Partner has 2 kids from two different mums, all new to me!

[Pippaandme]

Hello I saw a couple of chats on here and I could really relate and I guess I would love to have some advice really or how you have worked on something that works with partners children, but I guess maybe it depends on the situation, so mine is probably completely different.

I love my partner to pieces, hes a lovely guy, the best anyone has ever treated me or been with me and my parents truly adore him as do my friends. We spend a great deal of time together and only really been together 2 years still feels newish and like a honeymoon period. I have no children in my early 50s and have a lovely dog who is I guess my baby lol.

When we disagree we work on things logically and try and find best solutions which work, sometimes they do, sometimes we have to agree to disagree with one another too.

My partner has a son with his 2nd ex wife, they were together 17 years, they broke up 6 years ago, his son is now 17.

My partner was the disciplined role model and the ex wife does nothing, never does anything with him or takes him anywhere or is even bothered. she say she had a son for my partner at the time, (nice comment to make) and she clearly wanted his money, she admitted she misses it. (lovely lady) we dont have any contact with her only email unless its urgent as she was getting verbally nasty on whatsApp so had to block her, this method works as most of the communication to meet his son is via him direct He sees his son about once a week sometimes more.

He also has another daughter shes 24 and lives about 4 hours away near her mum (partners 1st wife), whom he has no contact with, yet the daughter now wants to form a better relationship with her dad after not having such a great one since a few years back. However she doesnt want me to be included or really wants to get to know me either. My partner really adores her, she was treated like a princess, brings this up a lot in her conversations when he is around and still wants this treatment. He wants us to all try and get on and build on something nice even if its just shopping etc. She is not interested.

So the son never talks, he has failed his exams at school, due to bullying, so was home schooled poor soul and suffers from extreme mood swings. He needs his dad more for helping him with private tutoring, passing his driving exams as the mum never takes him out in the car or cares really and basically its my partner who drives the relationship and worries about him hes a good guy!

My question here is, Im kind of stuck, this might take time I think, its only been 2 years and the son never talks or wants to form any bond but he is only 17 so this might change over a few years when he is older/mature/confident more. He is now at college but still has to pass maths, he has taken in total 4 maths exams in order for him to pass his course at College, we are hoping he passes this time, he struggles with exams as a whole and studying...my partner helps him work on this but the son isnt interested in really learning. He plays computer games all night up to 1am and sometimes cant get to college as he finds it boring and other times he goes in. My partner pays a huge amount to the ex re child maintenance and this stops next August when hes 18.

The daughter is more the issue with me personally, she keeps on saying to my partner she misses what they use to have, she wants this again and wants the same life they had when she was younger and he was seeing her regularly. He says to her lets try and make this happen, we can start again.

Yes I know its complicated lol but our relationship and set up/lifestyle is nice, we live together, have a dog he adores, I dont have any children and I dont mind meeting someone who has more so older as i guess it is easier but still comes with it complications as we all know and I am experiencing too.

How did you work on your relationships with your partner's children? does it get better in time, do you put most of the effort in, I do try but neither want to know as I guess they have their own lives and just want their dad's help all the time, they are both in different ways dependent on him.

Thank you as I dont know who to talk to about this
xx

Keep out of it.
Don’t get involved. It’s all about timing and now is not the right time.
Let Dad manage the situation. In my experience you don’t need to be involved in his kids’ lives. Leave them to it.

The children want to see their father, not you. Your dh needs to stop trying to force his children to accept you.
He should make more effort with his son & daughter and spend time alone with them.

@Pippaandme You have LOTS of threads on here over the last year basically complaining about your partners family (kids, exes, siblings, mother) and essentially that you always argue over these issues.

You are only together 2 years, and for at least one year you claim to be stressed by his family dynamics. Why are you still in this relationship? It doesn't sound like it's working for either of you.

Two kids by different mums screams wrong’un to me! Don’t believe his BS!

hes a good dad, his other daughter is very successful, her mum was the same so we know its related to his mum and the effect and he is a different personality.. its not my partner's fault.

Well apart from the fact his 'really successful' daughter is in a relationship with a really horrible guy who is an alcoholic right? So his abandoning both his children has impacted both his children negatively - just in different ways. A good father doesn't leave his son with an alcoholic mother.

So sons mom is crap, does nothing with son, son is struggling, needs help with studying etc but dad sees him ONCE A WEEK.

Nice Dad eh.

Honestly he sees them so little there's no reason you need to be involved. Son has enough going on without building a relationship with Dad's gf. It'll come in time I'm sure but he's a struggling teenager. Daughter clearly is trying to rebuild a dysfunctional relationship which may well have been damaged by his last partner so just give them space. Prove you're not a risk, not jealous, not stealing her father, not annoyed he loves her.

I’m trying to imagine how a conversation between these two goes…

Scene…Tuesday 24th May, his ds has just left, sent back to his alcoholic mother who homeschools him…

dp ‘poor kid, I do everything for him’
op ‘I know darling. His mother is awful, she does nothing but drink. You do everything.’
dp ‘I know, I wish there was something I could do’
op ‘I know, you’re the best father ever. There isn’t unfortunately, you can’t possibly do anymore. When will we see the poor boy again?’
dp ‘June.’

Why did he not continue taking him to activities?