.
Best for everyone is moving to a location in between in time for your son’s secondary school applications.

Can your partner even spend 160 minutes a day doing the school run without impacting work?

Where do you plan for them both to go to secondary school? Is it the same one?

I think you need to decide that then plan around it. Bear in mind that your SS will vote with his feet if his secondary school is close to his mum’s and not yours, and consider whether your partner is okay with that.

If you are considering schools and changing him from a school near mum to one near your new location, then speaking to the childs mother would be prudent.

You may be happy having him near school near you but what is the impact on his other parent. Sounds like she would end up either changing childcare to suit her EX and you, change schools to suit you and her EX and have more driving to suit you and her EX and less time or more time with her child to suit you and her EX - seeing her side and how that would impact her relationship with her child is equally as important.

What is best for the child?

because that seems to have been omitted from your thought process.

if the child is happy where he is and happy with his week with his dad, then it’s outrageously selfish to move because that’s what you two adults want to do.

it also for me would be a huge red flag from both of you in this relationship- that either of you are thinking it’s a good idea for a father to spend less time with his child or to force him to sit in a car for hours a day or leave all his friends.

If living together is going to be detrimental to one of the children in any way, then it would be selfish to do it. You don’t get to create the ‘family feel’ you want without negative consequences that could last for years when you are putting your own wishes and convenience ahead of what is best for a child. And obviously, it is not best for a child to disrupt a routine that is already established and working. Blended families are incredibly difficult and they are rarely what is best for all the children involved, despite the adults wanting their own way.

Could your partner find an office space to work in near his DSs school, which he can use when he's at school, to save him driving back - cheaper than a second home?

As DSS gets older he'll want more school clubs and spontaneous playdates and having a space to work would allow this to happen.

I notice the only suggestions you’ve put are all beneficial to you and your child, and detrimental to him and his…

Surely you move half way? You can’t expect for him to make all the sacrifices.