How do I handle my boyfriend’s son’s interrupting and clinginess?

[LionKing2026]

I am not a step parent but have been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

We live separately as we both have teenage children.

He has a daughter who is 19 who I get on well with.

I find his son really, really difficult. He is sweet and kind at times. I’ve never heard him say anything malicious about anyone. The dog loves him and he never gets in trouble at school.

My issues are:
His drs raised that he is likely autistic. This was raised due to issues with food.
Since then his mum and my boyfriend have not done anything about it. I did some research and found a counsellor who specialised in children who have issues with food and may be neurodiverse. My boyfriend said thank you but did nothing with it.

Money isn’t an issue for them.

I know he isn’t my child but I feel like it would help him long term to have an assessment so he could at least get some help and maybe get a mentor etc. This is offered in our area.

There is a lot more to it but sadly despite me trying I feel like he is not getting the help he needs.

So the behaviour that impacts me directly:

If I am in a day trip with them, which is only occasional he will not let me get a word in. He will continually interrupt and say “dad, dad, dad” and then tell his dad something not urgent.
I find it so rude and exhausting and it makes me cross with my boyfriend for not saying “wait a minute” or “don’t interrupt.”
He wouldn’t like it if I said that to his son and I don’t think I should have to be the one to teach him manners. He is 14. I feel like that is his parents job.

His mum is also fairly disinterested in him, which is sad. She supposedly has him 50% of the time but will often make excuses or not turn up so I do understand that he will be very upset over this.

So since a particularly horrendous day out a few months ago I have just been avoiding going to my boyfriends house when he has his children but it was unavoidable this week as it was my boyfriends birthday. We had a nice day then his children came round for a cup of tea and slice of birthday cake.

It should have been nice but it was exhausting. They didn’t ask him what he had done for the day. We had been swimming. The children would have been at school. We are shift workers.
Then his son followed him around the house standing so close he was touching him at all times and continually talked to him. So for example of my bf went to put something in the dishwasher he would follow him and be touching arm to arm.

There is a lot more to it but I just wondered if anyone had any general advice or tips of how to handle the behaviour.

To try and avoid a drip feed

• I think my bf, his daughter and his mum are also on the spectrum as they have been told this by professionals but sort of pretend it’s not the case and have said they don’t want to go down the official diagnosis route.
• They don’t see his son’s behaviour as that problematic. They know he follows his dad around repeating “dad” and continually interrupting but they don’t do anything about it.
• I am genuinely concerned for this boy in general around his eating and other issues so I wish they would get him some help.
• but this post is about the fact that it drives me mad with the continual interrupting as I find it so rude and dismissive.
• I don’t think it’s acceptable that I should have to parent my bfs child by telling him not to interrupt but no one else will do it. I feel like that’s a parents job.
• I have spoken to my partner and he has said that he doesn’t see the point in an assessment for his son as they don’t need the money (pip). I have said it’s for many more reasons than that. Eg some help around eating as well as the interrupting etc but it’s fallen on deaf ears. I brought up the interrupting again this week and my partner says he only does it when I’m there and he thinks it’s just that he is in competition with me. This seems odd after 5 years. He knows I don’t plan to move in and due to shifts/ my own teenagers I only see my bf 2 nights a week. I try to make these nights he doesn’t see his children but he has his children with him 4 nights a week so I wouldn’t expect his son to be this clingy at age 14.
• Is the non diagnosed neurodiversity s red herring and it’s just bad behaviour/
• rude behaviour.
• im not there all the time and im definitely not trying to dominate the conversation. I am genuinely interested in his son and actually when it’s just the 2 of us we get on well and I find him funny and he tells me all about school etc. But if it’s the 3 of us the interrupting is continual and so annoying. He also whistles continuously, which drives me mad.

So is the best advice to do what I’m doing and stay away as much as possible so they get father and son time or should I address the rude behaviour.
I can’t really insist my bf addresses it as I don’t think he really gets how annoying it is but then it annoys me that he is letting his 14 year old be rude to me.

It's up to his father to deal with his sons behaviour. He obviously doesn't think it's an issue. This may be one of those times when you need to either put up with it or find a new chap.

