Need the point of view of stepmums!!

[fizzymum]

My exh and I have 2 DC's together. I am remarried and so is exH. Ex is married to the OW so understandably I've never been particularly fond of her but we get on to some degree for the sake of the kids plus it's not in my nature to be nasty or horrible to anyone. I don't see as it matters anymore as we have all moved on with our lives.

The only person with a problem however seems to be ex's wife. It's hard to describe. I don't have a problem with her as such, as long as she is kind to my DC's and they like her is all that matters to me but she seems to be hell bent on going out of her way to be awkward(or should I say to make things awkward between me and ex) and to prove that she makes a much better mother than I do.

At the moment she's got a thing about how often the kids are having a bath when at home with me. The kids have mentioned a few times that Stepmum has asked them when they go to there for the weekend 'when did you last have a bath?' and has told my 5 yr old ds that he can run himself a bath whenever he likes when at home with me. WTF?? I find this comment really irresponsible as ds could scold himself if he went and run himself a bath on his own.

Ds started school in January and I bought a pen for writing his name on the labels of his uniform. A couple of weeks later she had ironed over the top of what I had written with proper iron on labels.

Ds has a school reading diary where we have to write what he's read, to whom and for how long. If I do 10 minutes of reading with him, she does 15, if I do 15 she does 20!!! And it goes on and on....

Ex and I get on fine when she's not around but when she is, he will barely speak to me. Don't get me wrong I don't particularly want to talk to him but I would rather that there wasn't such a strained atmosphere, especially in front of DC's. She can also be really rude to me(obviously when ex isn't around to witness it) and it makes my DH so cross that she thinks she can speak to me that way. DH doesn't particularly like my ex but is always polite to him and respects the fact that he is dc's dad and certainly wouldn't dream of speaking to ex the way that she speaks to me. I never say anything back to her because I don't want to cause a scene in front of DC's and I don't want to bring myself down to her level. It's getting to the stage now where I feel like saying that I don't want her to come to our house anymore to collect DC's but then i'll be seen as being awkward, which is maybe what she wants.??

Can anyone help!!?? Is this the way it is between all 1st and 2nd wives or is it just us?? How the hell do I resolve this??

Thankfully the bed wetting saga is over now. I had a quiet word with ex, pointing out that all children were dry at night at different ages and some take longer than others. He asked me what I do when he wets the bed in the night to which I replied 'just get up and change his sheets' and had raised eyebrows. I pointed out that I still wet the bed when I was eight years old and the reply to that was 'well you just needed a smacked ass then'. This is what I was up against! In the end I went to my health visitor about it and she pointed out that although it was something that was going on in ex's house, it was my business as they are my children. She also said that a child is not seen to have a "problem" until they are still continually bedwetting at the age of 6. I relayed this to ex and because I had been to see the HV he seemed to back off and it was never really an issue again.

ycbs: I think you are right. Or at least 50% right (I merely empathise with OP) I just had a 1 hour conversation with X, trying to get to an agreement or understanding. 50 minutes were probably peaceful. 10minutes more heated. I know which parts will be relayed back I can picture the other right now, steam out the ears.

So you are right, but it probably plays on the other's personality too, oil on the fire so to speak. Handy to let someone else handle the fighting isn't it, especially if they are up for the fight. e.g. competitive and insecure.

But, WF, is that because of the 'other's' personality or because they

1. Only hear the 10 minutes of heated discussion

and

1. See someone they love upset

Yes, I am sure in your case, as in the OP, there is defn. insecurity, but I'd also question how secure a person can be when there is open tension between two parents - there is a fine line between love and hate and when someone provokes a strong reaction in another, it's usually because there is still a strong feeling there...

Yes I do firmly believe that ex would not go back to wife and tell her that we had had a conversation and had got on fine.

I still believe that his wife is very controlling and is very manipulative, however, YCBS, you are right this does not in anyway excuse ex for letting himself be manipulated like this. Again, I will say that he needs to get some balls and stand up to her for the sake of his children. There is no way I would let DH rule the roost as far as my DC's are concerned and I'm pretty sure that ex is opting for the easiest thing to do which is sit back, put his feet up and let her take over. He needs to grow up and except that our DC's are his responsibility not hers and if she doesn't like it then it's up to him to deal with that too.

You are trying to make the point that maybe (more than likely) ex has only ever had bad words to say about me and has only ever pointed out negative things to her about me, as a reason why she behaves the way she does.

Well can I just point out that she is the woman who strode into what I thought was a happy marriage and ripped it apart, breaking my children's hearts along the way. So there's nothing nice that I think about her yet I manage to be polite and civil to her and I have never said a bad word about her to DC's. How do I manage it when I have more reason to dislike her than for her to dislike me?

Well, to be fair, you don't know she doesn't like you. If she is a controlling sort of person, it could be that she's doing this stuff without even considering it...

But, one thing I would say is that in her reality, she didn't walking to a happy marriage, rip it apart and break the children's hearts......

All she'll have heard are the reasons your Ex wanted to leave the marriage. And, it's very likely that he portrayed it as over already (obviously this is speculation as I have no idea how long they were seeing each other etc)

But, it's likely that her reality (what she knows or believes she knows) is very different to yours.....