You can't, I don't think. Personally, I would get out of the relationship because this isn't going to improve. Sorry 💐

A diagnosis and councilling wouldn't stop his clingy/ rude behaviour . You can obviously ask your boyfriend why he allows him to be cheeky to you, but his son is always going to come before you especially as he is still a child, you probably need to stop going out with going out on days with them as he is obviously craving his dad's time.

Standing very close, following him around, talking at him would all be quite typical ASD I'd say. Saying dad, dad, dad all the time sounds like he's just desperate for attention which probably isn't surprising given his mum is disinterested. He's almost certainly not purposely being rude or behaving badly, he's probably anxious and insecure. Children with ASD can be up to 3 years behind their peers in emotional maturity.

I think if you find his child really annoying then maybe this is not the relationship for you. Having a child with ASD often requires a lot of understanding, support and effort. If you want to keep the relationship going then I would definitely say let this lad have his time with his dad and you see his dad when ds is with his mum. You don't have to see his dad on his birthday, you can drop off a card and presents and celebrate together another day.

I think getting a diagnosis is a good idea for many reasons, but you can't force it. Issues with food are really common, but again there's not much you can do.
If you're going to split though then please, please don't put the blame on his child.

Poor kid.

Sounds like this isn’t the relationship for you as you can’t change any of this

Thank you for the comments.

I will continue to stay away from any days out as it’s not fun for me and because his son clearly does want to just be with his dad.

I would always expect his child to come before me but it’s putting me off my bf in general that I feel he isn’t helping his son. So I think not teaching basic manners is neglectful. If he is behaving that way towards me who else is he doing it to? He struggles with friendships at school so if his dad explained that not letting people speak is rude then that would also help him make friends at school. The eating issues would bother me the most as it’s a risk to his health followed by the lack of manners. But as it’s not my child I need to stay out of it.

I think I just wanted to hear it that it’s not for me to deal with. I genuinely have enough on my plate as I have my own teenagers plus I’m helping my nephew out after he has had a breakdown so the last thing I want is to have to parent someone else children but I did feel a bit like I was obligated to try and help with the eating etc as no one else is helping him and ultimately it’s a child and I know that no one is helping him.
When I first raised it they said he was fine then he passed out and went to hospital the next day so he wasn’t fine and anyone could see that.
He is quite a bit better with his eating now but I think I need to stay out of it going forward and hope they manage it a bit better going forward.

So I will stay away when the kids are there, which I do 95% of the time anyway and I prefer not being on their day trips. There is a day trip coming up for me in August actually. A birthday present for me from my bf. It’s not this but similar to a day trip to a wildlife park. If he decides to bring his son as he also likes animals I will just explain that it’s not fun for me if he is there and continually interrupts me all day so the two of them can go instead.

I can go in peace on another day with a friend!

I genuinely don’t think he is a bad kid at all but if he would rather be with just his dad and I would rather not have to put up with him being rude then I do think just avoiding spending time with his son is the best thing.

Thanks again. Good to get a sense check.

A diagnosis won't change much. Some people are really keen to go down the diagnosis route, others are not. Both are valid choices.

His dad doesn't really have a problem with his son's behaviour so he isn't going to put a big effort into changing it. He probably doesn't find him irritating.

I think you need to stop seeing him as a problem to solve. If you can't tolerate his son then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

Perhaps you could try and view it that your BF sounds like a very compassionate, understanding and tolerant parent? That’s not meant as passive aggressively as it sounds! I just know (from experience) that parenting children with ASD (which sounds likely) brings challenges and his Dad seems to be managing these well. It might help you see it slightly differently. I probably would be asking BF to correct him with the interrupting though! Gently. The lad is probably masking like hell at school/masking around Mum if she’s disinterested (reads as ‘also finds him a bit annoying’) and Dad sounds like his safe person. Which is lovely, really.

You are going on about "basic manners" but are concerned the kid is neurodiverse, do you think autistic teenagers need to.be trained to fit in or something? He is a 14 year old boy with a possible eating disorder and maybe NDp give the kid a .break, if your boyfriend isn't doing as you suggested with his son maybe he isn't the man for you.

That was my first thought. Autistic or not it sounds like he's starved of attention. It can't be much fun when it seems that neither parent has much time for him.

Sorry I’m not sure how to quote directly.

I would expect his dad to tell him to try not to interrupt even if he is ASD because then he could try not to. The reason I think this is my boss has 2 autistic children and he has said this is what him and his wife do. They gently say to them “just let me finish” then they give them their full attention as soon as they finish what they were saying. So I felt like my bf was doing his son a disservice by not trying to teach him this.
If this is the wrong approach then I’m happy to be told he shouldn’t tell him not to interrupt.

My original post was to try and find out how much I should try and help and I have read from the comments that I shouldn’t and I should leave it to dad. Yes it’s very sad that mum isn’t interested and I have wondered if it’s because of his behaviour or whether he is just very clingy to dad as he knows mum isn’t interested.

He is also very funny and sweet and kind so it’s definitely not all bad. It’s just the continual interrupting that I find difficult to be around.

I agree that I could easily stay away on birthdays. We went out for the day as we both had the day off due to shifts and the kids were at school but I could easily have gone home at 3:30 and left them to it when they came over after school so I’ll definitely stay out of the way in future.

It’s a nice way of looking at it that my Bf is being tolerant and kind rather than just not helping him. I hadn’t seen it that way and I had seen it as him not bothering to help him.
The food thing I found very sad as I had asked him to get him some help for his son and nothing was done until he passed out. He was safe but he could have passed out in a road or anything.

Yes to the person who said I need to stop seeing him as a problem to solve.
Although I find some behaviour difficult I was also worried about him and his eating and wanted to help him but clearly it’s not my place. It’s very difficult to know that neither of his parents are following the advice given when he collapsed that could potentially be helping him. He is ok though at the moment so I will keep out of it. I think this is what I find the hardest though. Parents not trying to help their child is how it looks to me. Maybe it’s much more complex than that and they know the suggestions wouldn’t suit their child. So maybe I have just interpreted it incorrectly.

Thats interesting to the person that said that ASD children present as 3 years younger. He does present as a lot younger.

Thats also interesting to the person that said he isn’t going it to be rude and he just wants his dads attention. That is quite sad and also understandable due to the lack of interest from his mum. He gets lots and lots of time and attention from his dad but I’m sure the lack of interest from his mum must have an impact.

I don’t spend a lot of time with him and I only see his dad about twice a week but it has been interesting to get some different perspectives so thank you.

As usual it's a bf problem. That poor lad, I bet he's so unregulated and not given enough love and attention. Which also includes being given boundaries, so his parents have failed to gently provide those.

I think you shouldn't try to interfere though, as hard as it is. Maybe he's just not the one.

• I don’t think it’s acceptable that I should have to parent my bfs child by telling him not to interrupt but no one else will do it. I feel like that’s a parent’s job.

Please don’t try to parent this boy, because you really have no idea. He may be ND, he may just be a teen wanting his dad’s attention. It really doesn’t matter. A label solves nothing. I think you come from a good place but leave it alone.

We always tell our Asd son to not interrupt- he needs to have manners to live in the world and it's just lazy parenting not telling him what are not acceptable behaviours.

@LionKing2026 Are you still attracted to your partner even though his so neglectful of his son? For me this would be a dealbreaker

I mean I know this isn't what you are looking for, but most people who are neuro divergent are with partners who are neuro divergent!

If your bf is happy with his son, there's nothing you can do. If he interrupts you, then you can say something.

I can't see anything else really helping. Are you sure this is the set up you want?

So I think not teaching basic manners is neglectful. If he is behaving that way towards me who else is he doing it to?
It genuinely just sounds like he's on the spectrum.

He struggles with friendships at school so if his dad explained that not letting people speak is rude then that would also help him make friends at school.
Struggling with friendships is often typical of ND. Also, kids aren't as critical as adults so they'd not particularly notice what you deem as rude traits or bad manners.

The eating issues would bother me the most as it’s a risk to his health
Very unlikely that he'll stop having eating issues unfortunately.

ETA: I don't think this relationship is for you. You seem overly critical and not understanding of your partners son. Unfortunately ND is difficult to deal with and will be even harder for the child to regulate given he is going between 2 homes.