I'm not trying to defend this woman or the sutation (though I appreciate it probably sounds like I am), I'm just making the point that she might see a very different version of events....

In any case, there's little you can do to make her like you (just as there is little she can do to make you like her)...

How long have they been married, BTW? Your kids are young, so they can't have been together for very long?Is there any way that your Ex can spend more time with his kids without her about? (Has that ever happened, or did he go straight from you to her?) Sorry for so many questions....

I don't care if she likes me or not. I think you're missing my point. I'm not so naive as to not realise that it certainly takes two to tango. My ex is the one who cheated on his wife and children not her. It's not about the morals of their affair. But if you want to get into the nitty gritty of it I have a reason to dislike, hold a grudge or whatever you want to call it but I don't. What I'm saying is, that just because ex may have told her not nice things about me doesn't give her the right to talk to me like I'm a piece of shit stuck to the bottom of her shoe and doesn't give her the right to try and make me feel inadequate as a mother.

DD was 5 and ds was 18m when we split up. They've been married for just over a year. Ex never spends time on his own with kids. A few months ago she had promised that they could all go swimming the following day if DC's were good. The following day she called it off because she supposedly couldn't fit into her swimming costume and would need to buy a maternity one (she was 12 weeks pregnant at this stage). Surely any normal father would take DC's on his own? Surely any normal woman would encourage father to take them on his own so as not to disappoint them??

FM - I think your DCs are much more patient and understanding than my DSDs!! I remember taking my DSDs swimming several years ago and when we got the pool, the roof had blown off in the wind!!! THere is a policeman outside telling us we can't go in, and DSD2 (about 4 at the time) was wailing 'but i wanna go 'wim 'wim' We had to go and find a different pool and she wailed all the way there!!

SO, yes, I can't agree more than (i) it is totally unfair to promise them something and then cancel when they've upheld their side of the bargain and (ii) yes, she should have told her DH to go with out her (or checked her blardy costume before promising!) Moreover, her DH should have had the damned commonsense to leave her at home and honour his promise to the kids...

As for her making you feel shitty, be proactive and don't let her! Make a list of all the things that get to you and stop them. So, if she won't stop writing in your DCs reading books, don't send them. Send homework on a handwritten piece of paper.

I can't remember the other stuff she does, but as far as is possible, minimise her impact in your life. ANother thing you cuold consider is enrolling the kids into weekend activities - My DH's ex does this and I do feel it's so that she is more in control of what we do on 'our' weekends (we actually moved to be closer because we spent more time driving backwards and forwards to activities, we had no time at home!! ) - just an idea?

I suppose you can hope when she has her own child she will get over herself...

I'm the opposite. I'm the OW turned wife and i get the same from the mother/ex wife.

I sympathise greatly and can only hope that in time - things will calm down.

Unlike you, my husbands exwife has yet to 'move on' and is stuck in a horrible time warp. She is forever making comments which you just have to ignore....i can only suggest that you do the same, ignore her.

So what if she writes over your labels?
Laugh at her...

I play an active role in my husbands daughters life, bath time (because she wants me to bath her), i do her hair (because she asks me to) etc etc but we did a lot of reading before she came to stay with us. I forget the name of the psychiatrist who wrote it but it's done us huge favours. My husbands little girl has accepted me without a SINGLE complaint, not even to Mum - much to her dismay I'm sure.

Hang in there....she's playing a silly game but they forget that children aren't stupid - the children will make their own minds up - if not now, in a few years.

Good luck.

but katelyn, i think it's far less common (and les understandable) to find the stepmum trying to outparent the parent!!

I play a very active part in my DSDs lives - i look after them, take them to school, take them on holiday, take flights when i'm the only adult etc., but i'm not tryi ng to be their mother... sounds like you read the same books

it is naturally frustrating when another woman decides shes a better mother to your kids than you are... regardless of what she's been told...

believe me, i've heard some horror stories about the ex (and have witnessed several too) but she is always their mum...

I actually don't think it has anything to do with stepparents etc. at all - my mum is a bit of a nightmare and I say that all the time, but once a friend of mine really laid into my mum and I was first to leap to her defence... I can tear strips off my mum, but no-one else can, IYSWIM....

Hope that makes sense!!

Need to let off a bit of steam as I am soooooooo cross.

DC's got back yesterday after a weekend with at their fathers house. They had both had their hair cut by stepmums sister. Nothing wrong with that except she didn't just give DD a trim, DD has now got the same hairstyle as stepmum! We have spent ages getting DD's hair so as it is all the same length and now she's got layers through it. She's 8 years old FFS not 18.!!

I am soooo angry, I took one look at her yesterday and just wanted to burst into tears.

Pisses me off also that they didn't ask me first. It's not just a trim they have completely changed DD's hairstyle.

I'm cross with both of them, him for not asking me first and her because I don't think it would be his idea for DD to have hair cut exactly the same as her.

I've really just had enough of all of this now, every time DC's come back from their fathers there is always something.

Last time they were there stepmum openned a sealed letter with DS's name on it that had been sent home from school. Ex was still at work so what business is it of hers to be doing that?

She NEVER does get a reaction out of me. That's the point. Why does she keep on when I never ever give her the reaction that she so obviously wants.

I can't just let this hair thing go I am going to have to say something to ex.